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Adultwork / Todd and Clare on DH bank statement(62 Posts)
hi all, while I've been a reader for years on mumsnet this is the first time I've joined. I'm wriitng this because i need some real advice from other mums.
DH is 4 years older than me. He has been disinterested in me for years sexually, though we have recently tried to rekindle things a bit. Have 1 beautiful son.
I am in a bit of shock at the moment, to find multiple entries for 2 adult websites (Adultwork and Todd and Clare) on his Santander bank account statement from January, the online one which I thought he rarely uses. This was discovered NOT by snooping, but because of doing taxes for our small business and I accidentally opened some PDF santander downloads which were in an accounting file I thought I'd missed on our shared computer. Yes, our SHARED machine, I feel like such a mug.
So, the question is... well, there are many questions, but how do i find out what part of the Adultwork site has he been using his card on? Is there anyway to find out? There's no contact number on Adultwork, it's based by the looks of things in Malta. How convenient.
It looks like AW site is basically a prostitute's site.... I am sitting here typing this in tears and feeeling physically sick.
Regarding the other site, the 4 entries on his Santander account for the Todd & Clare one are all from America. that is an American-based site, most of the women are not UK based by the looks of things so that could be Skype webcamming or phone sex, but the Adultwork /AW one is what has rocked me... I heard about it along time ago, and to be confronted with the possibility he has actually done this to us....wow.
Haven't confronted him with it yet.... honestly have no words for this.
Have told my sister. Am staying at hers. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do. IF AW was just webcamming like I'm reading on the Todd and Clare one, maybe I would feel less sick. But, we checked this morning and they are all local escorts on Adultwork.
The AW entry on the bank statement doesn't tell me which part of the Adultwork site he has been using. The site is split into multiple sections, there are parts for webcamming, parts for phone sex, escorting... the list goes on and on...
Firstly I'm so sorry that you have discovered this.
Have you tried logging into adult work with his email?
How much were the transactions for?
I'm sorry you have found these transactions OP. AW is not ^^all escorts. AW transactions are more likely to relate to the purchase of credits for viewing private images that ladies may have on their pages or for web camming. It is unlikely that it relates to bookings for escort services as these would be paid in cash to the lady in question on meeting. How do you feel about your OH viewing pornography?
So sorry this has happened. What a shock.
As Pam said above, how much were the transactions for? Escort services will be more.
You said you have access to a shared computer. I'm not sure if he'd have the cheek to view AW on there..but if you tried typing it into the browser. Or checking search history?
That Todd & Clare one though. It looks like a US dating site from what I have just been reading.
Glad you are with your sister. xx
Thnks you all for replying.
Well. It's been quite the past 10 hours for revelations then.
There's a total of 53 separate transactions between Adultwork and Toddandclare.com, sum totalling just under GBP £1,877 or thereabouts (maybe slightly more due to the US currency conversions on Todd and clare), all going back to Christmas 2015.
The biggest transactions are one for £350 in early January and another on 29th Jan for £300--both transactions from Adultwork, though again I can't see which part of the AW maze he's been using. The remaining ones on his Santander statement are all scattered sporadicly across different dates, but it does certainly amount to REGULAR use. And, it doesn't mean or rule out that he wasn't using a different card...
In addition to this money, I can also see a large withdrawal amount at our local Tesco ATM for £200 at 11.43pm at night going back to early February, I can't remember what I was doing though on that night. DH sometimes does go out late for walks though.
If it's an escort, then she's local and I'm assuming these larger amounts will be the ones... though I've been reading how Adultwork has a "credits" system a bit like a giftcard... so my sister said it's within the realms of possibility that he's "loading" his account and then paying for small transactions in Adulwork's "DirectCam" service... or private images as @GoodGirlsGuide suggested above? Maybe.
I don't have any access to his other accounts to confirm either way, so I don't know for sure what the real extent of my husband's use on Adultwork is and I know he will never tell me. Even if confronted with what is now pretty damning PROOF of seeing escorts in my opinion.
My husband has clearly payed women for sex of one sort or another, and virtual encounters of at least a "dating" nature on a foreign website.
