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My husband thinks I'm pre-menopausal at 29 because I want a separation

(42 Posts)
ocd4eva Tue 21-Jun-16 21:56:51

I can't quite believe what I'm writing, but my husband has suggested the explanation for my low mood, low libido and and my disturbed sleep is because at the ripe old age of 29 I'm going through the "change".

And breathe.

Obviously, my low mood has nothing to do with him, his complete lack of support in any kind, be it emotional, around the house help, or everyday practical support you would expect from a loving partner.

That brings us to my libido, yes, the only reason I couldn't possibly want to have sex with him is because I'm pre-menopausal. Clearly I'm the only woman on Earth who needs to feel respected, cherished and loved by her husband to actually want to have sex with him!

And then there's my disturbed sleep. Could it possibly have something to do with that thing in the other room we call our "child". Who refuses to sleep the whole night, who will, without doubt wake up EVERY night and need re settling, and who hasn't realised it is possible to sleep beyond 6am. Maybe that has something to do with my low mood?

Am I loosing my marbles? Or does my situation sound completely bonkers to you as well? My husband would rather blame all of MY problems on the Menopause (I'm 29 ) than look at himself and think maybe he should take some of the credit?

help me out here ladies?

tribpot Tue 21-Jun-16 21:58:49

I think if you left him with the baby for a week you would find your pre-menopausal symptoms cleared right up. Cheaper than HRT.

Catnuzzle Tue 21-Jun-16 21:58:56

Better off without him.

EthelDurant123 Tue 21-Jun-16 21:59:41

What a cockwomble. No advice really, but offering wine

feckity Tue 21-Jun-16 21:59:53

Luckily for you, it doesn't matter at all what he thinks. If you want to separate, you separate, whether or not he understands why.

aintnothinbutagstring Tue 21-Jun-16 22:04:09

Have you told him all of this? Guessing you have since you mention separation. Yes, highly unlikely at 29 you would be going through menopause, surprised he's so well informed of the symptoms since most men are entirely clueless with respects to that type of thing. I remember sleep deprivation with my first dc, it was hell especially when you're the one doing all the waking. Was hell for our relationship too but we managed to survive it. Sounds like he's not really taking your concerns seriously though, does he not think you'll follow through?

ocd4eva Tue 21-Jun-16 22:09:31

Ha,thanks Ladies!!!

I think feckity you've hit the nail on the head. I'm desperate for him to understand why I want to separate. For that to happen would require him to have empathy and insight into his own behaviour, clearly ( as I've already demonstrated) he has none. Its just bloody frustrating, that he thinks he has no way played a part in the demise of our marriage. He even wheeled out "I've tried harder than you to save our marriage " at the weekend! Really? When was that exactly? When you feebly suggested we try marriage counselling after me telling him I wanted to separate after a year of trying to make it work with him. Hmm yeah, way to go Superman, you saved jackshit. All he did was create a fantasy in his head, where I the horrible wife who wants to leave and he's the poor hard done by husband! PUKE

SandyY2K Tue 21-Jun-16 22:35:01

Have you spelt it out to him exactly like you've done here?

Men very often have little initiative where being helpful and babies are concerned.

Hardtodeal Tue 21-Jun-16 22:37:28

I have mental health problems, apparently - in fact I'm definitely depressed and need people to keep a close eye on me because of my odd behaviour. At least, that's what my husband said when I separated from him. Friends, family and colleagues were very surprised to hear this!

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jun-16 22:41:11

It's up to you if you want to engage with this malarkey.

Separate or don't separate but he doesn't get to tell you what your reasons are

FrameyMcFrame Tue 21-Jun-16 22:43:10

People do have menopause at that age though so no need to be hmm
Obviously you're not, but it's not that unusual!

expatinscotland Tue 21-Jun-16 22:47:34

Oh, fuck him off. Leave him to his bollocks thinking and separate.

Hillfarmer Tue 21-Jun-16 23:45:08

I'm desperate for him to understand why I want to separate.

Hi OP - you won't get this. Don't wait for his sign-off on why you want to separate. He is not going giving you anything you need, he won't give you this. Just do it.

annandale Wed 22-Jun-16 00:03:53

If you still want him to understand what's going on, then maybe it IS worth trying again. Rant at him a bit more? don't waste it on us!

TheStoic Wed 22-Jun-16 01:18:48

I think if you left him with the baby for a week you would find your pre-menopausal symptoms cleared right up. Cheaper than HRT.

You might also find that HE becomes pre-menopausal if you leave him with your child for a week, and treat him the way he treats you.

He's trying to gaslight you. Spell out one last time why you are unhappy in the marriage and then DO NOT engage with him again. He's not listening to you and he does not care.

Isetan Wed 22-Jun-16 04:54:56

I'm desperate for him to understand why I want to separate.

Why? You don't need his permission or approval but if you want his 'understanding' to be the first step to a reconciliation, than isn't marriage counselling a start?

ocd4eva Wed 22-Jun-16 10:49:23

Firstly, I never mean't to cause any offense to anybody, especially those who may be going through early menopause. I thought it was just so ridiculous of my husband to suggest that was happening to me. Sorry.

