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hand hold please. Its over :(

(42 Posts)
SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 13:15:46

Tried to name change, but could figure out how to. Im a bit of a mess.

Today I had to face the.reality that the dream of a different life abroad is over, given it a go for three years, but its just not sustainable.
We made the move and the plan was for my husband to work remotely from the uk and.slowly set himself up freelance. I have been a sahm/homeschooler. In the last six months he got himself sacked from uk job, caused himself an ingury which lost him a physical job here. He has aspergers and his mental heath has deteriorated. He cant provide for us any longer. His his eyes this is all my fault because I make his life so difficult (only ever expected him to do fair share, no more) Ive been blames for everthing. and now we are in finacial ruin.
Me and the kids will be coming back to the uk before the end of the summer.
I have nothing, no qualifications, no money. And my own mental health is.starting to slide. (ive been there before PTSD due to CSA at primary school)
Im devastated. Its the kids last day of school tomorrow and they wont be going back in September. I cant believe ill be takung them away from their home, school, friends. They are doing so well fluent in their new language settled, thriving and happy.
I'll not get any benefits.for six months. Ill have to live with my parents in the town where I was abused. I cant even bring myself to think about having to put the kids in a school in a uniform which is a massive trigger for me.
Ive let them down so badly. Im a digrace to femanism. I relied on a man to support me. What a fool I have been.
The kids will be home soon, they will see ive been crying. Dont know how Im going to tell them that we will be moving, and all our plans for the summer and beyond are cancelled.
Just need to vent, been so lonley and isolated here.
Its gonna be ok isnt it?
Gah, dont know where to start to make things right for them.
if you're still reading, thanks.

loobyloo1234 Tue 21-Jun-16 13:21:59

Just here to hold your hand SantanaBinLorry flowers

Is there any way you could get a job in the country you are living? Are all of your DC at school? Could you earn enough to rent a place yourself?

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 13:30:33

thanks loobyloo.

Highly unlikely ill find work, my language skills not up to scratch. Plus I genuinely couldnt trust husband to look after kids. Would be fine if alls he had to do was play lego, but getting them up, fed, clean and into school etc he's just not capable sad Plus school hours a split shift so finding work to fit around that is neigh on impossible.
I feel terrible..Im leaving a mentally unwell disabled man. I'm not gonna come out of this looking good. His parents already hate me.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 13:38:20

Do you get on with your parents? Will they be there for you? Also are there any other schools they could go to?

My husband and I are separating, only two days into that but can't imagine being abroad and putting having to move into the mix as well. You will get through it though, you've been a stay at home mum you can do anything... If you've been lonely where you are maybe going back to familiar faces will make things a bit easier? X

MrsBertBibby Tue 21-Jun-16 13:46:49

Does your husband agree that you and the kids will be changing country?

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 14:16:39

I get on with my folks now, it was tough.and I was NC for a while. But we've moved forward and I learned, through therapy to set some boundries. But it will be hard for me to go back, even though I know they will have mine and the kids best intrests at heart. They know my home town would be my last choice, but I have no other options.

Seeing my friends again will definitely help, Ive missed so many babies and weddings.

My husband wants us to stay, so no I dont think he agree's as such. I not sure If Im legally allowd to take them out of the counrty wthout his permission. Im not sure if he knows this. But what else do I do?In three months We will be evicted and I have no money to feed the kids...

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 14:17:45

Sammyhb so sorry you're facing this too. Shit innit! flowers

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 14:25:41

Glad to hear you've got some friends to rely on. I wouldn't want to move in with my parents either, we are supposed to be going to center parcs in Aug for my mums 70th and just can't tell her before then, she will be gutted and it will ruin the holiday :-( luckily they live away so can keep it from them even though it will kill me x

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 14:34:24

Unfortunately or fortunately...? My folks have witnessed husbands full on Aspie melt downs, so they know what I've been dealing with.
Ive made a bis effort to keep contact with friends since we moved. I love facebook for this! I have a couple if friends who know the ins and outs. But most are friends with both of us and have only ever seen the gentle, calm, kind and talented man I first met.
His Aspergers diagnosis was late, age 37 and he's not dealth with the fall out, emotinally. His parents think he's artistc not autistc. His mum thinks he copied his stutter from another kid at nursery. In the ten years we have been together shr has foned him once. They have fucked him up big time and my heart breaks for him too.
But I just cant support him anymoresad

loobyloo1234 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:41:01

OP - could you parents help you out financially with a deposit for a new place in a new town in the UK? Rather than having to go back to their house? Do you have any money you could use to tide you over whilst you look for work - in a new house?

Have you spoken with your DH about your plans?

