Feeling ridiculously sick and nervous posting this. Asking for kindness and support.
Background: Before meeting my current partner I was in an abusive relationship (between the age of 15 and 21). My ex occasionally got physical, but most of the abuse was emotional/verbal. He was also sexually coercive - I frequently had sex with him to keep the peace, said yes because it was easier than saying no due to his sulking and stonewalling if I said no. He was also the type to badger me for sex, especially after we had a row to "prove" I/we were making up after the row.
As a result of this, I feel very disempowered when it comes to saying no to sex. My current partner and I have had some issues because of it. An example was that for years if I said no, he would say ok and maybe give me a quick kiss before rolling over to go to sleep. For years I never mentioned this but took it to mean rolling away was him withdrawing from me to punish me for saying no. Fairly recently (last year I think?) I finally mentioned it to him and he said that that wasn't the case at all, he was just innocently going to sleep and hadn't realised I felt that way. So now in the same situation we'll cuddle for a bit longer to reassure me.
There have also been numerous occasions where I've had sex with him despite not being in the mood because I've been to nervous to say no. On the few occasions I have said "no" or "stop" or "I'm just not feeling it anymore" he has stopped and it's been fine. But my default setting if I'm not into it seems to be to lie back and think of England, or to be over enthusiastic to get it over with asap.
(tmi warning) We had an incident a few days ago which is really troubling me. We were cuddling on the sofa and I started to playfully pinch/stroke DP's nipples (which I know is something that gets him going) and he got very turned on. He jokingly said "if you don't stop that, we're gonna end up having sex" and I continued (we were sort of wrestling/tickling/playfighting at this point). Then he started taking mine and his trousers and pants of and I said something to the effect of "really? Really?! I'm desperate for a wee though". Important to note that I didn't say no, but my incredulous tone of voice was (I thought) pretty clear hint I didn't want to. We started having sex and I really wasn't enjoying it, felt like I was gonna wet myself tbh, but I reverted to default setting and played along, playing with his nipples again to get it over with asap. Then suddenly he stops and says he loves me, and I say I really wasn't feeling it and was desperate for a wee. He stops/gets off me and I run off to the loo feeling upset. Come back down and he apologises. I went absolutely ballistic, calling him a rapist and saying it was obvious I wasn't into it. He says he took my continuing to play with him after he said "...We're gonna end up having sex" as consent. I argue my tone and "need a wee!" protests were obviously not consent.
So what happened here? Did he knowingly have sex with me without consent? Or did I not make myself clear enough?
My head has been all over the place since, swinging between desperately wanting cuddles/love/reassurance and not wanting him near me. I'm really struggling.
What happens next??
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Consent in my relationship - crossed wires??
Lostandinsane · 23/06/2016 12:38
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I have had a similar relationship to the one you describe in your op. I completely understand how it makes you feel 
. With my lovely dp he will stop when I ask him to and always takes no for an answer but sometimes like you I am afraid of saying no or stop. Almost in case he doesn't. Lots of talking about it has helped a little. He always makes sure I'm ok before we start and he is really good at knowing when I'm not really into it and will stop. It is hard though.
You must be under enormous pressure as you frequently have sex when you don't want to, because you're too afraid to say no. That may not be his fault, but the fault of your previous abusive partner. The fact is, lots of sex that you didn't want is going to build and build resentment, and that's going to blow: like this incident.
I'm actually wondering, when you played with his nipples this time - did you even want sex? It sounds like you might not even have wanted it then, but wanted to "do the right thing"?
I would apologise to him and tell him this is a wake up call and actually you have a lot of hang ups around sex that he doesn't know the depth of, and this is going to be your impetus to change that.
If he's worth hanging onto, he'll respect that and give you space and time.
Good luck - your past sounds horrid, and even though on what you've said the issue here is communication, it doesn't mean you haven't had some awful feelings
Only read your original post so far, but he did nothing wrong my lovely.
I think you should look into counselling - I think your previous relationship is messing with your head very much so
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He is NOT your ex. From your post he respects you and loves you. He's everything your ex wasn't. Communication is key in every aspect of a relationship. In my opinion when he said we will have sex if you carry on , you carried it on because you wouldn't sex in his eyes. To call him a rapist was harsh. You need to apologise and be more open with him. Maybe a new word when you're not into instead of " stop or no "
Maybe counselling could help aswell
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