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My 20 marriage is almost over(20 Posts)
I will try and keep this short as there's alot going on. I am pretty sure my marriage is over and don't want to burden friends just yet. I just need to vent.
Background, we are both mid forties with twins aged 8. We met at uni and married not long after we graduated.
We have had some shite times recently but I have also begun to acknowledge how selfish DH had always been which makes me resentful.
Both of DHs parents have died due to dementia in the past 5 years. Firstly his dad 4 years ago and then his mum 2 years ago. DH told me last night that I stopped him seeing his mum in the last year of her life. This is simply not true and I can't imagine continuing with someone who is so resentful over something that is untrue but he won't believe that.
We live 5 hours from where DHs parents lived. He is an only child and it was incredibly difficult when his mum was ill. He is self employed and we were financially in dire straits whilst he had to keep returning home to care for his mum . She ended up in a home which was awful for DH and a heart breaking decision. She couldn't move nearer to us as she was too frail to travel. I stayed at home with the twins for many of the visits as I needed to keep working and they needed to go to school. It was also very distressing for them visiting her in the home as all the people were in an advanced state of dementia. However, i did not stop him from going. I know it must be the grief speaking but when I suggest counselling he refuses. Instead he just drinks and accuses me of not caring etc.
I don't see what else I could have done. He has also blamed for not wanting MIL to live with us. Before she became very frail when her dementia was becoming apparent be proposed MIL live with us and I am gave up work to nurse her. I refused as I didnt want to do it and felt it would be too much. I knew from when his dad died what caring for someone with dementia was like and I didn't want to do it to my children or myself. It wasnt a decision made lightly but he clearly feels I should have done it. He couldn't do it as he is the main earner.
To add to this saga, I fell pregnant last year and had an abortion. He was adamant he didn't want to be a father again. I am very sad it happened but felt parenthood in my 40s wasn't for me. It's been devastating to recover from particularly as it's such a taboo. The other day he saw a small child in a cafe and became all tearful. I couldn't look at him as I strongly felt he pushed for the abortion. Stupid as it sounds I am resentful he got me pregnant. I know its my responsibility too but he was always reluctant to use condoms. I can't take the pill and he also refuses the snip. This has caused lots of issues over the years as I feel he should take responsibility for contraception given I had the twins and took the pill for years. He just kept refusing and being pushy about not using condoms. Lots of the rolling eyes and complaining about wearing one etc. Still I accept I was as responsible for the pregnancy. The reason I didn't want the baby was partly due to him being so useless with the twins when they were young. I was a SAHM for a few years and he refused to get up in the night etc. I was blinded by exhaustion and in hindsight very depressed.
Back then and now he is incredibly selfish. He goes out twice a week and comes home ridiculously drunk. Waking everyone up and causing arguments. It's a given that he goes out every Friday night so I can never go out on a Friday.
He claims he cannot do any of the drop offs or pick ups at school due to his job. However, he regularly goes in late. The upshot is I have been stuck in crap admin jobs for years as any promotion can't be done on the part time hours I have to work.
He does very little about the house - even leaves his dirty plates on the side above the dishwasher. Wtf.
He has a bizarre idea about money. He spends uncontrollably and when I try and draw his attention to what we have left he becomes angry. We currently have a £500k mortgage. His rationale is he wants to have as big as mortgage as possible with aim of selling it before we pay it off and downsize. When I suggest this isn't the best tactic and given our ages I would like a small mortgage to enjoy life he just gets angry and rolls his eyes.
I just want out. We have about £500k equity which will be £250k each. I should be able to buy a house for that if move areas.
Please be kind. I am feeling pretty fragile.
Yes. Divorce him. He treats you like a scapegoat and a domestic appliance. I would have refused to give up my job and become a carer for his mother too. You would certainly have been even further up shit creek than you are now if you had done that.
When I started reading I thought it might be rescuable, I know how hard it is with Demtia grief.
