At a loss as what to do with eldest son

[6demandingchildren]

Eldest son is 26 lives in the same town, I had him at 17 married his dad had a daughter divorces his dad as he was an alcoholic had an abusive relationship after that and when son was 4 met husband I'm still with and we had 4 more children and hubby treats them all the same.
Son has always been hard work and has had most of my attention due to the way he is. At 14 I needed a break from him and he stayed at my sil who lived a few doors down, ds tells people I threw him out when I didn't I just needed a break.
When he was 16 hubby was having treatment for cancer I had 4 children and a young baby and I was running hubbys business and d's stopped going to college and just lazed about the house all day and when I got in from work he ignored me left his mess to go and meet his friends. This is when I did ask him to leave (making sure he has somewhere to go )
He has temporally moved back in and out a few times, 2 years ago he attacked my daughter in her flat as he was living with her then and he broke her finger and spat in her face, he then married and be spat in his husband cousins face.
He starts a discussion then when you try and put an. Opinion in he shouts you down, this is how he starts most arguments, I really don't know why he does this and I have tried googling and it sound like something called intermittent explosive disorder.
Last week I had my mum over and my daughter comes for lunch when she finishes work and drives my mum home, I messaged son to see if he was joining us but I got no reply.He arrived about 4pm and asked to use the phone to contact work as he is off sick at the moment, he then asked daughter to wait for him to get a call back as he also wanted a lift home, he started a discussion about the eu and I didn't offer my opinion as I could see him going on one, he informed my mum that she should not vote due to her age and she said she won't vote if he didn't want her to!
My daughter tried to put her opinion across but he just shouted at her and she never got to finish what she was trying to say.
He carried on ranting and my daughter decided to go taking my mum with her.
Son carried on his discussion and I was trying not to get to involved, then he said if we leave the eu our police would have guns, all i said was "some police here already do have guns"
He is 6.5 foot tall and he towered over me screaming at me calling me the c word and saying that I think I'm educated but I'm not and I'm as thick as shit, I told him it was time to go and I got up and started to take things out to the kitchen to get away from him but he kept following me leaning over me shouting at me.
Then he said what a shit mother I was and that I hate him and his life is shit because of me, he then jabbed his nail into my forehead, I put up my hand and told him enough and to leave, he pressed his head up against my hand while still screaming at me and I just pushed him away, with that be he started screaming louder that I hit his jaw(he recently had surgery but I know I didn't touch his jaw) he then slapped me round the head and punched my head knocking me into the wall, I then started screaming at him to get out, he said some more things I'm not sure what and then spat in my face he had hold of my arm at this point as I was trying to get away and he dug his nails in so hard he drew blood.
He yanked my arm so much and threw me around like a rag doll, he let go and he grabbed my 10 year olds phone and said he was going to phone the police as I assaulted him, I got my phone to phone my husband as I knew he would be on his way home from work but he was still 20 minutes away so I also phoned the police as I just wanted him to leave. While on the phone to the police he carried on screaming at me telling me what I am and be spat in my face again, when I had the chance I grabbed my 2 younger son's and got out of the house while waiting for the police. My 10 year old was hysterical the younger one is autistic and he was surprising calm. The police arrived and they wanted me to make a statement but I told them he has been through enough recently and I made excuses for him but I realized he was like this before but I still couldn't bring myself to press charges I just wanted him to leave, hubby got back from work in the middle of all this and son wanted to speak to him and he said that he was sorry he dug his nails into me. He left causing problems for my other son on his way home.
I have put nothing of this on social media as it's not the done thing and I have blocked him from everywhere as I'm in shock that he can be so vile r as he is always preaching about spreading the love etc. Now everyone knows about how he feels about me as well meaning friends and family have sent me what he has written, including that he doesn't want me to die he just wants me to get cancer and suffer. Only close friends and family know about the attack as I have bruises and my arm is in a sling as I have tissue damage.
I'm embarrassed and I really don't know what I did to cause this. I love him dearly and I would do anything for any of my children and now I am finding myself on a different ground and I want nothing more to do with him even tho I love him. I can't stop crying over this.
Sorry for all the spelling mistakes but this took ages to write as I'm right handed and that's the one I can't use.

[MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet]

They don't sound like very well meaning friends to be passing on his nonsense! I would tell them to stop that immediately!

I'm so sorry to read this - it must be a terrible point to reach, that you realise that there is no way back now with your own son. But you must prioritise your own health and that of your younger children. It seems you have given him plenty of chances and quite frankly, he is old enough and ugly enough to be responsible for his actions, and take the consequences.

