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Sadly familiar story

(115 Posts)
Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 13:57:43

So it's a familiar story, husband has just told me he doesnt have romantic feelings for me any more, been together 15 years, married for 5, 2dc aged 7 and 5.

Just looking for some advice on how to tell the kids, what to do next? He's not abusive, we get on as friends, he just acts like a child. I asked him to leave but he goes very whiny and asks me why I'm being mean to him if I get angry, I mean wtf?

Haven't told any friends or family yet.
We nearly split up in 2014 due to him smoking too much weed and turning into a megalomaniac when his business took off (I was a SAHM for two years which caused a massive imbalance in our relationship). It came to a head when I had to have two emergency ops in six months and he was absolutely crap at supporting me and told me he had feelings for someone at work.

I saw a solicitor then but he stopped smoking completely and we went to counselling. Seemed to sort lots of things out and did lots of great things last year (Road trip across Europe with the kids, lovely Christmas etc).

He's just told me he doesnt have any intense feelings for me and hes attracted to other people which he doesnt feel is right. He never had a long term relationship before me and he's 40 this year so might be a mid life crisis but just don't have any more energy left to deal with him being such an irritating twat. The kids adore him though, not sure how to do this calmly and amicably, just want to take a crowbar to his face at the moment

UptheAnty Tue 21-Jun-16 14:06:26

Despite having a difficult time at the moment you make me grin
Whilst the crowbar to the face may be momentarily satisfying....I'm afraid you'll only have to clean up the mess.

Are you ready to split?

Your dh sounds very immature

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jun-16 14:16:28

Let the silly bastard go

Honestly, who would be daft enough to keep someone around who clearly will be off at the first hint of extra skirt (if it hasn't already happened)

Give him a yellow mac and a little suitcase with his name on and fuck him right off

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:17:35

He's the person I can tell anything to, he really is my best friend. He said he put off telling me this stuff because he doesn't want to lose that either but I'm so worn out with not getting any affection from him (apart from sex). Its like we're friends with benefits but after this many years I want to be with a grown up :-( so I know splitting is for the best but it's going to be like losing my right arm

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:19:05

Yeah I know I'm a mug, he probably has an Ow although he denies it and I haven't found any evidence

UptheAnty Tue 21-Jun-16 14:20:21

He's not your best friend. He's treating you very badly. Change is scarey but it's also enlightening.

It's difficult for you to see what a bastard he is when you're in it.
Let him go.

Your life will be so much better without him.

adora1 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:20:43

You know yourself this is not a good enough relationship for you, he's already been sniffing around and you really don't know what he is doing, believe him and deal with it, however hurtful it may be - he's already been cheating by the sounds of it, you must know you would be better off with someone who can commit 100%.

He's using you for sex too which is awful.

Sorry but right now he is not your friend, you need to get practical, maybe after all the work is done you both can remain friends.

He's a man child as you say, plenty time now for you to meet your equal.

adora1 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:22:01

I think he has a bloody cheek to think he can remain with you and probably still get his leg over.

Buzzardbird Tue 21-Jun-16 14:28:47

He's not your best friend.

I'm sorry you are going to see this down the line.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:39:11

I'm so angry with myself for not having more backbone and wasting all this time on a loser, I'm willing him to be be good at this, hes so capable in lots of other ways

Thankyou for all your comments, I know it's all true, it's scary but good to hear too, I'm not being mean to him, he is a twat

ImperialBlether Tue 21-Jun-16 14:39:44

This man isn't your best friend.

Think again about how he treated you when you were ill - that is when you find out who your friends are. He didn't support you and, as if that wasn't bad enough, he started to have feelings for someone else!

You know it's got to end - you deserve better than this. Better to take the initiative and say, "You're right, I don't want to be with you any more" and take control of the situation.

It's going to be horrible in the short term but long term I think you'll feel much better.


I love AF's suggestion re the mac and suitcase!

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:40:36

And it's setting a bobbins example to my kids who are both boys of how women expect to be treated

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:41:00

But anyway, amicable way forward?

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:43:23

I know I will feel better in the end, it's just the beginning bit I'm struggling with.

Thanks for being so nice grin

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jun-16 15:38:26

You know all the answers, love.

You know what you would say to your best friend if she was in this situation

Be your own best friend here

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 15:56:41

Sammyhb flowers waves.
Loving you're humour.and excellent use of Bobbin grin
No advice from me Im afraid. I totally get the concern about modelling behaviour for boys.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 19:08:17

Thanks guys, you've helped me think more clearly and calmly, I'm not losing him he's losing me and he will regret that but it isn't my problem. If I think in terms that I am the one in control it feels much better.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 21-Jun-16 19:21:47

Sounds to me like you are potentially in a great position for a happy future.

Definitely keep it amicable. Get a mediator booked. Work out the detail. If he is a good dad (now he has kicked the drugs) he should do 50:50.

You can then get yourself a friend with benefits for affection and excellent sex sometimes when the DC are with their dad.

You and ex stay best friends if you want and become excellent co-parents. That would be a great outcome.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 19:38:23

It would, thanks RunRabbit, he loves the kids so much and they love him, he's just not a very good husband. I think a friend with benefits would be great although I'm 42 so not sure I'm allowed on tinder smile

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 21-Jun-16 19:42:35

I'm older than you and people try to pull me from time to time (not tinder, am married). People I might actually go for if not married. Even when sober. Oh yes. There is fun to be had elsewhere if you are single.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 21:32:21

Hb has come home tonight with two sides of A4 for me to read about how he feels (upshot is he wants an open relationship but realises I'm not up for that facepalm) He is now saying he will do 50% of the childcare despite never having suggested that before.....I'm on the verge of a sense of humour failure.

RunRabbit, it's been so long since I did any flirting/ copping off with anyone else the idea scares me witless although I do vaguely remember it being fun in the past. When did I turn into this shadow former self? I used to be a handful, not a doormat confused

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 21:59:34

Blimey Sammy, what a cheek!
Out or in matey.cake and eating it or what.

ravenmum Tue 21-Jun-16 22:41:01

My ex had some dream about me and him living together "like brother and sister" while he and his mistress had fun together. (Though he told this to the mistress not to me!) They want to have their cake and everyone else's cake too. Good that yours will be looking after the kids 50% of the time though as that gives you plenty of time for dating and going out once you're ready to have some fun again.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 23:20:06

Writing it all down has made me realise how ridiculous this is, and him writing it down is really helpful when I do see the solicitor....

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 23:21:19

I don't know what planet they are on sometimes ravenmum shock

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