I'm so confused.
The basics: My gf is a bit younger than me, in her mid 20s. We've been together 20 months now. I have an 8 yr old son from a previous marriage and when I met my gf I told her on our first date. They did not meet until 6 months into our relationship.
Background: We have had a great relationship so far, amazing and we're so much in love. I initially kept my son and my "old/other" life separate because my gf was 24, single, childless and I thought it would be too overwhelming, so all the meeting and talk about my son happened slowly over time, exactly how it should have happened. My gf has had a difficult time for a number of reasons, the main ones:
- Her ex was mentally unstable and was sectioned.
- She is from EU and her family do not live in UK.
We love each other very much, even this early on in the relationship. We have set med-long term plans for ourselves. We've both got savings, we've both got high interest savers, we both want to get a house together, we both want to have a baby together. She sees my mum regularly with me, I've been abroad and met her parents and family twice. They recently visited us here. Both our parents have met. My gf quit smoking over 2 months ago which is absolutely amazing considering the length of time she smoked. So no cigarettes. I'm very sporty so it was contrary to my lifestyle anyway. Initially quitting was really terrible and we argued very badly while she was in withdrawal, and we both hated it - it's so much better now and we both knew and realised it was a symptom of quitting. So that's all behind us and I'm so glad as I hated her smoking, but I love her so much - She now goes to the gym with me too.
The issue: She is so incredibly guilty about my relationship with my son.
And I don't know what to do. She wants me all to herself, which I understand as I only want her to myself too. She accepts that I (we) spend time with my son and that because he doesn't live with us but stays with us a few days a week that when I see him I need to and want to give him attention - however she is still incredibly jealous of that. She never wants to be in the way of me and my son and in fact sometimes really steps back and 'hides' away so that we can have father-son time together and I really don't like when she does this because she gets sad, resentful, she pulls away from me and her issue is that she feels so guilty about taking my time away from my son and me YET is so jealous that we have time that she gives us. She always says "I shouldn't be here. There's no place for me." It's so confusing. Other times, most of the time in fact, we are a great 3 and do things and enjoy stuff and laugh together and it's terrific. Sometimes she says I don't put her first, but she understands my son is no 1. My problem is when we're all together I share myself 50/50. I'm so split. I can't give her 100%, nor him so I have to divide my attention and time equally which as you can imagine, you cannot measure or quantify how to do properly. So I always feel guilty too!! But, I can reason it away to myself (I'm a guy, I'm sorry, it's easier for me). She cannot. She dwells on her thoughts and emotions all day every day.
The truth is, and this is going to sound awful so I expect some flack, I put my gf first virtually all the time. And she's with me all the time, all week, whereas my son isn't so this is a huge commitment for me to make to her because believe me, I truly love my son. And I have told her this, and we've cried a few times because it hurts me beyond belief to put her first before my son, but I do it because I love her and most times I don't tell her how bad I feel doing this because I know she will hurt so much knowing she is the cause of my hurt. I don't resent her at all for this. I know there are two ways of looking at this and the other school of thought is that my son should be no1 no matter what, but if I'm one day going to be starting a family with her, she can't be second because we will be partners. She has to know and feel I love her without condition. But this fills her with so much guilt because she both wants me to, but doesn't want me to.
Bottom line: I put her first, she feels so much guilt. I don't put her first, she feels jealous and un-loved.
Help me. Tell me what to say and do. You're mostly women here (?) some of you must be in that girlfriend position and have felt these same feelings.