Will DP ever get his shit together financially?

[NoMoneyMoProblems]

(NC for this thread )
Do I continue to hope man child will get his shit together or leave?

DP by his own admission isn't great with money and earns almost double what I do. His credit rating isn't good even though he's supposedly been working on it for past 6 years.

10 yrs ago and pre DCs I got a loan for him for £7.5k which I paid back and took the amount off my household contributions as he was unable to manage setting up a D/D.

Last year I took out £5k which was supposed to be to consolidate debts so we can build a deposit for a house. Now he's asked me for another £2-5k loan.

I desperately want to own a house for our small DCs to give them permanence and as an investment.

This year we have been late with the rent several times as his payment hasn't reached my account and he can't/won't explain how he gets into debt and get defensive. So I don't have a clear picture of our finances.

He doesn't have a great record for being honest - he'll tell me he's working late and comes home drunk. And recently he's been messaging v old (single) girlfriends and met one for drinks while away with work - but there's no indication of affair or emotional cheating. Financial stability and honesty are big things for me - I'm so embarrassed I'm in this situation.

Sorry for the long post, I can't see this situation clearly so asking MNetters for sage advice. Do give him the loan once more (and be clear it's the last time) to get us straight financially or do I LTB? Is there a way to stay together and be financially sound and transparent and not break up my family?

[Greaterthanthesumoftheparts]

My first LTB, it won't be the last time, you'll spend your life bailing him out. For me it's about respect, he doesn't respect you enough to put you above his frivolous spending (or past girlfriends!).

[QuiteLikely5]

Don't give him the loan.

I would in your shoes: insist all bills are paid by dd on the day he gets paid.

The money he has left over is divided by four and given to him as a weekly spend.

That is simplifying it though I think you've probably got big relationship issues and this is just one of them

[stareatthetvscreen]

nope

mine never did

[Flacidunicorn]

you've been with him for 10 years plus? hes been promising in all that time to change? and yet he hasn't?

I don't think he ever will and if you keep wiping his arse for him then why would he? I'd leave him to it, you could stay in a relationship but move to a place of your own, let him manage his finances etc and make it clear you will not be giving him a penny now or in the future.

[MassiveStrumpet]

Although he has a good income, he's a financial drain on the family so you would probably be better off financially without him.

He's not going to change. Once you can accept that you can decide what to do.

[Shakey15000]

I couldn't stay. You've bailed him out too many times already. This is not a sincere individual. If you earn half of what he earns and have coped, nay overly coped, you will manage fine. Stay with him and you will have zero stability Imo.

[Charlieiscool]

He has had the opportunity to learn but has shown you that he does not have the capacity. Is this weight around your neck what you want for the rest of your life? I predict that the day will come when you hate his guts.

[NoMoneyMoProblems]

Thanks everyone. You're also right that there are other issues, he's had a difficult up bringing and I've probably turned too much of a blind eye to some behaviours. Since we've had kids they've become more detrimental.

[chalky3]

No, he won't. If you keep bailing him out/sorting things out for him he will never realise the consequences of his actions. Get yourself in a position that you're able to manage financially on your own if it comes to it and make a decision about your future (not necessarily in that order)

[NoMoneyMoProblems]

If I LTB I'll have to move 150 miles away nearer family as we're currently in London and I couldn't afford rent and childcare here and bills. Would my children ever forgive me for taking them away from their dad?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What happened to the money from the first two loans.

He has already broken your family up by his very actions; he is financially and emotionally irresponsible and you seem to be acting as a mother figure here. All this person really cares for is his own self; he wants you simply to look after him. He seems to have no respect for you whatsoever. Such men really do not change.

What have you got out of rescuing and enabling him apart from a false sense of control. I think you need to carefully examine your reasons for bailing him out as you have done because its not helped him, you or your children for that matter. You cannot be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up? Look at that as well.

And you are still with him because.....

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; that yes people really do behave like this in relationships?. What are they learning here from the two of you?

Its also not really a question of your children forgiving you for supposedly taking them away from their dad. If he really did care he a) would not have put you and in turn them in such a financial parlous state in the first place, b) you have a choice re this man, your children do not and c) he still has an obligation to them post separation in terms of seeing them and providing for them financially.

[Isetan]

You wouldn't be taking them away from their Dad, you'd be trying to secure a stable future which there Dad seems hell bent on sabotaging. Don't waste more of your time and their childhood, waiting for this dick to grow up.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Agree with Isetan

Some people are no good with finances and it never changes. I know some prime examples

You will be amazed at how much easier life is without the drama of his poor financial decisions

[RandomMess]

Don't forget you would also get Child Maintenance - may be better off!

[Costacoffeeplease]

No, never, do you want to be his mum, controlling his finances, giving him spending money?

[Trills]

It doesn't matter if his behaviour is due to a difficult upbringing or mental health issues or just being a bit crap.

It matters what effect his behaviour has on you and your children.

[NoMoneyMoProblems]

I definitely have a lot to think about - thank you for taking the time to respond. The MNet jury is wise indeed X

[NoMoneyMoProblems]

...and I now have to sort my own shit out

[glassgarden]

He is a money pit

[ImperialBlether]

If he's away from home, spending money without any explanation of where it's going and meeting up with old girlfriends, how on earth can you trust him?

He will continue to drag you down financially if you stay with him. I'd move nearer to my family, personally.

[adora1]

That is awful, he is using your love to extract money from you, family money! What has he been doing with it? And then there's the contact with other women - no, sorry, you are setting yourself up again for another disappointment if you keep loaning him money, it's ridiculous.

[eurochick]

I can't believe he won't open up his finances to you but expects you to keep bailing him out!

[glassgarden]

He earns a good wage so presumably is able to be competent at work
But fucks up and flounders around so that you have to take up the slack and be dragged down by him

He is taking the piss op

[Isetan]

The price of being in a relationship with this man, is financial insecurity and chatting up other women, is that really the relationship role model you want to continue promoting to your children?

This is who he is, being a parent and greater responsibilities hasn't changed him. Actually, your enablement of his behaviour has probably increased his sense of entitlement.

[seventhgonickname]

Tell him that in order to give him a loan you need all his bank statements,credit card statements and wage slips.He would have to declare this getting a loan from anywhere else and you need this information.Obviously it goes without saying that you will not give him a penny but I also doubt that he will be open with you but you also need to know that he doesn't have debts that you could become liable for.