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 14:44:07

The school local to my mums is the one I went to so that a big no no.
Thinking about uk schooling is frying my brain. They've been homeschooled then started here at age 6. The system here is so different, im not even sure how or where they would fit in year group wise. Ive got a feeling they will be classed as behind, certainly with english reafing levels etc.
Such a nightmare.
We made some out of the ordinary decision with regards to their schooling and pulled out all the stops to make sure they fitted in here. They and I ate going to have to that again in reverse.

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 14:49:21

Folks have no money to help out, retired on state pension only My husbands parents have been proping him/us up finacially for over a year (guilt money) I did not know about this, he made out he was being paid for work. He wasnt.

Ive told him i'll be heading back before the end of the summer, before the money in the bank runs out. He's frantically trying to find more work, and Im not allowed to disturb him sad

MrsBertBibby Tue 21-Jun-16 16:37:24

You almost certainly can't remove the kids without his agreement or a court order. Are you in the EU?

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 16:47:52

Yes EU.
What could he a actually do to stop me?
Do I let my kids become homeless/hungry coz that's what will happen.
Ive no doubt he'll be right behind me when he runs out of money.

Advice would be nice, rather than scaring me.

loobyloo1234 Tue 21-Jun-16 16:52:01

I think you need to breathe OP. I do agree that you cannot just up and leave. It's not fair on anyone

What if DH gets another job? If he is frantically trying to find another one, it sounds like he is doing all he can to keep the family together? Please speak with him before making a rash decision

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 17:10:24

Im trying to stay calm, and breathe, I really am.
Im not making a rash decision. I'll not be leaving tomorrow, I have to get a passport for one of the kids.
This hasnt come out of the blue. I knew the financials months ago, as did he. He buried his head in the sand and thought it would be ok. Then he had (a completely avoidable).accident taking him out of the only paid work he had.
He's had months and months to sort this out.
In three months there will be NO money left in the bank.
To be honest he has zero understanding of basic finaces and very little about the industry he wants to work in. I will be very very surprised if he finds.enough work in time to pay Octobers rent. Do I wait for the eviction notice?

This is down to late diagnosis Aspergers and subsequent mental health problems.
If these two things were not in the picture it would be finacial amd emotional abuse.

I cant magic money from thin air.

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 17:11:10

If you're in Europe do you have access to any local mental health services/support for your hb? Could you fund a local maker of lovely things and sell them on etsy eBay or amazon? (Just thinking I did this when SAHM and in theory possible from anywhere) flowers

Sammyhb Tue 21-Jun-16 17:13:57

I meant find not fund oops hmm

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 17:20:38

Thanks Sammyhb I used to make and sell when in the uk, but genuinely havnt had the energy lately. Ive pretty much been a si glr mum to two kids.and a petulant teenager. Haven't done. anything for myself for over a year (or had anything.done for me).

He's terrified of gp's. He wont go. He's was on and of AD for years before we met. He wont take them again. I kind of understand why. He has been let down by these services before and AD messed.with his creative focus, which is his work. So bloody complex, the pair of us.
I think the similarities in our lives that brought us together, and understand.each other, will sadly be the things that will break us.
His parents are paying for Irlen syndrome testing and glasses as he has dyslexia and SPD.

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 17:21:17

^single mum

MrsBertBibby Tue 21-Jun-16 17:56:25

I'm sorry if it upsets you, but if you take the children out of the country where they are habitually resident ithout his consent or an order, he can go to the police (it is a criminal offence) and he can ask the UK court to order the children back to wherever he is until a decision is made.

You need to get consent or go to court, if your situation is as dire as you describe, a court will no doubt agree and let you remove them.

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 18:22:58

Hhhmmm. Well I wish I didnt know that now

So I have to ask him if I can take them?

I've already said Im going before the money runs out.

MrsBertBibby Tue 21-Jun-16 19:10:42

Sorry, but it's better, surely, than finding out when you get arrested?

Yes, you have to ask him. You really need to get proper advice from a family lawyer in whatever country you are in. Can anyone fund that?

SantanaBinLorry Tue 21-Jun-16 19:46:40

Jesus, wish id never started this tread now.
No, absolutely no money to fund family lawyer. If there was money for a bloody lawyer there'd be money for rent!

I also think that my husband is actually not capable of finding this info out and following through with any of it. He would never in a million years approach the police about ANYTHING let alone to get me arrested.

Im never going to stop him seeing the children, ever. Like I say he'll be back in the uk himself when the money runs out. Im just going before that happens .
But I do need to keep a roof over their head and he/we cant do that in the finacial position we have found ourselves in.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Tue 21-Jun-16 20:31:37

The courts aren't going to order her back if the father doesn't have a roof for the kids to live under.
You know him op - you know whether he's likely to haul you back if you take them (bear in mind everyone is capable of acting out of character) and you know what risk you would be taking.

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