Shocked by what I've been putting up with. WWYD?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I'm on a different thread which prompted me to write a list of my husband's behaviour which I see as unreasonable. Anyone managed to salvage a marriage from a similar situation? What did you do?

I feel quite hopeless. And nauseous...

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with occasional verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has presented. He has never come to a parents’ night (he did attend the parents’ meeting when our daughter was starting P1 and S1). He has never attended a hospital appointment or A+E visit. My husband has often been positively obstructive towards my attempts to manage the difficulties of having a chronically unwell child.
When I was abroad with work for 4 weeks we exchanged 23 words. He then accused me of being unfaithful.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become and a mother who is mentally unwell. "

[CommonBurdock]

It sounds like neither of you want to be together. An appointment with a divorce lawyer would be much more useful than seeking validation from complete strangers on the internet.

[WellErrr]

LTB and be happier alone or find someone else.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

No hope, then?

Fuck. What a mess.

[TheNaze73]

Sounds like one of you needs to make the first move to end this

[LemonBreeland]

You already don't have a marriage. There is no communication, you are effectively a single parent. Yes your DC would be better off without that waste of space living with you.

[tribpot]

I'm struggling to see why you wouldn't end this marriage.

[Squaddielife]

I'm so sorry that you've endured so many years of this horrible situation, which amounts to abuse.

It sounds very much like you would be better off alone than to continue living under those conditions (if you can call it living).

It's likely that the children are also affected by it so I would suggest you strive towards a healthier environment for you all.

I wish you all the best x

[Paulat2112]

You need to leave him. It is much better for children to see two separate happy parents than ones that cant stand to be around each other.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

Thanks guys. Am still hoping that we can work it out, we have three kids and the best thing for them is that they have a stable home.

If I'm going to end this marriage it has to be with a clear conscience. So, that means being able to say to the kids "I tried everything".

Feck.

This is grim.

[jubileepancakes]

I'm also on the other thread you are on OP. Your marriage sounds a lot like mine was. When I had to give my solicitor my ExH unreasonable behaviour details I found it very very cathartic. It read much like yours.

We are now at the decree nisi stage and even though we are still under the same roof things are so much better. The worst part was definitely having the conversation and issuing the divorce papers. Once that was done we agreed it was the right decision.

Hand holding should you need it. Stay strong.

[CiderwithBuda]

He doesn't want to engage. You can try everything until you are blue in the face but you will not t succeed.

Your children will be much happier. They will adapt and adjust.

It will be grim ending it but it's grim anyway isn't it?

[tribpot]

None of the behaviour you describe in your first post is behaviour that is good for a child to have in their home. God knows none of us are perfect, but what on earth can he possibly be offering in terms of parenting, or modelling respectful relationships, let alone modelling how they should parent when their time comes. There's nothing you can do about his behaviour, so how are you going to create this 'stable home' for your children?

[willconcern]

Thanks guys. Am still hoping that we can work it out, we have three kids and the best thing for them is that they have a stable home.

Sorry OP, but I don't agree with you. Based on your description of your marriage in your OP, your 3 children would be FAR better off if you were separated.

Children who come from homes where a parent is treated with abuse are much more likely to go on to have abusive relationships themselves - either as the victim or perpetrator of abuse. Your DCs are seeing you being treated appallingly, and accepting it. This validates your H's treatment of you, and conditions them to think that this is normal and acceptable in a relationship. Our children learn from what is modelled to them.

Have your DCs ever made any comment to you?

for you OP.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

The kids describe him as being "grumpy".

I excuse him because of his undiagnosed aspergers. The trouble with AS is that, if he is indeed on the spectrum, it's not going to improve. Not ever.

And the thought of that future makes me want to eat a lot of tunnocks teacakes. He wasn't like this when we got married, in retrospect, I was a special project.

I dunno. I'll have a chat with him tonight. It's only fair to let him see what I think is the problem, and see what he thinks it is. No doubt his perception is wildly different to mine.

I'm clutching at straws. I really did love him and I really did think that we'd be happy.

[SantanaBinLorry]

stealtheatingtunnocks
I excuse him because of his undiagnosed aspergers. The trouble with AS is that, if he is indeed on the spectrum, it's not going to improve. Not ever.

And the thought of that future makes me want to eat a lot of tunnocks teacakes. He wasn't like this when we got married, in retrospect, I was a special project.

