Mr Right versus Mr Right Now?

[janieblaye]

I am a bit torn between two men and could do with some advice.

Man A: A friend and we have feelings for each other but due to circumstances never ended up together. He is a fantastic man. We just seem to be perfect for each other. All our friends are rooting for us to get together and he's openly admitted he has feelings for me. There's so much love between us, passionate attraction, meeting of the minds. Find it hard not to think about him and he feels like he might be the game changer man for me. BUT and a big but; he has not put the effort in to begin a relationship! A lot of talk and no action. He prioritises his work /life and is a bit flaky with things with me and he knows he has been a bit "crap" but sort of makes a bit of a "I am so charmingly useless" sort of Hugh Grant performance but the reality in practice is that he is not stepping up to the plate to be a boyfriend and showing me he wants to get this thing going - so for that reason I have never begun it. That said, I know he likes me, know he really sees me as the potential "long term" one for him with the whole marriage thing etc and from hat I hear from mutual friends he keeps telling them I am the girl he wants to marry - but it all seems a bit useless if he does nothing about it!! I feel like he is taking for granted a bit the idea of relationships in general and not putting in the foundations to grow something and I feel frustrated.

Man B: Is not as perfect a match, for many reasons, and I know him not to be as good a man as man A. Man A is just a better human being. BUT Man B is here, asking me out, planning dates, wanting to actually be with me and fight for it, making himself available for a date any day/ week /time that suits me and phoning me and doing all the right things.

I know I don't feel for Man B what I feel for man A, but I do like him /. enjoy him company /fancy him (he's sexier than man A!) but most of all he is courting me, which may sound silly but with man A it feels more academic and the thing that never actually happens. Has been months since we were even in the same room as each other and while I know he is not dating anyone or interested in anyone he is also not dating ME.

Man B is asking me out, and I felt I might succumb just to enjoy being dated.

Do you think doing this would ruin things with man A?

I know man A would be very, very jealous. Quite riled up about it but he has no right to complain.

What would you do?

I can't keep sitting here on my own every Friday night waiting for him to get his act together but also don't want to blow it with Mr Right for Mr Right Now?

I am not worried about hurting Man B, as although I am sure he does like me, he is a bit of a player and I know he just wants a thrill of dating me rather than real feelings.

[SageMist]

So you've had no dates with Man A, not even seen him for months and yet you think he'd make a good life partner?
You're having dates with Man B but there is no spark?
Forget about both of them & go find someone who shows interest and makes you all gooey.

[janieblaye]

No, there's plenty of spark with Man B but not any long term future potential from my side because I know I could not love him, and that i love Man A.

I haven't dated either of them. Both have said they want to be with me. Man A is the one i want but he is not doing anything tangible to make that happen.

I have been "single" for three years...ditching them both doesn't really help me as Man A and Man B are the only men I have any interest in and have not met, even over a very long period of time, anyone else I am interested in.

[Dozer]

What are the "circumstances" that you think have prevented a relationship with man A? It seems to me that if man A actually wanted a relationship with you, a real relationship, it would happen. Warm words to friends or his perceptions of how you might be together are irrelevant: his actions don't suggest he wants you or that he'd be a good bf.

Why do you claim to love a man you are not and never have been in a relationship with? That seems like a road to misery.

In what ways is man B not a good person?!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Ditching both may not be what you want but it's the sensible answer to your question. You don't see a future with man B and man A talks the talk but frankly he is just not that in to you! He will full well know you are his for the taking but he isn't taking you.. What more sign do you need.

[Dozer]

What do you mean man B is "a player"? If you mean dates lots of people and treats them badly that sounds a rubbish prospect.

Have you actually told man A that you really like him and want to start a relationship with him if he's interested?

[Oddsocksgalore]

Why don't you just ask man a out for a drink??

[janieblaye]

Dozer, I am torn on the "circumstances" issue as, although I am not going to type them all out they could definitely be perceived as a case of bad timing and things getting in the way and to a large degree I think the circumstances / not seeing each other / not communicating has been an issue and put a wedge between us.

Some people would say the circumstances were perfectly valid and completely understandable - but like you, I can't help feeling if he really wanted to be with me, he would be.

I do know it is absolutely not a case of him being not that into me. For a lot of different reasons, I know that is definitely not the case, but he can be completely into me and still not have whatever it takes to actually step up to the plate and get this thing going.

Man B has a history of being a player. We don't share the same life goals or values etc. but the bottomline is that I am in love with Man A but just feel not sure he is going to step up to the mark for me.

In an ideal world Man A would be the one saying "I am here, I want to be your boyfriend, let's go out on Friday", but instead it is Man B doing it. And it has been so long since i went out on a date with someone I quite liked that the idea is appealing - just for a bit of fun and to be wined and dined.

I know Man A was once doing that, before circumstances for in the way

[janieblaye]

I just mean than Man B is someone I have known a while, and who I know doesn't treat women very honestly. He's not a good prospect long term, but he would be a bit of fun for the now.

I definitely could not start a proper relationship with someone else anyway, when I am in love with Man A, but with Man B I don't feel guilty as I have no doubt he will dump me or cheat on me or lie to me because he is just a player.

It's not as simple as asking Man A out. If I did, I would want to know he was going to be a good boyfriend to me.

