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how well do you know oh's family

(17 Posts)
ilovenavy Fri 24-Jun-16 16:25:54

Been with my OH a year. In that time I've never met his brother; met his mum once for about 30 mins and his dad a couple of times for about an hour tops.

His family isn't close-knit in the slightest.

My family on the other hand are very close and even if we don't see each other regularly, we are in regular contact.

Does anyone else have this?

coco1810 Fri 24-Jun-16 16:31:21

My DP extended family is huge! We've been together nearly 20 years and I still haven't met half of them.

PeppasNanna Fri 24-Jun-16 16:32:47

Yes. 17 years later i realise i should have took notice of how he treated his family.

Hes the same with our family. So indifferent, lazy & generally uninterested.

If i had my time again i wouldn't have had dc with him.

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Jun-16 16:41:09

All families are different I suppose. Don't think there's a right or wrong here. Seen them a couple of times in 2 years & vice versa with mine

MatildaTheCat Fri 24-Jun-16 16:41:22

Does he show any interest in your family and friends? It's really important to me ( and most people) so I would be wary of this.

ilovenavy Fri 24-Jun-16 16:43:25

He does care about his family, but they just seem like family because of blood, rather than love.

They don't help each other out, visit each other at Christmas/share gifts etc. When it was my oh's little boys birthday, he didn't receive a small token gift. They aren't even a big family.

I just find it all a bit odd.

ilovenavy Fri 24-Jun-16 16:45:25

Matilda yes he does with my family and friends. He really likes them and they like him. He's also incredibly generous and it was recently my mums birthday and he went out especially to buy her a gift from himself. We've also gone out for meals and he's treated my parents.

When I briefly met his mum for half an hour for coffee. She went and bought her own tea and cake and then sent us up to buy our own.

BrownAjah Fri 24-Jun-16 17:00:39

TBH it's probably the opposite here.

I get on really well with my ILs and we just went on holiday all together over half-term. I am not, however, close to my own family. My Dad lives abroad, my brother is an antisocial sod who doesn't seem to be in touch with anyone and I tolerate my mother because she drives me up the wall. I get on better with my more extended family.

Families are different!

OutsiderInTheGarden Fri 24-Jun-16 19:17:21

My OH has a big family. I met about 30 of them all in one go on a mini cruise about 6 weeks in! shock I don't get on with them especially well though, so even though we don't see them very often (they live far away from us) I am quite happy with that.
I wouldn't necessarily think this is strange or anything, OP. Be careful what you wish for when it comes to in laws!

Olddear Sat 25-Jun-16 09:12:03

IL's live abroad. Not far enough away in my opinion.....

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 25-Jun-16 09:17:39

I don't think you can necessarily judge a person by how their whole family is - sometimes they have excellent reasons for being low contact with their family, and in fact they are the sane decent ones (the rest of the family being batshit). Other times, as PeppasNanna demonstrates, he is the problem rather than the family.

Have you asked him why he doesn't see much of them?
Not everyone has that "closeknit" thing going on; doesn't mean there's anything specifically wrong, just some people do things differently.

Katedotness1963 Sat 25-Jun-16 10:48:15

We'd been married almost three years before I met them. We went to stay with them for a week. First night there they gave us a card with a cheque in it. Two days later mil took dh to open a joint account with the cheque. Not him and me joint account, him and her. I knew nothing about it till they came back from the bank. They left when I was in the shower. Her and I have had a strained relationship ever since.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 25-Jun-16 10:56:57

Wow, Kate - that's seriously fucking weird. shock

SandyY2K Sat 25-Jun-16 11:19:15

I've been with my DH for 20 years now. I know his family, but they aren't as close to each other as my family is.

He could easily go 6 months without speaking to his brothers. I OTOH speak to my sisters everyday or at the least EOD.
We're a very close knit bunch and in the past he's commented that I speak to my sister too much.

His family members could be on holiday in Australia and may not tell each other. That could never happen with my family.

My DH sees my family more than he sees his own TBH. Consequently our DCs closer to my family. I felt quite sad for my DD recently when she said she wished they were as close to cousins on daddy's side of the family, as they were to those on my side.

If the siblings aren't close to one another, the kids won't be either.

I realise my family isn't the norm though.

As an aside - we had a family event recently and one cousin was getting introduced to another. I couldn't believe it.

GreenHen Sat 25-Jun-16 14:01:08

It isn't great - source of sadness because my parents are dead (one dying when I was a child) and I only really have a relationship with one brother (who does not live close).

He sees his parents about once a month (they live very close so this isn't that much, especially considering we have children). I recognise it as healthy boundaries now - I didn't at first and tried very hard to be closer (but realised it was all effort on our part). Sadly, despite the chocolate box image of a loving family on the outside, I finally recognised it as a pretty dysfunctional dynamic - lots of manipulation and triangulation - actively discouraged from having any kind of independent relationship with other members of the family to the point of sabotage. So, I'm leaving the too it now and letting DH fully take the lead in how much time we spend with them.

Lemonlady22 Sat 25-Jun-16 15:47:58

my husband is weird....his mum thinks hes perfect....'he wouldnt have an affair, he wouldnt hit you, hes a hard worker, he loves his kids'......hes had multiple affairs, hes hit me in the past, he works all week and plays on the playstation all weekend and will ignore me cutting the grass or painting,(i work too)....he really has no time for the children and as they are all older now and doing their own thing they have shut off to him, he takes me nowhere but goes out with his mates i dont think he enjoys the company though, he enjoys the drink. Hes socially inept, i wonder how he holds a job down really, he has no communication skills. Infact he is just like his dad, who his mum is divorced from....she wont admit to that though. I could go on but i wont, i just do my own thing now, go on holiday with friends etc. Yes..i know his family as much as i want to know them, i see them as little as possible....they are damaged people who have made him what he is...hes self destructive, but is unaware that he is....its quite sad really

pallasathena Sun 26-Jun-16 10:03:06

There's no hard and fast rule here, if anything, I think giving family members space and air to breathe is far more positive than living in each others pockets all the time.
I personally know people who can't function socially outside of their families and how sad is that?
We have a group of family members who go everywhere together in a little 'tribe' sneering and judging everyone else in the family because they can't socialise outside of it and don't know any other way to behave.
It's a narrow, restrictive, insular way of living. And damaging.

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