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Dating - gone back to his ex

(14 Posts)
purpleshimmer Tue 21-Jun-16 10:53:59

Hi all,
I've not been on these boards for a good year now as been through so much crap. I got a lot of support from fellow members at the time which I am so grateful for, so a big thank you flowers

Can anyone offer any hand holding or advice? I met a guy online in April...we have chatted all this time with a break of about 2 weeks in early May when he went quiet on me.
I started to talk to him again just asking how he was and the regular chatting started up again.
Over the last 3/4 weeks we have text, Skyped and he met up twice.
After being hurt so so badly by an ex and after meeting so many idiots online I really thought this was finally a decent bloke. Really lovely.
A gentleman, kind and caring and so good looking but not arrogant with it. As nervous as me when we first kissed and everything, eager to see me again, always kept in touch.
Well we last met last Monday and continued messaging but on Friday he ignored my text. I thought maybe a phone problem.
I left it a few days and today sent one asking if all was ok and if he had lost his phone contacts or something....he's replied with a message telling me that an ex has been back in touch and there is a possibility of them getting back together and so he doesn't think it would be fair to continue talking to me. He added two kisses as he always does.
I have replied saying how much I liked him but thanked him for his honesty and wished him well.

Thing is I am absolutely gutted!!!
I know it's not normal and I am way too attached but I can't help it.

My ex went off with a younger girl last year and I was devastated to the point of suicidal feelings. I clawed my way back only to see a guy for about 6 weeks who just disappeared on me! I was upset then too but right after that happened the ex got back in touch...

I was vulnerable and I let him back under my skin. We never got back together as such but he visited me loads and did odd jobs etc...said he wanted to take it all slow and prove himself to me, wanted to wait for sex. I fell for it.

He went quiet after a 5 weeks of this "friendship"...only for me to see on Instagram that he had gone back to her. He just me so so bad, no explanation and I felt completely worthless.

Fast forward a few months and I meet this new guy. Maybe I was following myself but I honestly thought he might be the one. They say when you know you just "know" and I was convinced that this is what I was feeling last week.

But now today this! I'm distraught. I know I sound so pathetic but I'm back at square one and it's so fucking hard!!

We got on so well and matched on so many things. There was a real spark. But clearly he has an attachment to her and warn as blown away by me as I was him.

I feel so low. Like I'm just not good enough. Do you think he likes me at all or I have I just been played. We never slept together but we did kiss and touch each other.

Please help. Sorry for long post.

princessmi12 Tue 21-Jun-16 12:25:57

Im not sure if you asked him when you first started chatting with him how long has he been single? Its one of most important questions to ask ,just to avoid the heartache you found yourself in.
Personally I think only good answer to that would be :single over a year.A year is the least amount of time to heal and move on and be ready for new relationship.
I don't think you been played,just his relationship with ex was not over (on emotional level) and he doesn't want it to be over.You have not bonded enough with him as yet,its only been couple of dates and they have a history of being together.
Its hard but hes not your man and you should not think of him as yours. You have not even slept together,you have no idea about his habits and what he's really like.Everyone comes across as wonderful after few weeks of knowing each other.You need to emotionally detach yourself from this situation and please don't think you are unlucky or undeserving. He is JUST A STRANGER

purpleshimmer Tue 21-Jun-16 12:43:39

Thanks for the reply

He said he has been divorced 3 years and talked about how she can be awkward about the kids etc and how she moved on to someone else quite quickly.

He also said he saw someone last year for about 6 months but not serious.

He said they have a lot of history so I'm guess g it's the ex wife? God knows.

As you say he's really only a stranger to me. We didn't sleep together but we did get intimate in other ways.

