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Anyone else ever imagine leaving home?

(21 Posts)
PeppasNanna Sat 25-Jun-16 09:50:05

Dp won't leave, yet again. Its crap.

I do feel guilty as we have dc but I've started to think about leaving, just me. Leaving the dc with dp...

Did other mothers leave & regretted it?

I've never even lived alone & probably never will but for some reason, lately I've started to imagine what it would be like...

I don't know how to change my situation. I probably never will. Its too complicated. Dc with SN etc.

RosieandJim89 Sat 25-Jun-16 10:05:30

I would think about how you would like custody to pan out. I am no expert but I imagine if you leave the kids with him, he will be seen better when it comes to custody. I assume 50/50 isnt an issue though as you you are obviously happy with how he cares for them or wouldn't be leaving them.

Didyoumeantobesorude1 Sat 25-Jun-16 10:07:29

If he is dp not dh can you start legal action to make him leave?

PeppasNanna Sat 25-Jun-16 10:07:45

His care is basic. Different not less.
He has little understanding of the boys needs but could learn.

I know he'd never agree to 50/50.

PeppasNanna Sat 25-Jun-16 10:19:02

We've split before but the reality of being a SP with 4 dc, 2 with ASD/ADHD/PDA is even worse.

My LL wont accept HB. So will have to move.
The rest of my life dependant on benefits. DS 11 haa no secondary school to go to so wirk not an option. No family or friends nesrby to help. No social life.

Dp sitting here with the dc one Sunday afternoon a month, (Gets one weekend a month off, works rotating shifts).
Thats my alternative...

CommonBurdock Sat 25-Jun-16 13:04:17

Yes I left. He absolutely refused to leave.

I don't regret it now, although I've spent the best part of 3 years beating myself up about it. Which is ridiculous. Parents have equal rights and being the female non-resident parent doesn't give anyone the right to judge you negatively. Although plenty will, because it doesn't fit with their view of the world.

That said, get a lawyer and see what can be done to get the best possible outcome for you and your DCs.

ImperialBlether Sat 25-Jun-16 13:12:06

It sounds a really difficult situation for you with the children, never mind with him on top of it.

What would be your ideal situation? What do you wish he'd agree to?

RandomMess Sat 25-Jun-16 13:32:41

I'm a woman, yes I was prepared to leave which meant leaving my 4DC with H because he was the main carer.

I worked full time, would have had to have a room in a shared house, would have still had to do all my DC taxi duties in the evenings.

TBH in your situation I would leave, but that's me.

JellyBean31 Sat 25-Jun-16 13:40:59

I left. My 2 DS were 16 & 18 at the time. I'd never lived alone previously either. I was hard but it was the only option left more me as I'd tried everything else to make things work. My DS both understood this.

Some people are still a little judgey.. But hey almost 2 years down the line I'm much much happier.

If I had one initial regret it was that I didn't leave when the DC were younger in which case they would have had to come with me as I was the main carer, cos I cried myself to sleep through missing them a lot. But that's only 2 boys without the additional complications of SN so is very different to your circumstances.

Dontanalyseit Sat 25-Jun-16 13:42:00

I would get legal advice before you do in case it comes back to bite you later. Also you might change your mind after you leave. I often fantasise about similar but then I would suffer a lot of guilt and also it would not be in the main interests of the children which is the most important thing.

As you have 4 dc and 2 with sen, their needs should come first. Are they better off with you?
Can you come to a shared access agreement? Again get some advice about how that could work.

PeppasNanna Sat 25-Jun-16 15:27:47

When we've had trial seperations before, dp would only have the dc the one Sunday afternoon a month he has off.

Hes not very interested in the ds. He doesn't understand ASD/ADHD/PDA.

We aren't married. ( He wouldn't marry me). The tenancy is in my name but the landlord has already told me he will not acfeot housing benefit.

I know I can get benefits as both boys recieve DLA. But it's a miserable existence. I've done it before.

I end up indoors from Friday to Monday. The boys rarely leave the house. Often between them going to sleep & the youngest getting up is only a few hours. Try doing thst for weeks on end. 9 weeks of summer holidays looming. The younger dc entire Annnual Personal Budget will be used up by 2 weeks of playscheme. The older one has (for some unknown reason),a bigger budget so he'll go for 4 weeks. First year ever.

I have no social life. I can't invite anyone to our house as the boys can't cope & behave dreadfully.