Then as I read on I can so there are large differences and discrepancies in many aspect of your lives, not least of which is his underlying attitude that you aren't his equal and should take on his responsibilities. Was there signs of this from the start if you look back now?
If your marriage is going to continue, it'll be either because you'll put up and shut up, or he'll see the error of his ways and work hard to change himself. How likely are either of those?
He sounds awful!
I would suspect he is a manchild - and the loss of his parents has totally devastated him - as it is making him "grow up" as he is the eldest generation now. His response is to try to turn you into a "parent" and maybe use drink to forget.
He is refusing to take responsibility for his actions, and is blaming you.
The one thing I don't think you should do is allow him to take 50% of the assets of the marriage. Get proper legal advice you will need to support your twins, he is unlikely to grow up enough to do so. So you need to make sure you take enough of the assets to support them too - its not money grabbing but fair.
Get advice, and get financial independence as soon as possible. Make a better life for your children.
(And I haven't even mentioned the contraception issues... LTB).
Your life would be so much happier without him. Life is for living.
Thank you both. He's always had a bit of an attitude that I am his domestic. Making a massive delay out of getting the hoover out and that sort of thing. He has never cleaned a toilet in all the time we have been together I could overlook that but the accusation that I blocked him seekng his mum really is the final straw. That along with the tearfulness when he saw the small child the other day. I actually wanted to lamp him sitting there trying k be all doe eyed and self pitying. He didn't want that child - that was very clear.
That makes sad reading: neither of you are happy. I found solo counselling very helpful.
He sounds awful. You're very lucky you have such a lot of equity, but I agree with the PP that you shouldn't go 50-50 on that. He's the higher earner because you have had to work around school times. He will continue to be the higher earner so you should get more equity. I'd aim to be mortgage-free if you do leave; that would be wonderful.
Time to get your fucks in a row then.
Knowledge is power do arm yourself well. Seek legal advice and give yourself as much knowledge and power to protect you and your kids futures.
Keep it under wraps until you have your exit strategy in place. Best of luck
Joy, do you have reverse auto correct going on there ?
Hmm. I suspect you're going to get a lot of leave the bastards however I'm going to say that after 20 years together and some recent truly awful distressing times I would put a lot of it down to severe depression and try to work through it. Perhaps losing his mum has made him reflective about the whole abortion, it doesn't mean he doesn't think it wasn't the right decision.
Having said that, it doesn't mean things can continue as they are. His attitude to you and his lack of effort around the home etc need changing, I think he really needs to want to make changes and without that - well that's the difficulty.
Have you actually sat down and told him how deeply unhappy you are?
What mummytime said - all of it.
Fucks/Ducks - this made me splutter!
auto correct going on there ?
What can I say, my phone has adapted to my needs
Autocorrect on language, not that I need a...
backs away from the thread and gives *Anon another bunch of these in penance
So you have to do all the housework for him and childcare for your children , which has adversely affected your career . And then he expects YOU to give up your job and become a full time carer to HIS mother as well as doing all the housework and childcare for his 5yo twins .
Which he can't do because his careers HASNT been affected by doing housework, caring for his children or giving up his job to care for his mother .
He refuses to take any responsibility for contraception, then YOU have to get an abortion and he gets to feel sad.
Nothing you can do will ever be enough for him. He has the most enormous sense of entitlement .
It's probably your fault that you didn't find a cure for dementia too.
Life is far too short to spend any of it in a relationship that makes you miserable. I've done it, 20 yrs +. The best thing I ever did was end it. I will always remember the feeling after we separated, it felt like I had been living in thick cloud for ever and then it cleared. For me the sun has been shining ever since.
Leave. I was married for 19 years to a very similar character though he was also a raging alcoholic. We had similar equity. I left when my daughter was 9. Eight it was hell for a while afterwards but 8 years later I have a wonderful partner, tripled my salary and look forward to a future with someone I love and respect
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