I feel like such an idiot. It's my self esteem really, never been that great and when something bashes it I fall to pieces! I will be ok though. It's just the shock and disappointment I think and the feeling of being back at square one.

princessmi12 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:08:27

Strangely I don't think its exwife he went to.Judging by the dates its a long shot,3 years apart is such long time.
I guess you cant know for sure if he's been honest with you in first place(about dates etc or even about the reason he backed off).
I guess you get involved too quickly too soon with men. Realistically thinking,how a stranger/acquaintance of couple of weeks can affect your life? Its the unfulfilled EXPECTATIONS you attach to them that get bashed .
Me personally ,I cant get emotionally attached to someone if nothing happened between us. I just see it for what it is ..nothing happened, nothing agreed and if it didn't go the way I wanted to Id think shame but his loss though. Id always think it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the person's individual circumstances, different ideas,expectations and how he sees life through his previous experiences.

adora1 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:26:14

You barely knew him so you are taking this too hard, perhaps you are not actually ready for OD because it's bloody brutal OP.

His story not that unfamiliar either, you are taking it far too personally, easy to say I know but think about it, how much did you really know each other, he has history with this ex so not that unusual they are thinking of getting back together.

And I'd not contact him again, sounds like you are trying too hard.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 21-Jun-16 15:58:28

I think you need to spend a bit more time doing your own thing - it's easy to feel like you should throw yourself back out there but it doesn't seem like you've dealt with your feelings around the original serious split - this is so important as otherwise you just carry it around with you making you super vulnerable and annoyingly more prone to being dicked around.

I say this as someone who has been massively dicked around and is now happily having a man break!


purpleshimmer Tue 21-Jun-16 16:08:53

Thanks for the replies.

I totally get what you saying and I know I sound so pathetic! I'm a really sensitive person and I have always been too trusting fit my own good. My friends will all say how much they trust me and everyone confides in me because I am so caring.

Clearly the world of OD is brutal and far too hard for me. I'm done with it now.

I know I hardly knew him and once I got to know him more he may well have turned out to be a knobhead, we're all on our best behaviour at first aren't we.

I think it's just the loss of the idea of what this COULD have been. I've been so hurt before and everyone told me you will get over it, you will meet someone gorgeous and never look back..I thought it was finally happening...silly me. I feel like a right bloody idiot but I think the tears today are more so because I feel like a bloody failure.

I'm 37 with 2 kids, an angel in heaven, a failed marriage, a long ten partner who f**ked off for a 23 year old and I just feel so god damn stuck!.

It's hard to get that freedom the sand as most single men do. When the kids go to their dads every other weekend I spent most of it just bored. I hand things to do etc but I'm past the age of going clubbing and all my friends are settled anyway, I'm like Bridget Jones getting invited to parties where it's all loved up couples. hmm

When I was 18 and heartbroken I just went round town and moved on to the next boyfriend! Now it's all tentatively trying to meet guys online, 99% of which have just been perverts!

This one was genuine and hand on heart I wish him all the best.

I thanked him for being honest rather than just blanking me and he told me to take care. That's more than I ever got from my ex of 3 years who I lost a baby with. I got zero response from him.

I guess it's not healthy of me to allow someone else's actions to affect me so deeply but it's probably because of a difficult childhood, no parents around me now and a general feeling of battling alone in the world. If just sucks sometimes.

I will just cry it out and be ok later on.

I'm convinced it's purely because I'm destined to be with Danny Dyer anyways!! wink

purpleshimmer Tue 21-Jun-16 16:10:22

Apologies for spelling mistakes! Stupid iPhone!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 21-Jun-16 16:22:42

I thanked him for being honest rather than just blanking me and he told me to take care. That's more than I ever got from my ex of 3 years who I lost a baby with. I got zero response from him.

The thing is, although he may well have been better than your ex, he was going to blank you.

I left it a few days and today sent one asking if all was ok and if he had lost his phone contacts or something....he's replied with a message telling me that an ex has been back in touch and there is a possibility of them getting back together and so he doesn't think it would be fair to continue talking to me. He added two kisses as he always does.

He didn't warn you that he was talking to his ex again, he just stopped talking to you when it got more serious. He only replied to you because you chased and you presumed that it was a technical issue rather than him blanking you, so he needed to stop you trying to contact him in other ways and upsetting the apple cart.

It will hurt, but don't put him on a pedestal. You may have found him to be genuine, and he may be a million times better than your ex or anyone else that you've met recently, but he doesn't have the markings of a good man. He's done the very bare minimum.