[janieblaye]

Maybe i can try and explain this better.

I know Man A probably loves me too. I know he would be absolutely gutted if I moved on and was with someone else. I know he sees me as potentially the woman he wants to marry. I know this is not about me or how much he likes me, but about the place he is in in his life.

I am frustrated, obviously, because I know we are a match and he also knows this and everyone knows this but he is blowing it. He knows he is blowing it and he really needs a good shake and a good talking to but I don't want to have to convince him to fight / work for this because I want him to decide that for himself.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

How odd that you're apparently discussing having relationships with both these men yet you aren't dating either of them! How do you know man A wants to have a relationship with you? Has he told you? In which case why are you not just dating?
This whole situation is confusing

[janieblaye]

He has said he wants a relationship with me, but has said the timing is not right. His reasons for saying that are nonsense, but as I have not seen him for ages I have not been able to discuss that with him. I do believe wholeheartedly that he does want a relationship with me, and also believe that he believes the timing is off, which is why I was getting to the point of thinking I would just move on and have a bit of fun with someone else who knew what they wanted and was there.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Why would you go out with someone who just wants the thrill of dating you? .

Text man A. Tell him you want to go on a date with him. Give him two dates when you are free and tell him to let you know. If he does nothing give up on him. These two men are not the only two men in the world.

[janieblaye]

Because (1) I am in love with someone else and could not date anyone with a view the the future while I feel like that (2) It's been six months since someone took me out on a Friday night and it sounds like something that might be quite fun

Not every person you go out with is a potential husband, not for me anyway because if that was the case I'd only have been out with two people in my life. Sometimes it's just about putting on a nice dress and going out.

I know for a fact if I texted Man A that text, he would say "fine, when, where?" but it would resolve the problem that in my mind he's done nothing to actually show, in a tangible way, that he wants me to be his girlfriend.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Cutting your nose off to spite your face then? Text him. Go out. See what happens.

[janieblaye]

I think I really just want Man A to realise what a complete idiot he is being and pull his finger out and make me a priority and maybe moving on and letting him know what he's lost is the way to do that. Not that this is why I am considering going out with Man B. that is more because I am tired of waiting

[janieblaye]

No, not cutting off my nose at all.

Let me try and explain this better. If I asked Man A out, he would go. We would end up snogging, being all loved up - and then what if my feelings are even stronger and again he does not treat me as important?

Not me in particular but his love life in general. Doesn't he have to be in a place/ mindset to be a good boyfriend before i begin a romantic relationship with him? I am not trying to cut off my nose at all. I have done all I can here and am just tired of waiting.

[honeyroar]

You're a dreamer. You're not in love with man A nor him you. He's playing you. Filling you with romantic notions of how you're the one for him and he wants to marry you. If he really wanted you he'd step up. Don't waste your emotions or time.

[tornandhurt]

If you really think he's that in to you and you him, why not just sit down and discuss it? why not lay your cards on the table and make it clear how you feel but that you won't wait around forever and if hes not prepared to commit then that's fine, you'll move on. This is playground stuff isn't it?

[Goingtobeawesome]

Do you want to take a chance and it come to nothing when it might or do nothing and be wringing your hands in five years time when you get invited to his wedding to someone else?

[hippiedays]

(Man A) will full well know you are his for the taking but he isn't taking you.. What more sign do you need.

This ^^^

OP Man A doesn't really want you. Man B does (for now you say but who knows). If you don't want Man B, then it is time to forget both of them.

I wonder also when you describe Man A as being a better man -do you actually mean a better 'catch'. I have a feeling that is probably the reason you are hoping he will change his mind and want you.

Time to move on OP.

[janieblaye]

Do you want to take a chance and it come to nothing when it might or do nothing and be wringing your hands in five years time when you get invited to his wedding to someone else?

I think i want HIM to feel that about me. Which I think he probably will.

I know it seems obvious but it isn't when you are in it. I know he's going to be genuinely sad if I am with somebody else but he's just created the situation and I don't want to feel like I am the one that is chasing.

I have let him know I want a relationship, and you're right, maybe that's enough and it's time to move on and let him be the one wringing his hands.

I am not the type of person who is going to be AT ALL impressed if he realises this after I have moved on.....

[Goingtobeawesome]

Give him one more chan then move on. Don't be desperate. It's not attractive. But also stop wanting him to be all over you when he doesn't want to be. Want to be equal with your partner and not the one who is thinking they hold all the cards. If you really feel he'd be gutted if you marry someone else then you are crazy to act the way you are.

[janieblaye]

I'm a bit confused.

I haven't been desperate. i have been patient, and nothing has happened.

I have communicated what I wanted and he's done nothing about it.

I do believe he will be genuinely beside himself if he loses me, but what else can I do?

Who wants a boyfriend they feel they had to pressure? I want him to just realise he's being a knob. Which I know everyone is telling him he is. His best friend has even shared with me that he thinks he is being a complete and utter idiot because it makes no sense to have such strong feelings for a girl and do nothing about it.

I am not sure what I can do though. I think I have said it once, proved it by waiting and now is I suppose the time I have to just accept that I can't do it all myself.

[Dontanalyseit]

I don't understand that he wants to marry you but won't take you out on a Friday night .

[janieblaye]

me neither