I really hope you can move past this, and reach a point of acceptance for how this relationship will be. I certainly wouldn't contemplate engaging with him for a long time now, until he can act like an adult, and apologise to everyone he has hurt.

[6demandingchildren]

I really want to talk to him and ask him why be did this and why does he think that I hate him but for some reason he has always said to people that I hate him but I'm still the first person he comes to when he needs help. But it helps knowing I'm not that nasty even tho I have blocked all contact with him.

[pallasathena]

There are some people in this world who feel very inadequate for whatever reason and blame their upbringing for everything that's wrong in their life. Its the nature/nurture debate on an individual and very personal level.

Were they born like that or did family/parenting/society make them that way?

I honestly don't know the answer. But I do know that there are a lot of families in crisis out there, desperate to find answers as to why their adult children have turned out the way they have.

Stay safe. You have to pull away from this relationship now o/p before even more damage is done. You can't fix him, he has to want to fix himself.

[Isetan]

Not to excuse his current behaviour but his early years sound very chaotic.

[jellyrolly]

I would ask your gp if there is any sort of family counselling you could go to, it sounds like you would benefit from a third party trying to help you unpick this. I hope you are ok x

[MrsSpecter]

What a disgusting piece of shit he is. I would have him arrested and press charges for assault and he would never have contact with me again.

[RebelRogue]

Next time he does this ,and you know there will be a next time, call the police and press charges. You are not helping or protecting him,you are enabling him. There are no consequences for his behaviour and words. You are his safe place(that's why he always runs to you) as he knows you'll never do anything about it. Think about how his behaviour affect his younger siblings. How they affect you mentally and emotionally. He is abusing you,and just because he is your child does not mean you have to be his punching bag emotionally,physically or mentally. He's a man now, he's 26 not 6 and things could become very dangerous as his behaviour seems to be escalating. He already attacked his sister and you,what if next time is one of the little ones?

[MrsSpecter]

You dont need to wait until next time. You can press charges now.

[PPie10]

You need to press charges. He is a vile, vile person. He has inflicted violence on his own mother and siblings. People like him should not get into relationships or have children. He needs to be dealt with, stop feeling sorry for him and make him accountable for his actions.

[6demandingchildren]

Rebel thank you what you have said has hit home.I'm worried also about my elderly mother who has given him the last of her savings do he can pay his rent. He got verbally abusive with her a few weeks ago and if be can do this to me he probably can't control himself and may do it to her.
Isetan his early life was not as hectic as I protected him from most of it and apart from my memories that he has made his own he can't remember much of it.
I want to press charges and
Maybe I should but it's so hard when you love that person unconditionally, but if be he comes near me again I know I will but the older children have asked that even if we do patch things up not to invite him for Christmas as he always ruins it.

[jellyrolly]

Pressing charges doesn't mean you are giving up on him. At his age there is no reason not to understand that that is the reasonable consequence of what he has done. You can still love him and be there for him without accepting this kind of behaviour.

[RebelRogue]

The thing is...he needs help and MAYBE with that help things will get better. But from what you say he's not the type to even admit he was wrong,much less ask for help. And you can't make him given his age. If you love him,pressing charges might be the best thing for him if they make him go to therapy,anger management etc. The thing is...it went way beyond you now,it's affecting the little ones seeing their mum and brother like that,and breaking up relationships with the older ones. Sorry to be so harsh but in protecting him,you are not protecting them and you might end up losing them all. I understand it's a very hard thing to do,but it needs to be done for everyone's sake,including your son x

[6demandingchildren]

2 years ago he wanted to get his first passport so I got my birth certificate ready for him but he left it weeks and I misplaced it, be got married and said his husband was going to sort it and he needed mine and hubbys passports, I explained to him that hubby wasn't his real dad and that bed wouldn't need his passport and mine had lapsed (I wasn't withholding it from him) anyway be kicked off saying I was being awkward but I was busy and didn't have Time that day to look for it. I tried saying to him that he can still get a passport if I can't find mine as what if I never had one. Anyway I couldn't find it as it was 5 years out of date . He refused to talk to me for at least 6 months, I sorted it with my son in law by being a copy of my birth certificate. Just because I was busy be I told everyone that I was being awkward as I hated him. Omg be went abroad for 3 months and I relaxed, while he was away be separated from his husband and walked out with no money so i used western union to send him money to live on until his flight a few weeks later.
I don't resent him for any of it but he acts like a spoilt brat who feels entitled.

[6demandingchildren]

All those. Be's are he's
Bloody phone sorry that was hard to read