Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ExH having breakdown seems to want to involve me - long back story

(14 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Tue 21-Jun-16 13:40:40

Four years ago then H told me he was having affair with close friend. I wanted to work on marriage the wise ones here told me that if he wasn't pulling out all the stops then he didn't want stay. Ended up in counselling ( his choice) where I said he had to stop seeing OW for me to continue with counselling he refused and said I couldn't continue - in his head I ended our marriage not him.
He moved out five days later had 'sleep over' with DD ( then 8) and OW. I had stuck to the line with DD that we were making each other happy and felt it was better to have 2 happy homes etc. Going forward we had 50:50 shared care, but his time was a mix of his, OW's ( when her H was away on business!!) and his mothers. I suggested mediation and went to my first appointment he refused to go.
Fast forward 18 months OW is alcoholic and has no driving licence ( the type of ban that you need repeated blood tests to regain your licence), ExH arrest for drink driving with DD in car. Loses his licence then his job. As he is unable to get DD to school contact goes to EOW, again suggest mediation, go to first appointment, he refuses.
1 month after driving ban I am called to school to see CP officer, DD has reported sustained verbal abuse to school counsellor by ExH and OW. I stop contact to protect DD. Get vile texts from him and even worse letters from his mother. Over next year I proposed and put myself to considerable effort ( he had moved away) to move through supervised contact, to unsupervised in public place, to him having overnight contact. No more incidents.
Now 2 years on again I am selling family home moving to easier to keep house closer to DD's school. There are legal complexities due to ExH not getting on with his side of divorce and move is held up due to him dragging his heels a lot. Finally got moved date on Friday.
This move will be fresh start for DD and I is fabulous location for us in so many ways, is the kind of house ExH would never have chosen etc.
The fact that I am moving on seems to have been some kind of catalyst and he sends a text this morning to say he is being referred to mental health and maybe admitted. I don't engage. Then at lunch time he phones with the 'I thought you should know I am being assessed and maybe admitted'.
I am sympathetic to mental illness, however, I feel he is trying to engage me in becoming involved in his care. He is still with OW though she is very unwell with complications of being an alcoholic. He chose this life and chose to leave me and being involved is not my job. Yes if you are admitted then please just inform me that you have been admitted, but don't expect me to rush around helping to fix you.
In my mind he broke my child into a thousand pieces with everything he has done and I have spent four years putting her back together and where she is now is a wonderful place and I am so proud of her. Now we are making a fresh start ( now she is strong enough for it), you seem to imply that we have tipped you over the edge.

How come he can make me feel like I am being unreasonable about not wanting to be involved?

TheStoic Tue 21-Jun-16 14:05:18

He can't make you feel anything. You feel this way because you are a kind, empathetic person who cares about other people.

He sacked you from being there for him for better or for worse.

You can care from a distance. He is someone else's problem now.

mumndad37 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:07:15

IMO he is trying to Hoover you back into taking care of him. Please don't fall for it! You sound like you have done soooo sooooo well for you and DD; please don't let him back into your life. flowers

aginghippy Tue 21-Jun-16 14:09:23

You are so NBU! You are doing the right thing to disengage. Don't get drawn in. He is your ex, it's not your problem now.

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job of putting your dd's needs first. Focus on her and on your bright future in your new place. Don't look back.

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jun-16 14:09:49

Don't get involved

You and your daughter owe him nothing

He is reaping what he sowed, for sure

I would stop all his contact with your daughter too

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 21-Jun-16 14:24:26

I am working hard to not being involved, he is a master at playing the victim.
All the usually stuff if I had done X,y and z he wouldn't have had the affair - no mate you choose to have the affair, it was the dogs fault that the police pulled him over and breathalysed - no your choose to have drink etc.
He just keeps doing this trying to drag me back into his life and I have not engaged, but the other stuff has been smaller.
Thank you ladies for minding me I am doing the right thing.
Regarding contact if he is admitted it will be miles away so I won't be able to take DD to see him. For other reasons if he is admitted I suspect this will be the final straw that gets SS involved in his life and I will expect contact from them. In the last two years until a few weeks ago he has done right by DD, but it has started to slip.

aginghippy Tue 21-Jun-16 17:06:17

Don't engage, it's just manipulative nonsense. If what he says is true, he has got a referral to mental health services. He is still being assessed. He can't know how likely it is that he will be admitted. He keeps mentioning it to try and draw you back in.

If it's in dd's best interests, continue to make her available for contact. Don't respond to communications about himself.

If it turns out he is admitted (it may never happen) you can make a decision then about whether contact would be beneficial for dd. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

bibbitybobbityyhat Tue 21-Jun-16 17:10:23

Oh God you poor thing flowers.

Timeforabiscuit Tue 21-Jun-16 17:15:14

Keep going strong and watch out for the flying monkeys, especially if ex mil has been vile in the past.

Many congratulations to you and your daughter for moving on and up.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 21-Jun-16 18:52:31

Well done for not getting sucked in by his manipulative bullshit. You don't need to respond. You're absolutely correct, this is the life he chose.

Agree with not responding to anything about himself. Keep all communication to your DD and nothing more.

magoria Tue 21-Jun-16 18:56:14

If you are contacted by anyone (including him) you just need a standard response to cut & paste.

Something like 'I am pleased X is getting the help he needs, it will make life/contact with DD much better eventually.'

Don't say any more or less than something like that.

DetestableHerytike Tue 21-Jun-16 19:02:13

Don't engage. Well done o. Making your life much better

Oddsocksgalore Tue 21-Jun-16 19:10:17

Well done op, you are amazing!

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 21-Jun-16 23:12:13

Biscuit I sniggered as the thought of ExMIL as a flying monkey.
I will keep it all about DD and not engage with the stuff.
Thank you all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now