I too was once my husbands special interest..Its very easy to fall in love with someone when they they think you are the bee's knee's.
Not so much once they find something new to get engrossed in.
I've forgive many things, and adapted to make his life easier. But there is a fine line betweenn AS and Asshole.

[IdaDown]

Stable doesn't (have) to mean married/together.

Also, I know a few people with HFA and related conditions. They're not grumpy, or at least not all the time. No more than me. Why do you think DH has HFA/spectrum disorder. Could he just be a 'twat'*

• recognised condition of person not suffering with mental health illness or Autism and related conditions but using aforesaid conditions to excuse shite behaviour.
  
  

[SantanaBinLorry]

sorry, posted too soon. I do believe that aspies can learn and adapt, not change completely. But there are ways in which they can try to understand the effect of their disability on others... if they want to.
WRT my husband Stubbornly and defensive.dosnt even come close to describe it.

[SandyY2K]

Sounds like hell more than a marriage TBH.

It's a marriage on paper only.

Children should grow up seeing normal healthy relationships otherwise the cycle repeats itself and they'll end up in relationships like yours.

[Whooptydoo1]

You can't save your marriage on your own, it would be difficult to fix things if he wanted to, and from what you've said he doesn't seem to to want to help you, himself or your marriage. It also sounds like you both might have issues with mental health, and may be happier apart, your kids won't thank you for staying in a relationship that you're so unhappy in, it really is better to be apart. Even if he doesn't get him shit together and become a better dad, at least u (and therefore your kids) will be happier, I'm sorry your going through all this

[Whooptydoo1]

you're aaggghhh grammar

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

Gosh, this is so helpful.

Yes, there is a large percentage of his behaviour which is twat-esque, Ida. But, how can I leave him for being wired differently to me? Seems a bit too harsh, if he was ill I'd not leave. In sickness and in health and all that.

There's a test you can do, the AQ test - it's not diagnostic, but, it is a bit of a hint that maybe it'd be worth pursuing a diagnosis if you wanted to. If you score 35+/50 then you're probably somewhere on the spectrum. He scored 46/50, I scored 4/50. Which was very helpful because it quantified our differences in perceptions in numbers, made sense to him.

But, now - you're right, I can't fix this on my own. It's just so disappointing. We promised ourselves we wouldn't turn into exactly this. Feck.

[SomeonesRealName]

Nevermind his possible ASD or anything else for that matter what you described in your OP sounds like absolute hell. It's so awful to an outsider that the idea that a positive and nurturing relationship can somehow be salvaged from it is farcical. I'm sorry that you have to confront the grief of turning your back on your hopes for this marriage but you have nothing left to try and you have done over and above what any reasonable person could possibly expect of anyone. You need to remove your children and yourself from this awful damaging situation, regardless of what is at the root of it. If your house is on fire, you need to get out. How can we help?

[CiderwithBuda]

Does he treat others the way he treats you? (Marital bed and sex excepted!)

If he treats others better it's not a 'condition' - it's deliberate choice.

DH and I have separate bedrooms and don't have a sexual relationship. His choice. (Used to really bother me but doesn't now). But I know he loves me even if he is not demonstrative. He shows me in other ways. He treats me well. Puts me first in lots of things. He cares and he shows me that daily. We get on well. He makes me laugh. He's a great dad. I can't imagine not being with him. We are both grumpy sometimes and sometimes just his breathing irritates me but I think that's normal.

Doesn't sound like you have any of that.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

No, Cider, he's withdrawn from everyone. He's never really had friends, or a close relationship with his family. Doesn't seem to need it, of course, when I first met him there were lots of family meet ups, but, now he actively avoids it.

I am never put first.

Feck.

I am nauseous. I genuinely didn't realise how bad it was until I looked up "unreasonable behaviour" and started thinking about us.

Wonder what he'd say about me?

Realistically, he's AS, stressed with the kids, he needs peace and quiet and can't get that living with us. So, that's why he drinks, to cope.

I'd love what you have, Cider. There's always wanking, but, it's very hard to make yourself laugh.

Feck, feck, feck, feck.

[CiderwithBuda]

Agree about the wanking but not being able to make your self laugh!

To be honest maybe your DH would be happier if you separated. If he needs peace and quiet maybe he would be better living alone and seeing the children regularly.

You woul be happier.
The children would be happier. He might actually be a better father if he has some distance and space.

Divorce or separation doesn't need to be horrible. It would depend on how he would view it.