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Cheating: How do you feel now?

(55 Posts)
CottonGrass Tue 21-Jun-16 17:34:57

To those who have been cheated on and forgiven their parnter, how long ago was it and how do you feel now?

BlackPeony Tue 21-Jun-16 18:02:09

Help cottongrass, I hope you're ok.

4 months in here. It's just starting to get better, in that I'm no longer constantly obsessing. Got a long way to go though.

BlackPeony Tue 21-Jun-16 18:03:01

Sorry, that should be 'hello' not 'help'

LineyReborn Tue 21-Jun-16 18:05:14

I forgave him once. He did it again.

How do I feel? Who cares. It's my DCs who have a knob for a father.

starburst1979 Tue 21-Jun-16 18:08:57

about 3yrs down the line..good days and bad, still have insecurities but actually on the whole ok. I'm not the same person I was then, I'm stronger now, it actually made me find my bollocks. I chose to forgive and work on my marriage but demanded honesty etc. He knows the first inkling I had that a rabbit was off I'd be off.

everyone is different and there is no time limit on how long it takes to get better. if 5 months or 5 years down the line you decide that it's too much to move on from then that's fine too flowers

EyefulTower Tue 21-Jun-16 19:19:53

6 months. I don't know about forgiven tbh, but we are still together. He has done everything I have asked to make me feel secure in our relationship again, including signing the family house/mortgage over to my sole name. I still don't feel secure yet, and I don't know if I ever will. I will certainly never be 100% sure of his faithfulness ever again. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad. It's getting better all the time though.

What about you CottonGrass?

yorkstonepatio Tue 21-Jun-16 21:48:45

4 years on here.

It gets harder with time. The first 18 months were great, we talked, connected, I felt very loved. My true feelings hit much later when the sense of relief that the horror was over wore off.

I feel like I have a hole in my chest pretty much all the time. I guess I must love him at some level, but not as my partner.

I can't say 'I love you' without it being forced. I sleep with him, but it's just a physical thing. There is no emotion there.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, but it is a possible reality of staying.

Tabsicle Tue 21-Jun-16 21:53:35

Four years on. Genuinely doesn't bother me now, but a lot has changed in our lives. I took it as a symptom and not a cause. Sorted a lot out. Started again. Had nine months apart which I think helped so we could have a proper break.

BarbaraRoberts Tue 21-Jun-16 22:13:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyJanuary Tue 21-Jun-16 23:05:24

I struggled on for five months before telling him to go. Five months of checking his phone and car mileage, asking him to send photos of his hotel room and other madness. I knew I'd never be properly happy again. My sister is three years down the line and still does all of those things, worrying herself sick every time her DH goes away on business. I applaud anyone who is genuinely able to put it behind them and not spend every day worrying that it will happen again.

BonneMaman77 Tue 21-Jun-16 23:11:48

I forgave him twice. But 2 years down the line the constant need for checking didn't stop. I realised I will never ever forget and we will never be the same. So I left.

I am so much happier now and feel like the person I was before. This is priceless, the peace of mind.

janaus Tue 21-Jun-16 23:25:01

11 months on now. It still feels like yesterday.

Yorkstone, you put it perfectly.

We are together, but not together. We go out for dinner, have nice family times with our adult children and grandchildren. Been on lovely holiday. He is very caring, more than he ever was. Done all the right things.
I don't check things anymore. I trust him.

But I have a hole in my heart. I have distanced myself from him emotionally.

Today I put my dear 90 year old father to rest. H has been there for me, supporting. But I don't actually want him there.
The feeling of betrayal is too great. He not only betrayed me, but my family, and my father, who was living with us at the time.

I guess we will go on like this forever, I can't see myself ever forgiving or forgetting and move on.

janaus Tue 21-Jun-16 23:27:39

Barbara, I'm with you on that. It is like Grief. Counsellor told me that is normal. Now I have a double whammy.

whattodowiththepoo Wed 22-Jun-16 03:58:41

3 years, feels like a lifetime a go we are both completely different people.

