I will try and keep this short as there's alot going on. I am pretty sure my marriage is over and don't want to burden friends just yet. I just need to vent.
Background, we are both mid forties with twins aged 8. We met at uni and married not long after we graduated.
We have had some shite times recently but I have also begun to acknowledge how selfish DH had always been which makes me resentful.
Both of DHs parents have died due to dementia in the past 5 years. Firstly his dad 4 years ago and then his mum 2 years ago. DH told me last night that I stopped him seeing his mum in the last year of her life. This is simply not true and I can't imagine continuing with someone who is so resentful over something that is untrue but he won't believe that.
We live 5 hours from where DHs parents lived. He is an only child and it was incredibly difficult when his mum was ill. He is self employed and we were financially in dire straits whilst he had to keep returning home to care for his mum . She ended up in a home which was awful for DH and a heart breaking decision. She couldn't move nearer to us as she was too frail to travel. I stayed at home with the twins for many of the visits as I needed to keep working and they needed to go to school. It was also very distressing for them visiting her in the home as all the people were in an advanced state of dementia. However, i did not stop him from going. I know it must be the grief speaking but when I suggest counselling he refuses. Instead he just drinks and accuses me of not caring etc.
I don't see what else I could have done. He has also blamed for not wanting MIL to live with us. Before she became very frail when her dementia was becoming apparent be proposed MIL live with us and I am gave up work to nurse her. I refused as I didnt want to do it and felt it would be too much. I knew from when his dad died what caring for someone with dementia was like and I didn't want to do it to my children or myself. It wasnt a decision made lightly but he clearly feels I should have done it. He couldn't do it as he is the main earner.
To add to this saga, I fell pregnant last year and had an abortion. He was adamant he didn't want to be a father again. I am very sad it happened but felt parenthood in my 40s wasn't for me. It's been devastating to recover from particularly as it's such a taboo. The other day he saw a small child in a cafe and became all tearful. I couldn't look at him as I strongly felt he pushed for the abortion. Stupid as it sounds I am resentful he got me pregnant. I know its my responsibility too but he was always reluctant to use condoms. I can't take the pill and he also refuses the snip. This has caused lots of issues over the years as I feel he should take responsibility for contraception given I had the twins and took the pill for years. He just kept refusing and being pushy about not using condoms. Lots of the rolling eyes and complaining about wearing one etc. Still I accept I was as responsible for the pregnancy. The reason I didn't want the baby was partly due to him being so useless with the twins when they were young. I was a SAHM for a few years and he refused to get up in the night etc. I was blinded by exhaustion and in hindsight very depressed.
Back then and now he is incredibly selfish. He goes out twice a week and comes home ridiculously drunk. Waking everyone up and causing arguments. It's a given that he goes out every Friday night so I can never go out on a Friday.
He claims he cannot do any of the drop offs or pick ups at school due to his job. However, he regularly goes in late. The upshot is I have been stuck in crap admin jobs for years as any promotion can't be done on the part time hours I have to work.
He does very little about the house - even leaves his dirty plates on the side above the dishwasher. Wtf.
He has a bizarre idea about money. He spends uncontrollably and when I try and draw his attention to what we have left he becomes angry. We currently have a £500k mortgage. His rationale is he wants to have as big as mortgage as possible with aim of selling it before we pay it off and downsize. When I suggest this isn't the best tactic and given our ages I would like a small mortgage to enjoy life he just gets angry and rolls his eyes.
I just want out. We have about £500k equity which will be £250k each. I should be able to buy a house for that if move areas.
Please be kind. I am feeling pretty fragile.
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My 20 marriage is almost over
AnonThisMorning · 25/06/2016 08:15
Thank you both. He's always had a bit of an attitude that I am his domestic. Making a massive delay out of getting the hoover out and that sort of thing. He has never cleaned a toilet in all the time we have been together 
I could overlook that but the accusation that I blocked him seekng his mum really is the final straw. That along with the tearfulness when he saw the small child the other day. I actually wanted to lamp him sitting there trying k be all doe eyed and self pitying. He didn't want that child - that was very clear.
Time to get your fucks in a row then.
Knowledge is power do arm yourself well. Seek legal advice and give yourself as much knowledge and power to protect you and your kids futures.
Keep it under wraps until you have your exit strategy in place. Best of luck 
ducks! 
auto correct going on there ?
What can I say, my phone has adapted to my needs 
Autocorrect on language, not that I need a...
backs away from the thread and gives Anon* another bunch of these in penance
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