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Is this normal? Or suspicious? Confused.

(163 Posts)
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:32:22

I'm 7 months pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant months ago, I also found out around about the same time that DP had been cheating on me with someone who lived near him. It was over when I found out. But he used to meet her in his local, he used to live in a place where everybody knows everybody and there was one local they all went to. It was at that local he used to see her. OW is married and was at the time. Her husband doesn't know what happened.

Anyway it was a really hard time and I wanted to leave, he didn't want me to. So we tried again. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he was to stop going to the place where he was meeting up with her, as I couldn't handle that, she still goes there.

Anyway skip to now. DP's very close friend passed away. It was expected but obviously that doesn't make it any easier. After the church the wake will be at this particular pub, this wasn't an issue at all and wasn't mentioned other than him telling me that was where it was. Obviously I have no problem with him going there for the wake and it didn't even cross my mind. He didn't mention it either other than saying that was where it was. All fine.

I asked DP if he wanted me to go to the funeral with him. He said he really really did, he needed my support etc. Anyway so I went out and found an appropriate outfit that would go over my giant stomach now and Sorted out cover for my other responsibilities so I could go and support him.

Skip to today. The funeral is very soon and DP told me on the phone this morning he didn't want me to come. I asked why, seeing as he had been desperate for me to come before, and he said there would only be men there. Which was clearly bollocks and I told him that. Then he said I had to pick DS up from school. Funeral at 10am. Wake starting at 11, I have to leave for the school run at 2:15. So that was bollocks as well, as I'm assuming that even if DP wants to stay longer (which is fine) they wouldn't be locking me in the pub so I couldn't slip out of the wake before him. So I asked what was wrong.

Then he said he would talk to me later and hung up.

So what the fuck is going on? How can he switch so dramatically from desperately wanting me there, to telling me he didn't want me to come at all? Do you think it sounds innocent? Or is there a suspicious reason for it?

I don't want to make a big deal over it because obviously the funeral will be hard for him. But there's something niggling at me telling me there's more to this.

I'll be very happy to be told it all sounds very normal.

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:35:52

Go to the funeral

DollyBarton Wed 22-Jun-16 09:36:34

It sounds to be honest like she will be there and he's panicking. Maybe she will be there with her husband which is even worse. I would insist on going if your relationship is to survive. I wouldn't like that he's making up weird excuses for you not to attend. If OW was suddenly going to be attending I think I would expect him to skip the wake under those circumstances (or go but break up).

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:37:04

He has clearly found out OW will be there and doesn't want her to realise that he had a partner who is PREGNANT. He wants to spare her feelings and/or keep his options open.

Well fuck that.

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:37:47

has a partner (or maybe it should be "had"?!)

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:38:57

Btw, how long have you been in a relationship with him? You call him DP but it sounds like you don't live together?

DollyBarton Wed 22-Jun-16 09:39:25

Just to add, I wouldn't accept the current situation and wouldn't be able to trust him. I wouldn't have taken him back. I think you are worth more than that and for me, happiness is all there actually is in life so I would not put up with someone who had done what he did to you.

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:40:05

OW knows he has a partner who is pregnant. She knew about me the whole time. He also knew about her husband. In face the entire reason I found out was because every time I saw her she would stare at me for ages, which made me wonder why and is why I started digging.

Doesn't sound like anyone thinks it's innocent then sad

ElspethFlashman Wed 22-Jun-16 09:40:29

Go to the funeral regardless. It's rude not to if you cared about the friend anyway.

It's not normal to lie through your teeth to your partner which is what he was doing this morning about his "reasons".

Incidentally, don't you live together? Why was he ringing you so early?

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:40:53

We didn't live together when I found out I was pregnant, no. We had been together over 2 years at that point. We do now.

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:41:21

He was ringing me so early because he works nights and he got home when I was out

DeathStare Wed 22-Jun-16 09:41:51

Clearly he wants to see the OW without you there - either because he is still seeing her or because he isn't still seeing but doesn't want her to see he has a pregnant partner (because he wants to still be seeing her).

I'd go to the funeral. Just put on your best black dress and turn up as the supportive partner.

Then have it out with him afterwards

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:42:06

It's just occurred to me that maybe OW is pregnant too, and he doesn't want you to see her at the funeral and realise...

Definitely go so you can find out why he doesn't want you there, and make it clear that you won't let him mess you around.

YouAreMyRain Wed 22-Jun-16 09:42:08

Go to the funeral. If she is there, introduce yourself and speak to her in a very calm and casual way, small talk only - she will be shitting herself, and so will your DP. Remain calm and watch their reactions. Maintain your dignity and don't mention anything about their affair. Just watch. You will feel very powerful.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 22-Jun-16 09:42:51

Wait to see what he says, op, but don't take any shit.

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:43:13

Ok. I'll go to the funeral. It's so stressful now though. I didn't even think about it before.

She knows I'm pregnant. His parents live in the area as well and when we've been visiting etc she has seen me and it's obvious. He now has a new number and I don't think she has it.

pictish Wed 22-Jun-16 09:43:25

I think he's got The Fear because he knows that she will be there...and you might get talking to her somehow.
In any case, he doesn't want these two worlds to collide for some reason. I'd say probably because he has lied about something, but that's just me and I'm a rotten cynic.

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:44:21

OW is about 50. I've seen her and I don't think she's pregnant.

DP is 40, I'm 30

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:45:15

Yes that's what I'm thinking, maybe he's lied about more than I know about, and back when we got back together I said if I found out he told one more serious lie I would leave for good. I can't cope with the distrust.

pictish Wed 22-Jun-16 09:46:26

Yup that's it. He has lied about something along the way and he doesn't want you talking to her, or even possibly others, who may reveal him.

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:46:33

You don't think she has his new number?!

That's not good. He should have cut all contact and given you access to his phone, email, Facebook, etc to reassure you that they're no longer in touch. That should be the absolute minimum, surely?!

You still don't trust him, clearly (and with good reason), so I don't see how this relationship is going to work. Sorry.

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:50:21

Well I'm 99% sure she doesn't have his new number but I was 100% sure he would never cheat so obviously I'm not going to completely trust my own judgement anymore.

I'm on his Facebook as a friend and can see his friends list and I know she isn't on there. I'm also on his profile photo etc and I've tagged him in photos of the baby and his old neighbours have all commented on things to do with the baby wishing us both luck. None of them seem to know. I think it's just him, her and me who know what went on, oh and DPs brother, who was present during the epic row we had thanks to bad timing sad

Only1scoop Wed 22-Jun-16 09:50:55

Sounds as though she might me going and he has panicked.

You do realise that stopping him from going in a certain pub won't stop his desire to cheat.

Just blocks that particular avenue.

I wouldn't go to funeral if he's asked you not to go. Don't put yourself in any awkward positions. You need to lessen your stress not add to it.

AnotherEmma Wed 22-Jun-16 09:51:36

On Facebook you can send private messages to someone you're not friends with. They could still be messaging each other without you knowing.

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Wed 22-Jun-16 09:53:21

Oh I know that scoop, it was just something I couldn't deal with, knowing she and him would be in the same room like that. I know he can still cheat, but if he ever does I'm gone.

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