So although I probably will never have the nerve to do it, I've started to imagine a life where i could go to work again. Have friends. Get my hair done. Do a class of an evening. Sleep all night. Not be hideously stressed. Not fight with LEAs & schools again & again. Have a few drinks out, a meal, friends ...normal stuff most people do without thinking!

MatildaTheCat Sat 25-Jun-16 16:18:40

I suggest speaking to the LL again. Discuss ways of making the HB issue work. Getting new tenants is expensive so he may be willing to listen. Could you, for example, offer to get the rent paid directly?

Are there any ways you can improve your own support networks? Also you must insist your ex steps up more, having the DC one afternoon a month is completely unacceptable. Planning for the summer holidays seems key and very daunting.

In answer to your question, I'm sure many of us fantasise about walking out even temporarily but actually doing it would be very hard.

Good luck.

ImperialBlether Sat 25-Jun-16 22:41:52

OP, is it two of the children who have ADHD etc? Are the other two in mainstream education? It sounds from what you're saying that more than one child isn't at school. Why isn't there a school for your 11 year old? You sound completely at the end of your tether. Have you contacted social services? It sounds as though they would have to be involved if you left anyway as your partner doesn't sound much use, frankly.

PeppasNanna Sun 26-Jun-16 19:15:12

Its the middle 2 dc that have ASD & ADHD.
Oldest dc is 14 & fine, hes in mainstream. Youngest is 2.

My 11 year old is in a SN school that goes from 7-19. The school informed me last month they cant meet ds needs & he cant progress to Secondary without a 1-1. LEA have said no.

Social Services refered us to the Disabled Chikdrens Team. We were assessed for respite. The boys were awarded Personial Budgets but care is do expensive its equivalent of 2 weeks & 2 days of playscheme a year.

Dp will have one day a week off through the summer holidays. He has allocated leave so his annual holidays were in April.

I think you missed the point, without dp i literally can't leave the house. The boys are incredibly difficult to manage outside. I couldn't take them shopping or anything like that.

They can barely manage a trip to the park...sad

Dontanalyseit Sun 26-Jun-16 19:20:31

I am in a very similar situation re children with sen and can't get out and do normal everyday stuff so I do sympathise.

How could your dh manage with the children if you left? I don't get that sorry. How would he manage to work?

PeppasNanna Sun 26-Jun-16 19:24:09

Sorry to the other post.
No the LL absolutely will not accept hb.

Theres no way to 'create' support networks. Only if you can pay. But I dont have that sort of money. (£20 per hour ×2 dc)

Dp has one Sunday a month off. His days off change every week. I can't change that!

Thats when i feel like the only way to change things is by me leaving...

PeppasNanna Sun 26-Jun-16 19:24:57

He wouldn't be able to work. Like i can't.

RandomMess Sun 26-Jun-16 19:40:26

I am so sorry to read how awful your situation is, the lack of support is awful.

Perhaps you should, take the youngest with you and leave your ex to sort it all out. Suddenly he may be open to shared 50:50 care so you can both work and have some sort of life out of the home because otherwise he will be living your current life - trapped in 24/7 and I can't see him liking it...

Dontanalyseit Sun 26-Jun-16 23:42:00

What if he is not willing to give up work and/or look after the children? What happens to the children then?

PeppasNanna Mon 27-Jun-16 09:15:10

He has never & would never agree to 50/50 care. If he did we would never have got back together.

The problem with 50 /50 care is for example, the boys get 8 weeks holiday every summer, the weeks over lap so effectively 9 weeks. So how do you organise childcare for 4.5 weeks when playschemes run for 4 weeks & cost from £375-£480 per week (25hours) per child? Plus add the cost of childcare for a toddler.

I used to think it would get better but i know the reality is it won't.

I won't leave as I know he will do an even shitter job then me.

The boys are very very likely to end up in residential care at best. At worse in a PRU.

Its a hideously exhausting existence. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

The reality of having dc with needs makes people feel so uncomfortable that there is nowhere you can voice your feelings or thoughts. There are no solutions, I just need to get on with it...

RandomMess Mon 27-Jun-16 13:25:19

Perhaps you actually go to social services now and tell them that the boys need to go into residential care as you are no longer coping? In all seriousness you go the GP and tell him you have zero support and you are starting to lose it.

I suspect you may end up with increased funding for respite as that will be so much cheaper than residential care angry

It does sound as though you are very desperate and that their needs are such that you cannot continue indefinitely.

Your options are dire but your other DC need you as well, how much longer can you carry on the way you are?

I'm so sorry that there isn't anything more helpful or kind to say sad

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