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I think we're splitting :-(

(21 Posts)
Applecrumbling Thu 23-Jun-16 01:01:08

Been with partner nearly a year.. Long distance relationship.
He's 42, I'm 39. Both married before, both have a child. I'm his first relationship following his marriage, I'm 7 years down the line from splitting with exh and had a relationship since.
I find it very difficult to trust but my current DP is the first person I feel like I could make a go of it with. It would involve moving though and lots to consider. Lost a pregnancy earlier this year and was devastated. Now, a few months down the line, it seems he's checking out. He said he loves me and wants to be with me but he can't see me moving and the practicalities of it. I feel torn. I'm getting a wave of something across my chest, an intense pain, I just don't want to lose him, I love him. I Might just have to accept it but I don't want to. I'll get over it I'm sure, but I don't want to.. I'm strong but I can't deal with another heartbreak.... We are talking again tomorrow, we video call. I'm hurting :-(

Pinkheart5915 Thu 23-Jun-16 01:34:52

How far apart do you live? I think long distance can work but not forever in the end you have to as a couple discuss moving closer IMO.

Losing a baby is tough I know and can take a while to heal, have you two spoken about how you feel about the loss?

I'm sure it does hurt flowers what would you like to happen in the relationship? When you video call tomorrow tell him the your response to that question be honest where you see this going

TheNaze73 Thu 23-Jun-16 09:36:51

This will seem hollow & not backed up by facts but, sometimes In life we have to accept some things aren't meant to be. So sorry to hear about your loss OP

Applecrumbling Thu 23-Jun-16 18:14:52

We live 3.5 hours drive apart. What I would like? In an ideal world to lift my house up, my friends and my sons school and take it with me πŸ˜€ Be with him and start a new life.
However, I think I'll have to accept it isn't going to happen. My family aren't supportive and I'd be moving my son away from his dad, who left us when he was a baby and is settled with someone else.
I just feel so sad πŸ˜” It keeps coming over in waves and I'm scare to talk to him now invade it knocks me back a step..

missybct Thu 23-Jun-16 18:25:59

It's a long distance, that's true.

What is his stance on moving closer to you? Why does it have to be you moving to him? Is there a possibility of you two both moving and compromising over where? Your ex may be supportive of you moving an hour or so up the road, providing you give him the same rights he had before. Similar with your DP - he may not want to move 3.5 hours away, but would be OK with 1.5 down the road.

Ultimately though, if you want to make it work distance wise, there are ways and means, even if it's tough. If he's suggesting there will never be a right time, it does sound as if he has checked out and the reality of a LTR has dawned on him, as well as the sad loss of your pregnancy (I'm sorry to hear this x).

Please feel free to ignore this as it sounds as if things are very raw for you at the moment, but do you feel there is any unresolved issues from the loss of your pregnancy? If the pregnancy was unplanned, perhaps falling pregnant has unnerved your DP a little - it's common (although quite rightly, if you have sex, you should be prepared) and may not indicate that he wants to end the relationship, but rather he needs the relationship to slow down a little to fully measure up what he is capable of giving you right now. It's a sad fact of life that sometimes we over-egg our capabilities and feelings and when something sad or stressful happens, our true abilities at dealing with adversity are exposed. Your DP may very well want to move in together, and discuss having children at another time, but needs to see that it OK for him to not want those things immediately. He may also be grieving in his own way, and him communicating will help - he may feel bad for you experiencing the loss of a child, and he wouldn't be the first man to distance himself as a consequence.

Ultimately though OP - if he has a problem or concern, or needs to talk, he needs to communicate with YOU - if he can't do that, the relationship is a lost cause. Sometimes relationships that have stressful starts can falter because neither party fully knows how to communicate effectively with each other - neither person is to blame, it's just how it is.

Good luck and look after yourself flowers

Applecrumbling Thu 23-Jun-16 18:45:36

Thanks so much missycb for your message πŸ˜€
He has the big job and he also has a dd from his marriage. We've been on holiday together with both kids, stayed in each other's houses etc. He is very methodical and does not do emotions well πŸ˜” Re the pregnancy he is very matter of fact and scientific about it. Whereas I dreamed of the future with the baby, experienced the symptoms and loss. Wasn't planned, but wasn't prevented if you see what I mean. I would have moved. He was really happy. But it's hardly been mentioned since. For me, I feel like that was my last opportunity.
I'm not sure he is over his marriage, although he says he is.. I'm his first relationship. I think he is more experienced with women than I am men though prior to his marriage. I met him through a hobby, wasn't looking at the time but it went from there. I feel I have to face up to it, the distance is stressing us both out and we're both probably overanalysing. He is so matter of fact though about splitting..

missybct Thu 23-Jun-16 18:53:52

It's OK, you are welcome.

OP if I'm honest, I don't think the issue is him not moving/accommodating you moving to him - I think the issue is he's not very emotionally available right now. It could be that he's not over his marriage, but it could be he's not over moving out from the place he lived with his daughter (this is something I encountered with my boyfriend, he was grieving for the loss of living with his son, not missing his ex, but my boyfriend was able to communicate that). Or it could be he's not emotionally available because his marriage breakdown has left him hurt and afraid. Or it could be because you lost a child that was much wanted by you.