I have made it very clear to him how I'm feeling. He knows that I don't feel like we are a team, its comes across that because he "works" he is excused of doing anything else. I should point out, that I'm also working (doing the same employed job as him), when I'm not at work I'm at home looking after our child and doing everything else involved in running a house and keeping the family going. I have made it very simple for him, we've discussed what chores need to be done and what he can realistically do, we've made a list (so its all written down for him in black and white) and he still fails to do anything for longer than a few days. I'm not talking much, literally putting some ingredients into the slow cooker in the morning so that i don't have to worry about dinner that night. He didn't manage that.

Its got to the point where the burden of keeping the house going on my own, seems like it would be a hell of a lot easier if he wasn't in it. If he wasn't around then I wouldn't have to deal with the disappointment I'm constantly feeling when he fails to support me in any way. I'm sick of being made to feel guilty for expecting my partner to want to help out and then having to explain myself to him, when I'm cross at him ....again! My head has been banging against a wall for too long. I can't expect a different outcome if we keep on doing the same things over and over.... isn't that the definition of madness?

I want to be with someone who WANTS to be on my team. Who doesn't act like a child and sulk when he doesn't get his own way. Or who makes my life unbearable because I've asked for my feelings to be considered, and someone who doesn't call me over sensitive and emotional because of something horrible they've said!

Wow, sorry that turned into a longer post than i was expecting.... I think its helping me to get clarity on the situation by writing it all down. Sometimes all my thoughts seemed so jumbled in my head, I'm not sure what I'm really thinking. The process of putting those feelings into words is feeling very theraputic right now, so thanks for reading. x

MissMargie Wed 22-Jun-16 10:54:24

What about a trial separation?

I don't think it will have dawned on him that separating means he has DS 50:50 and will have to cook, clean, get him to carer etc. And maintain a house.
He probably thinks it means him a single man again, with odd afternoons at the park.

ocd4eva Wed 22-Jun-16 11:07:06

Yep, that is what I was aiming for Margie. His work means that 50:50 would never be possible. He's thinking more along the lines of E.O.W. he'll spend time with our little 'un. He's also given me a list of weekends he can't do because he has plans!! Am I wrong to be totally miffed by this?

I feel spending time with our DC is a pleasure and a privileged. Its my main priority, we do stuff at weekends that is a balance of things, so everyone needs are being met.However right now our DC is still young, so we do have to plans things around naps and when they'll be hungry, but that's part of being a parent right? Kids comes first?

He seems to think he can pick and choose at being a dad when it fits in with his "other" plans. I'm now starting to think the separation is more appealing to him. He can go to work whatever he pleases and not worry about coming home to see me. He has E.O.W to himself and only has to worry about being a dad when he chooses!

adora1 Wed 22-Jun-16 11:14:53

You need to do it, you are right, you should be a team, equals and supportive of each other, he does not give you any of that and these are basics!

Separate, it might give him the friggin shock he needs, if not, at least you will know you did the right thing by you!

Menopause at 29 - I don't think so, he's clutching at straws.

Don't worry about making him understand, he understands alright OP, he's literally leaving you no choice.

GloriaGaynor Wed 22-Jun-16 12:55:27

What's sometimes called early menopause is actually Premature Ovarian Failure, which is not the same thing.

Irrespective of this your husband is a tit.

If he wants to put your desire to be shot of him down to hormones, psychosis or alien abduction who gives a shit?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Wed 22-Jun-16 13:06:16

Not losing your marbles, but definitely on the verge of losing a dickhead.

Laziness and self-centredness are not attractive traits in a man. Never did a woman pause a moment whilst trying to do everything with their kid, take a look at their slob of a husband on the sofa, sneering back at them for daring to have their attention focused on the kids and not them and think "phwoar! hot! want some!"

Goingtobeawesome Wed 22-Jun-16 13:07:17

Not another useless man.

Do what you want OP. This is a lost cause.

Penfold007 Wed 22-Jun-16 13:35:01

Sadly you can't make him parent. If you want to separate then do so, you already single parenting. He wont step up and do 50/50 so you'll be in the same position just minus him.

ocd4eva Wed 22-Jun-16 21:17:49

*sigh...... In today's news, it turns out I can't afford to rent a simple 2 bed house for me and my child. However DH has come home and declared he's booked himself a week in the sun because he needs a "break".

I have no words left for this situation. He can't see how utterly offensive this is to me, he was literally chatting to me about the pros and cons of a villa Vs hotel, for the holiday he is going on without our DC. I wanted to smash him over the head with an inflatable banana until some sense made it through that titanium skull of his.

Please tell me honestly- am i being over sensitive, emotional and irrational about this? I don't want to stop him doing things he enjoys, but it feels callous of him to expect me to sit and be chatty with him about it, when right now I'm selling anything I can do without to ensure my DC have a fall back fund.

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