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Is this a snide remark?(14 Posts)
There is a massive back story here which has been discussed a bit in previous threads about my parents.
I don't have the best relationship with my parents, my dm doesn't like me but we ignore that and just act like she does when we know she doesn't. I see them rarely they have moved so it doesn't really bother me (after years of it hurting a lot)
I work for the emergency services, there was a lot of training and work before I started, I worked very hard and still do.
Anyway my sister lives with my parents with her dc And she is a carer. She has expressed she wants to work in the same field as me and I got her an interview etc.
Last night I randomly popped into to see my parents on my way home from work, they were happy to see me and we had a cup of tea. I said dsis was thinking of working with me and my mum says "dsis doesn't want to sit on a phone all day, she prefers being out there looking after people" I just nodded along not really being hurt because let's be honest they don't like me.
They are very controlling and my sisters are well and truly under the thumb.
Got home and told dh about random visit and he isn't happy, has said he's bored of them constantly being horrible to me (as I said massive backstory) and he doesn't want anything to do with them.
Completely his choice, to be fair they didn't ask about our Dc and when I mentioned how they were they just changed the subject, dd has special needs and medical problems which they blame on me so we don't really talk about things we disagree on.
I have become so immune to my dms comments I don't think that comment was so bad. What do the wise women of mumsnet think?
I don't know wether I should just follow my dh and cut contact,.
Sounds like your mother can't open her mouth without putting her foot in it.
Do what feels best to you. This is your life, you get one shot at it. Do what feels right.
I'm not sure why it would be snide/aimed at you, unless you have the use the phone a lot in your work? It doesn't really matter though, if your mother is so poisonous that you are on edge all the time you don't need to spend time with her.
Do they add anything to your life? Is there a positive to having them?
If they don't like you, they don't care about your family and they are constantly waiting to put you down, I'd just let the relationship die. All the compromise is on your side anyway and let's face it, it doesn't sound like it'll ever get better or become worth the effort.
No they bring nothing, it's only recently (since sept) that I've finally switched off emotionally. I know if I fell out with them I wouldn't get to see my nieces as they would ban me from the house and make it hard for my sister to see me.
Esmeismyhero - you clearly are a caring person otherwise you would have already given up this damaging parental relationship. You don't need their approval or acceptance. You have a highly developed emotional intelligence and it may be that they just cannot give you what you need but you can give this to yourself. Love the child inside that you feel your parents are still rejecting. Let go of the need to know why they are like this because it's not to do with the 'who' you are but merely the way they are. You are unique and different. Let go. Free yourself from even thinking about it. Only spend time where you can find joy.
You seem completely subsumed in a FOG state (fear, obligation, guilt) by your parents which is not altogether surprising really given their own controlling behaviours in this dysfunctional unhealthy dynamic. You grew up in such a dynamic and do not know anything else so it does seem normal to you. Perhaps this is why you have not been able to cut all contact but you are considering it now and it is something that you need to do. Self preservation is necessary and why should your children be at all subjected to these horrid people? You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.
You are also still very much under the thumb to them as well. Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours; their behaviour is above having power and control over you and your sibling. Their actions are not loving ones.
You need to ask yourself some questions: Why did you pop in and see them (obligation), why do you ignore the fact that you and your mother do not and have never got on?. Is it somehow easier, you think your parents dysfunctional behaviour is your fault? What do you get out of seeing your parents at all? It is NOT your fault they are like this, you did not make them that way and their own families of origin did that lot of damage to them. Perhaps you only see them at all because you think they will somehow change; toxic parents do not change, never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They will start on your children and mistreat them in not too dissimilar ways to how you were and are treated.
They are not interested in you or your own family unit and blame you for your child's disabilities so I ask you why you want to give these people even two seconds of your valuable time.
People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; I have a feeling that you were mainly assigned this one below and have played it out to the letter:-
Placater, mascot, Caretaker
"This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centred on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically co-dependent) people".
Your sister also has very low self worth as well, she has also been profoundly affected by these toxic people.
I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth.
"I know if I fell out with them I wouldn't get to see my nieces as they would ban me from the house and make it hard for my sister to see me"
This is yet a further example of their own controlling abusive behaviour doubtless amongst many over the years.
Your sister really does need to move out of their home. She is still seeking their approval like you to some extent. They will never be the nice people you so want them to be, they were not built that way and it is not your fault they are like this.
Ultimately you can only help your own self here, you cannot help your sister if she chooses to remain there and your parents are not worthy of the term.
I think <quite naturally> you and sounds like your DH also will disect anything she says.
I don't actually think that stand alone comment is particularly off to tbh.
However, she's obviously said some awful things prior so it may stand out that way to you.
Your mother's comment is nasty and designed to hurt you. She thinks all you do is answer the phone, she does not at all value your contribution to society. It says more about her than it does about you.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts, this is one of the milder things she has said to me. I'm getting better in regards to my feelings towards them.
I've had a very troubled upbringing, emotionally I'm finally getting better and it's all since I have not instigated contact. If I didn't make the effort they would never see me or the kids.
My dad works on the same road I live and in all the time they have been living in another town dad has come round once and scared the crap out of me.
I was upstairs with the Dc after a bath and I heard my back doors open and close quietly. I called down several times and eventually I hid the kids, got the phone with 999 pre dialled and ventured downstairs shouting who's there. Then he jumped out which in hindsight is a funny joke but on the other hand was really frightening since I was attacked when I was a teenager so I'm terrified of it happening again.
I didn't say anything because my dad would of just ignore me anyway, he left and I locked the back door.
What's ironic is my sister called me as my niece was sick and I told her to call where I work as dneice was so ill and my mum approved of that, it's just me that sits on the phone all day I guess 😃
In regards to dd needs, I've had many a thread about them. Her latest golden nugget of advice was I should punish dd more by smacking...... That will definitely cure her autism
I have decided im just going to not bother anymore. They add nothing, I end up feeling rotten and ive given up.
They don't love me and they make no effort as grandparents. Its so sad as they have such close relatioships with my other sisters.
My sister was my best friend but mum didn't like that so we know see less and less of eachother. I was visiting my sister today at her request with my dd and my dad called, first thing he says to sister is to make sure dd doesn't go near any of his stuff, they know shes undergoing a lot of testing at the moment they couldn't give a fuck.
I feel nothing but anger but its so mild.
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