I and my sister def think this Toddandclare.com site is more than just "dating". Some of the women on it are posing taking mirror selfies in their knickers, so one doesn't need a degree in psychology to work out what that site is about. American escorts or phone sex workers, maybe? Though unlike Adultwork I can't find anywhere on Todd and Clare's website where it's promoted as a sex service in anyway and I guess its possible this is just American girls?
To add insult to injury, looking at the books of our small biz, DH has successfully claimed some of this back on VAT. Which doesn't bear thinking about what that means in terms of HMRC. I'm still reeling from the shock and my sister is talking about me seeing a solicitor....
Still can't believe this is happening.
To go on:
About half of the other AW transactions look like repetitive small transactions (almost like an autopay maybe??) of between 30 to 50 GBP... for example he clearly was busy on Xmas Eve/Xmas Day/Boxing Day. Racked up 7 separate £30 transactions, all one after the other on 24th of December,... wow.
And to think he had told me he had turned in early feeling sick We/he had his parents and brother over during Xmas and I even made him his favourite soup with tomato basil and sourdough bread on Xmas eve. sigh. This is particularly memorable because I had agreed to be chauffeur to our son and his friends for their park football on 23rd Dec, and wanted to give him some space. What a deluded idiot I have been.
All the internet cache has been cleared, except there is one twitter account that has clearly been added at some point to the Chrome bookmarks bar and also appears in his Firefox history for a "MissDelores" on Twitter: twitter.com/miss_delores. Yes.
Reading just her first tweet with her schedule of payment methods said everything I need to know. My husband has clearly been leading quite the secret life.
In a clearer light of day today, this is beginning to explain a whole bunch of other behaviours I've seen from my husband over the past 5 months, both inside and outside the bedroom.
It dawns on me now how over the past few months I've noticed him using Google Chrome's invisible feature (with the little detective shadow in the corner) when he's been working on the accounts, but it obivously hasn't worked because all the @MissDelores twitter pictures when I opened them go immediately to a 200% zoom of her bare feet.... Yes.
As for how all this was found out in such a devastating blow...
It was actually the Todd &Clare transactions that first caught my eye because they're in USA dollars and Santander helpfully double posts the transaction on the bank statement with US currency conversions underneath.... I was trying to work out for our business why he had foreign $US dollar currency exchanges on his statement... then googled the statement address led me to a pandora's box:
Each woman on Todd and Clare can "store up to 3GB of private videos and pictures for stamp members she grants free access". hmmm.
Though I can't find the pricing for "stamps", it clearly takes UK cards, see bottom of that page with the credit card icons: www.toddandclare.com/instructions/
God knows what he's been doing in all these Todd and Clare transactions on his card statemnet. Clearly sexting or holding phone chats with American college girls parading around in their knickers..., most of them look young enough to be his daughter.
Actually it looks like Todd and Clare has an "international" option on their sign up page to put men in other countries in contact with women in various American states via some kind of phone messanging system, I can see "Kik and whatsapp" mentioned on the above page... and how interesting that for a man who finds it difficult to send messages on his own phone and pretends not to want to use Facebook, he was asking our son to help him download Facebook messnger and "SnapChat" not long ago. Maybe not related to Todd and Clare/Delores but I doubt it.
I don't have anythign against the women on either Adultwork/Delores or Todd and clare... the problem is squarely with DH. If either of AW or T&C had been static, non-interactive porn (like youporn, pornhub etc) it wouldn't have bothered me as I can live with that fine, but this is not porn. This is NOT okay.
These are interactive sites that are clearly sites facilitating a sexual relationship offline and I am calming myself and taking a few days to work out next steps. Thank you again for all the helpful responses, though I am totally at sea at the moment in bewilderment and there is no chance of me being able to repair the heartbreaking annihilation of my trust, my devotion, my years of faithfulness to a man who is clearly not the man I married.. I'm also not stupid enough to believe that any of this is an accident.
Will keep you posted.
This is definitely an escort habit.
Do you want to leave him outright or give him another chance to work things through on the condition he stops?
It would be torture to stay in this relationship. You'll keep picturing him with them and wanting details.
So, so sorry he is like this.
I can understand your compulsion to need to know every little detail of what he's been up to. The delving and cross-referencing must be very, very painful for you. And there's absolutely no weaseling out of it for your husband.