BarbaraRoberts Wed 22-Jun-16 05:14:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UptheAnty Wed 22-Jun-16 06:58:24

2 years for is.
We were separated at the time, our relationship was on the skids , I didn't see any alternative but divorce...
But then it's like the seriousness of it all shocked us awake.
He's turned himself inside out to prove his love to me since. Our relationship is nothing like it was, it's so much more communicative , mature.
I would say I trust fully.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

How do you feel op?

Icequeen01 Wed 22-Jun-16 07:59:49

29 years for me! Took me about 10 years if I'm honest to truly get over it. It was torture at first and I honestly didn't think I would get through it. We had only been married for 2 years and it was someone he worked with. Found out the day we came back from holiday and her DP was in the doorstep,waiting to speak to my DH. My world just imploded. I was also dealing with my mum as my dad had left her following an affair with her best friend. My mum and dad had been married for 26 years and my mum was in pieces.

I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me and I can count on one hand the people I have told all these years later. DH and I have been together since we were 16 and the bond was still very strong between us. It took huge amounts of effort in both our parts and we did go to counselling which helped. We made it through and went on to have DC. We celebrated our 31st Wedding anniversary earlier in the year and I can honestly say I hardly ever think about it now. He has never been unfaithful since and we have a very strong marriage and doubt anyone would take the old bugger off my hands now!

Scornedwoman67 Wed 22-Jun-16 08:44:38

Eight years for me - I then met someone else & let the relationship develop very slowly. Thought I was doing everything right. Then he did it to me as well. I've given up on men. I now look after my self & my DC and trust nobody.

aLeafFalls Wed 22-Jun-16 08:49:39

I forgave. It was, as you know, incredibly difficult and painful. I really put myself through it.

Then 10 years later he did it again.

I would never encourage a cheated on spouse to stay. He showed me who he was and I chose not to believe him.

loobyloo1234 Wed 22-Jun-16 08:53:20

Is OP just after a story here? Another post and run ... hmm

Fintress Wed 22-Jun-16 08:54:25

Forgave him twice, the third time I kicked him out and divorced him. He made me wait 2 years before it was finalised. Only a threat of court made him agree to it. He moved in with the woman he cheated with. A few months ago he emailed me with a pic of me taken on honeymoon and went on to say he had split with the female in question. Not sure what he was expecting me to say. I've moved on with my life, I refrained from replying with a pic of me and my husband on our honeymoon.

Emptynestx2 Wed 22-Jun-16 09:13:46

Six months for me, we're still trying to make it work but it's hard to trust him again and to get rid of the feeling that I wasn't good enough after being married for 22 years. I hope we will be ok.

Marquand Wed 22-Jun-16 10:20:32

2 months for me.

I don't know how I feel, really. I'm dealing with a rough pregnancy (now 33 weeks) and DD (6) and DS (3) and work that is rough, and having moved house in Feb, and and and.

I'm over the initial shock, and I am not giving it much head space at the moment. I just want to survive until I go onto maternity leave on 22 July (6 days before the planned C-section). I think maternity leave will be a time to reflect about a lot of things.

I know I won't be able to cope with parenting 3 kids under 7 on my own, so for now we are together.

Burgerandchips Wed 22-Jun-16 10:47:39

I tried to make it work but it didn't. It just became ping pong of what each other had done wrong in the relationship. I brought it up all the time because I was still hurt and he just wanted me to get over it as to him it didn't mean anything to him. I loved him so much even after he cheated but I realised love is not enough and mental Peace of mind is most important.

Razorlightnight Wed 22-Jun-16 11:52:53

Six months ago I found out my partner had been sexting a stranger. The sexting had stopped 2 months prior to my finding out.

We're still together. I don't feel the same as I did before (content, carefree .. incredibly lucky). Everything seems to lead back to the fact that he was able to decieve and lie to me without me having any inkling. We were incredibly close (in my eyes at least) before hand. My best mate, no rows, spent most of our free time together. It's tough to take that he chose not to talk to me/that he chose to sext someone else. It's hard to believe it was a one off and that he'll never do it again. Feels as though our past, present and future is tainted by this.

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