Either way, it's not because he doesn't care - I don't think he can care as much as you IYSWIM - the scientific approach to emotions is all well and good when you're in a fight or flight, life or death situation, but it's not so easy when it's a real life, everyday scenario, like yours. He's not treating you badly, or is a bad person, but he isn't giving to you what you are giving to him, and no matter how lovely he is, that will always be a bone of contention between the two of you, with one of you (you, probably) feeling unequal and not as loved.

Applecrumbling Thu 23-Jun-16 19:03:55

He has kept the marital home and his ex moved out with their daughter. It was a mutual split. They weren't together physically for around 2 years before she moved out. You are so right. I don't feel equal or loved and it hurts. But he does say he loves me? It's exhausting as it seemed to have to effect on me trying harder and harder and I've burnt out. I deserve a 2 way relationship. I haven't felt good enough.
There have been a few red flags.. Him mentioning my weight 😳 (I'm a size 10) eg chubby cheeks.. Don't know. I just feel disappointed.

starsandstripes2016 Thu 23-Jun-16 19:06:48

I am in the process of separating from a lovely, Kind, easy going but emotionally detached person. It's been a very polite but lonely marriage.

Applecrumbling Thu 23-Jun-16 19:09:47

Feel for you stars. It's awful isn't it. How long have you been married? It's awful to just get nothing back, not having a two way exciting conversation. I know my (x) dp is capable, he just isn't doing it

missybct Thu 23-Jun-16 19:54:06

It can still be difficult for a parent to lose full time, 24/7 access to their child - a lot of decent men struggle with the loss of pride with that one.

I do think he loves you, but I don't think it's the way you love or love him. And that's OK - my version of love will be different to yours and different to his, if you see what I mean. A good relationship is where the definition of love is met by both parties, not how much they love each other - it's not quantity, it's whether it matches I'm afraid. Get one person putting more in than the other and it's not going to work, for the reasons you said - you've tried and tried and it's not working and it's frustrating you and hurting you - for that reason, it won't work because he's not reciprocating what you require back.

Doesn't mean you are needy - means that you need somebody you can communicate openly and love openly with - it doesn't sound as if your DP is the person that can do that for and with you, OP flowers

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 23-Jun-16 20:35:45

Oh, starsandstripes, I feel you. My first marriage was like you describe yours. Very polite, very lonely. Getting out of it was one of the best things I ever did.

newname99 Thu 23-Jun-16 20:38:12

I'm slossk by your comment of 'last chance', please be cautious as you may end up tolerating more (and getting less) because you feel it's your last chance to have a baby.

I totally understand that feeling, especially after a loss.

I fear that you moving, giving up everything would be a big mistake.Why did his marriage fail?

Emotionally detached people are awful to live with if you need emotionally attachment.It will drain you and exhaust you in a way hard to explain.

I suspect he's not right for you, let it go and the right man may appear.

newname99 Thu 23-Jun-16 22:05:45

Struck not slossk!

tipsytrifle Fri 24-Jun-16 00:20:49

My alarm bells are going. Less than a year is way too short a time to judge, define and progress a LDR. It's way too short a time to be planning an extensive future no matter what the distance. We're talking less than 12 months, right? At this time I'd only be expecting more regular dating, I certainly wouldn't be expecting total life involvement. How old is your DC? How does s/he feel about this relationship? My thoughts are that at less than a year this is nothing to plan the rest of your and DC's life on too ...

Anna44 Fri 24-Jun-16 14:23:36

I agree with tipsytrifle here and 12 months is nothing and if he's living in the house then all those memories are still very much there and raw.

I'm 3 years out of my marriage but still not completely over it, it's a long grieving process to contend with but it doesn't mean that he is incapable of loving you and he's not telling you the truth I think that he won't be able to give you all the reassurances you obviously need right now.

LDR is hard going but if both sides want it then it will work out. My new BF is 1 hour away, we see each other 50% of the week and it actually works out well. The other 50% are spent with our children from other marriages.

it also sounds like you've got low self esteem, thinking you're not good enough for him, the whole chubby cheeks thing.... you may need some time on working out how to love yourself first before you can properly commit to him..... lots to think about but ultimately if it's meant to be it will all work out. Good luck

Applecrumbling Fri 24-Jun-16 14:48:34

Thanks for your responses. I'm doing everything I can to feel better but I just feel numb πŸ˜” The videocall didn't happen last night, in fact I've heard nothing. I feel lost and stuck. I agree a year is too short a time to make life decisions..
Oh I'm lost.. What do I do?

Applecrumbling Sat 25-Jun-16 10:52:09

I still haven't heard anything.. Struggling. After a year of seeing each other nearly every weekend, 2 holidays, a lost pregnancy, I don't feel I can just leave it. Shall I call him? Meet up with him?

JakeBallardswife Sat 25-Jun-16 10:58:32

As difficult as it sounds let him miss you, give yourself some space. I may email him and let him know your feelings but then let him come to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this & the pregnancy loss too flowers

KatieKaboom Sat 25-Jun-16 11:01:16

I think he's finished it n his head but doesn't have the goodies to tell you more baldly.

So sorry, OP. flowers

Tbh he doesn't sound so lovely - expects you to do the running, was callous and unfeeling about your miscarriage... you deserve better.

What do your family think about him?

KatieKaboom Sat 25-Jun-16 11:01:54

Goolies, not goodies

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