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Opinions on change in DH

(18 Posts)
rjsmum11 Wed 22-Jun-16 11:54:48

Without making this too long, I am interested in opinions… I have posted before in the ‘unsatisfying marriage’ thread and noted marriage concerns in other thread.

I put up with a lot of emotional abuse over the last few years and on some occasions I should have been stronger and left. I haven't been perfect either but over the last year or so I tried to warn DH that every incident was chipping away at our marriage and my feelings for him. There were good times too, but these seemed fewer and fewer and outdone by the bad times. It came to a head after he went away on business for a week. I didn’t miss him at all, felt relief and freedom on my own. He didn’t call over the week but msgd me a few times.

On his return he told me he’d had a realisation that his behaviour over the years has been unacceptable and that he understood if I didn’t love him anymore...?! I responded honestly to say I didn’t know if I did, told him that I hadn’t missed him when he was away. Since then he has been behaving like a completely different man, basically the opposite of how he was in the previous 6 years before. Everything I could ask for. He keeps telling me he’s terrified of losing me etc etc has seen a dr about possible depression. But, I’m finding it really intense, like I don’t know this new him.

I asked if something happened to provoke his ‘epiphany’… as I had been trying to tell him this for ages. He claims he simply did a lot of reflecting. I am struggling with the intensity of it all and trying to understand my own emotions.. as in can we still work. We have two kids in the equation so it's far reaching.

It’s only a week or so in, but can a DH really change so drastically and keep it up?

springydaffs Wed 22-Jun-16 12:00:07

Well, it certainly could be real.

But you need time to get over the past; and time to get used to the complete about-face.

Counselling? You'd get to bash it out together in a safe environment.

adora1 Wed 22-Jun-16 12:01:57

Only time will tell but I would err on the side of him not changing, sounds like the damage has been done.

I guess you wait and see but usually they revert to type.

What about this emotional abuse affecting your children cos it will be.

Call this his last chance.

springydaffs Wed 22-Jun-16 12:10:22

Scotch that - counselling is not recommended when abuse is present in the relationship.

what do you mean by emotional abuse? Sorry to ask.

rjsmum11 Wed 22-Jun-16 12:13:13

thanks, I completely agree we need time.. I have told him this also, he seems to be looking for reassurances I can't give.

It won't be cured in just a few weeks and because he says he's changed.. He is bending over backwards for the kids, in such ways I have never seen before. But the result is I now feel bad that I can't return his undying love!

Maybe counselling is needed....

springydaffs Wed 22-Jun-16 12:15:36

Yes, get counselling for yourself.

You're not unreasonable to not be able to turn on a sixpence. It's all a bit extreme isn't it - one extreme to the other confused

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jun-16 12:17:01

My biggest question would be if he can do it now why the duck don't he do it in the last 6 years

I doubt it is real and sustainable. He senses you are at the end of your rope and is raising his game.

He didn't respect you enough to do it all the times you undoubtedly asked for before though, did he ?

adora1 Wed 22-Jun-16 12:17:41

What do you mean by emotional abuse OP?

You should not feel in the slightest bit guilty when another human being has been abusing you, no matter how friggin great they look now and no, counselling is not for couples when abuse has taken place.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jun-16 12:18:06

Fuck and didn't

You get the gist

springydaffs Wed 22-Jun-16 12:18:41

People change, AF.

yy it's rare unusual, but that doesn't mean miracles don't happen once in a blue moon now and again.

rjsmum11 Wed 22-Jun-16 12:29:44

having read the recent post here about types of EA I see the previous him as a mixture of Mr Right and The Victim.. with added name-calling under his breath & extreme selfishness.

there have been very bad things in the past but the recent years have been derision, short tempered-ness and a persistent negative attitude, with nothing being good enough. when i tried to talk him before his epiphany i tried to explain that I felt neither of us could be happy...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 22-Jun-16 12:48:12

What do you get out of this relationship now, what keeps you still within it?.

I would think that he senses you are finally working your way up into leaving him hence the now nice act. Its an act that such men cannot continue for very long and he has only been nice to you for a week. People only change if they really want to and you are probably in the eye of the storm. I put it to you as well that it is hard enough to even change one aspect of your own behaviour.

Such behaviour is more often than not deeply ingrained and perhaps also seen from childhood as well. What do you know of his own family background, that would give you clues.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is any type of abuse within the relationship. Apart from that, no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you in a room together anyway due to his abuse of you. You would co-operate and he would continue not to. Abuse as well is not about a lack of communication, it is about having power and control.

Is this really what you want your children to learn about relationships, just what are they learning here?.

springydaffs Wed 22-Jun-16 12:51:34

Hmm his current sparkling behaviour could be the flip side of the same coin. They can turn it on, these abusers.

DONT feel guilty about not being able to reciprocate. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Switching from nasty to nice in a heartbeat is not necessarily stable behaviour at all - ie not to be trusted. You're sensible to be wary.

rjsmum11 Wed 22-Jun-16 13:07:31

hmmm what do I get? well if my DHs new behaviour is to be believed, someone who loves me desperately and a family unit... if he can sustain it that is...

I am wary and mixed up about what I actually want

mumndad37 Wed 22-Jun-16 13:16:26

I think I'd be wanting what he'd been up to while he was away, that caused this realization. He says it was a lot of reflection, etc. but this sounds like guilt to me. Sorry to be a downer, but I wouldn't take this at face value.

rjsmum11 Wed 22-Jun-16 13:22:29

mumndad37 that was my exact thoughts too, he claims vehemently that is was purely self realisation after the course he was on etc etc..

I have even snooped a little in his phone but can see nothing... i almost wish I would find something to explain this bizarre scenario and make the decision for me....

JellyBean31 Wed 22-Jun-16 13:57:07

Regardless of his character he'd behaviour (however long it lasts) an EA relationship leads to certain behaviour patterns by both parties. I know that even if my stbxh had changed (he was incapable) I would have struggled to trust that change so the relationship was ultimately doomed to fail.

I'm another one who questions the cause of his epiphany!

rjsmum11 Wed 22-Jun-16 14:08:51

I can't think of any other ways to find out if something happened bar asking....

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