HOWEVER, I suggest you now concentrate your energies on securing your financial future before you confront him with the information you have garnered.
You own a business together: how can you extricate yourself with a fair share of the assets?
Do you have a copy of the accounts and client list somewhere safe outside of your home?
Have you secured copies of all documentation with regard to mortgage, savings, investments, pension/s?
Once all of his activities are out in the open things could get very difficult very quickly. He plays fair with you, you won't tell every friend, family member or client about his secret life.
How old is your son? If he's still a dependent I would suggest in the strongest terms possible that you return to the family home.
I would stop digging and start divorcing.
How on earth could you stay with someone who does this? And how much money has he wasted too??
Sounds like financial domination to me. Has he shown a tenancy towards sexual submission?
I would also think you have tried much harder than he has ever done to rekindle this marriage. Do not stay simply for the sake of your son.
I agree with hesterton, that's a possibility. I guess the zooming in on the feet would suggest a fetish. If he's spending that amount of money online i can't say for sure obviously but I reckon he hasn't met anyone in real life but has some fetishes/kinks that he's been exploring online. If a guy is willing to meet women IRL I doubt he would spend that much money online
Goodness me what a shock for you
Start looking at backing yourself up financially though op you have to look out for yourself now
How awful Take time for yourself and make sure you look after your & DCs interests. Keep all essential paperwork with you and remove your share of savings etc What he's done is awful
Be clever about this. This man has lied to you abominably. Don't let on that you know until you've got access to all financial information, secured your assets and made an exit plan. He will almost certainly try to hide money while crying and apologising to you. Best of luck to you and I'm very sorry you are going through this.
Thank you again for all the responses. Yes, I agree. Basically echoing the bleak reality of what we're thinking. Still in shock, just speechless.
So sorry for you op
To clarify some things briefly
AW, small transactions of £30-£50 probably loading credits for the purchase of direct cam time, buying private picture/video galleries and phone services. Larger amounts are used for the depositing of escort services, the full balance is usually paid in cash on meeting.
AW is a meat market one way you could try confirming what his purchases are for is to see if you can find tucked away in his email (if you have access or can guess) is to find any emails from the site that give his user name. You can then search the site for his username and it will give you a short profile that won't tell you much but if you look out for the services he may have left feedback for. Not everyone leaves feedback and it's optional but the women are pretty savvy and often ask for feedback to be left.
TBH though I think you have all the info you need without torturing yourself trying to find out this information.
The adultwork one - I've used it myself and never known of paying for direct services through the site. It sounds very much like paying for private camming sessions.
Transactions of over £300 to adult work very much sound like paying for escort services. I very much doubt a webcam session costs that much.
I'm so so so sorry. Take copies of everything that you can and send them somewhere safe and delete in your sent folder
Don't tell him you know yet and don't torture yourself looking for more details. You have more than enough.
Try and protect yourself financially and see a solicitor.
Get yourself tested
Again, I know how this feels to an extent and I'm so so sorry xx
I'm horrified for you just reading you posts, I think you have handled this with dignity well done you, I look forward to following your posts to the stage where you get justice and move forward, what an absolute arse, I am so sorry for what you have found, I hope you bottom this awful situation and can find head space for yourself OP.
Thank you so much everyone for the love and support, I can't tell you how much this means to me.It's lovely to know there are decent people around still..
It's been a very rough weekend.
And, Sleepless night.
My son is my first priority. I'm advised to deliberately say nothing until, 1. I know more and 2. have some kind of plan of action, which I cannot see how that cannot involve a solicitor now.
Mum knows.. is driving down, I need to speak to my dad.. he's currently in wales.
DH doesn't know anything yet, I can't bear to speak on the phone.
Texted that I'll be back Tuesday. He replied (by text) if everything is okay... hmmm. I haven't answered.
I can't believe he's done this to us. shaking typing this.
You start your post with 'DH has been disinterested in me for years sexually '.... Did this not strike huge alarm bells that something was seriously wrong in your marriage ?
This is beyond awful. Happened to me and immediately I knew when he'd been seeing escorts just by flashbacks of his behaviour. Like you I didn't have a clue these sites existed. Look after you. Remember it is nothing to do with you. Entitled idiot.
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