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Feeling really lonely in my marriage

(8 Posts)
TheRealGracePoole Thu 23-Jun-16 16:14:34

I love my DH to distraction, and i am sure he loves me.

Potentially he has some level of aspergers, we don't know this for certain.

He works hard for us and I stay at home caring for the children. This is fine, we agreed we would do this and I like being here, having the freedom of the day and being In the position I can do the school run. But I work hard too. I am up at 6 and being mother, cook, cleaner,gardener etc usually till about 9 at night. He never offers me any encouragement or tells me I am doing a great job. Ever.

I keep my weight reasonable and I stay in shape, I try to dress nicely but he never tells me I look nice. Ever.

When he comes home he lies on the sofa and chills out while I rush about sorting the kids out and doing meals etc. he never reaches out to me to hug me or touch me or tell me he loves me. I appreciate some days he has a super long drive and I do get the odd weekend away to catch up with friends that live far away. It isn't the lie I g on the sofa that bothers me really it is the lack of appreciation .

I guess all I want is a performance reveiw and a hug not initiated by me.

HarmlessChap Thu 23-Jun-16 16:51:24

Soul destroying isn't sad

My wife has a problem with showing affection, I keep myself fit, try to dress well, smell good etc. but affection is a one way street and she would rather be engrossed in Candy Crush, Eastenders, The Walking Dead etc. etc. than spending time with me.

I almost had a breakdown in January, not only was affection only from me but a hug was frequently pushed away after a second or two, giving the impression that it is being barely being tolerated. I'm not without fault and we have talked through how our relationship has gotten to this state, we are both working on it and progress is being made albeit very slowly.

But that is all you can do is talk about it and seek to address the issues.

adora1 Thu 23-Jun-16 17:09:04

Sounds pretty loveless tbh, you will have to sit down with him and tell him you are not prepared to carry on without any intimacy or affection, perhaps have a date night where you both have to concentrate on each other.

TheRealGracePoole Fri 24-Jun-16 13:29:13

I am not prepared to give up on my marriage or offer ultimatums. Last night I went back and read some of my Aspie/NT realtionship stuff and felt marginally better.

Then this morning over the news of the EU referendum results, we had a really good chat and a laugh (bizarre I know given the outcome) and a reconnect if you like. A, if it all goes wrong we are in it together and I just felt totally back on track.

I also read some stuff about diet for autism and aspergers. Which has been flagged up before. That a gluten free and Casien free diet can help. On a day to day basis we eat really well and I cook from scratch becasue I love it. Over the last week he has been busy at work, early starts and eating on the run, last weekend I had a weekend off and got a load of M&S stuff in.

So I think from now I will note it and wonder if those times when suddenly I feel he goes withdrawn and distant ties in with eating habits.

Till I come back for another winge.

HuskyLover1 Fri 24-Jun-16 14:51:48

What do you love about him? He sounds emotionless, unaffectionate, unloving and lazy.

Are you really willing to monitor what this man eats, until your dying day? What about when you eat out? What about when you're on holiday? What if you're ill? What if you're too tired to cook and fancy take-out?

It's not realistic to spend the rest of your life, obsessing over what he eats, as that may impact how affectionate he might be with you. You can't be eating out, and hoping he doesn't order the Burger, as that will mean he withdraws later.

You sounds like you've fallen into a mothering role. You need an equal Partner, not an extra child.

TheRealGracePoole Sun 26-Jun-16 08:21:35

huskylover I read your post and felt cross, I felt like it was a bit aggressive. Then I thought, maybe she has a point . Then I moved back into my normal, more comfortable with my me state.

So you see the thing is this. I have failed at marriage before, and I blamed myself, I was made to feel I was useless and rubbish, I had no email, no Facebook, I had given up all my friends. My dh out the responsibility for his happiness in my hands, I had to get him out of bed every or ing, if the kids were ill it was my fault .

T his man gave me my life back, I reclaimed the me I had been in my late teens with interests and good friends, my own email, I finally got Facebook and he gave me the space to be me and to do the things I love.

So no, I am not going to confront him, tell him he is lazy and loveless. No way.

What I did do last night was do a nice dinner, that we sat down to after the kids had gone to bed and chatted about our marriage, however important it is and that we are both having a busy period at the moment and we haven't been prioritising it. I suggested that we needed to make sure we remembered to both work at it in the busy seasons.

See I notice in life that you get out what you put in. If sulk and strop around, get sad, get aggressive and resentful then that comes back to me with my families attitude. If I, which is my week spot, have a low self esteem week, feel grumpy and self berating, I notice that has an impact too.

So if concentrate on just me and my happiness not what other people think and I make myself happy doing things I love. I notice my families attitudes change too.

I feel stacks better, becasue I focused on me. And that has rubbed of to a positive conversation not an accusatory one, not an argument, no defensiveness. Just how to we make our marriage better.

summerainbow Sun 26-Jun-16 08:39:07

What you have to remember with ASD is that it won't change as long as his needs are being met . He does not care about yours . You have to get your hugs off the kids if they have not ASD as well . Or get job were you be appreciated. Get some hugging freinds as well.
He won't change you have accept that. But how you react to it can .

TheRealGracePoole Sun 26-Jun-16 09:15:04

Thanks summerrainbow yeah, I had sort of got to that. Our kids aren't showing any signs at the minute, and love a hug. After my last marriage I concluded I didn't want to be in a relationship where I wanted someone to change. I don't want him to change, I love the man I married. There are some amazing qualities to who he is. And to be fair will will give me a hug if I say I need one and I know that isn't a natural thing for him.

I have read quite a bit about being in an AS/NT marriage but I find I have to keep revisiting it if I have a low week!

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