That's not to say that this shouldn't hurt. It will, and that's natural. Like you said, it's early days, and you don't know him that well - so you're grieving the loss of him as a potential partner, and as the person you've built up in your head. Now that it's gone, it'll hurt.

You can make it hurt a bit less by trying to accept that he didn't behave honourably here, and although you're grieving a relationship, you haven't lost anything special in him. He is completely replaceable.

Make sure the next man you date treats you well, full stop. Not in comparison to your ex - a slightly broken thing might be better than a completely broken thing, but if you were choosing a whole new thing, you wouldn't choose a broken one. Not even a slightly broken one. It's only worth the cost and effort if its exciting and shiny and new. You'll also find that properly good men make sure that they don't have feelings for their old partners. They don't have several people on the go, they don't keep back up options - so you won't find them going back to their exs, because yours will be the only romantic relationship that they are cultivating.

flowers and wine for tonight, though

princessmi12 Tue 21-Jun-16 17:23:16

But OLD is what it is, dating
There will be more than one woman they chat with and probably will be at least one they hook up for sex with
OP it would be unwise to think otherwise until you both are officially in relationship and both came off online.
Even then there are posibilities of exes to come back into their lives
So bottom line is you idealise him and situation. You really didn't loose anything
Shragg it off, smile and move on onto next POTENTIAL bf
Just don't get too serious too soon

purpleshimmer Tue 21-Jun-16 17:46:11

Thanks both of you.

Yes I guess he hasnt been too keen at coming forward with the truth. I assumed technical issues with his phone as it got water damaged last week or so I was told...probably a lie to cover himself for going silent 2 days back then...he was more than likely with her....regardless though I can only go on what he told me and the fact is for whatever reason he doesn't want to pursue me anymore.

It really hurts as I am a sensitive person and see it as some kind of failure on my part. I'm not cut out for all this.

I was married from a young age and left that marriage after it went stale and my teenage sweetheart swept back in to rescue me...look how that turned out!!

So I've never really "dated" as such before and it's so brutal isn't it. It's clearly not for me.

I'm the sort of person who if I like someone I will only talk to them only. I thought we were on the same wavelength as he told me he had deleted the app as didn't feel right talking to anyone else, I did check up on this anonymously (I know l...stalker!!) and he didn't go online. That's not to say he didn't have another account somewhere else though, I'm not that gullable.

I know I panicked Everytime he took a while to reply to a text and would think he was playing around or feeding me crap etc purely because I do not trust.

But friends kept saying not all men are bad, give him a chance and stop worrying. Now this!

I'm done with it all now. Will focus on myself and my wonderful children.

I'm too vulnerable and needy. I wish I wasn't and I guess I need to work on that. I just wish things didn't hurt like this. Far worse going on in the world so bed to put it into perspective.

Thanks for all the support ladies.

princessmi12 Tue 21-Jun-16 18:15:33

Don't say you're done with dating. .
Take your time until you feel better and try again. Just take it as it goes from now on
Work on your self esteem and happiness. Do things you love. Face loneliness by dipping into it. You might learn to love your own company and stop feeling horrible about it. No man will ever make you whole,underlying issues will have to be resolved by yourself and yourself only. Good man is just an icing on the cake of your own great life

Minime85 Tue 21-Jun-16 18:24:11

So sorry you have had a bad experience here. I think as we are older and with busy lives and kids it is harder to find a relationship as we all come with a history we didn't have maybe with our first partners. I think you need to take some time to just be happy in your own skin first but that you shouldn't write it off. Dating can be tough but there are good men out there.

ptumbi Tue 21-Jun-16 18:32:33

Hi Purple - I was on your threads (was it really a year?!) and I'm glad you have moved on.

OLD is brutal, and it is populated by many many people who want different things. You are ready and looking for a serious, long term relationship - and I think you'd fixed this on 'him'.
He isn't the 'one'. The 'one' may not be out there, just yet. Concentrating on yourself and your lovely children is probably the best way to go. They do say you find love when you least expect it! And even if you don't, you need to be comfortable with yourself first.

Do you have any hobbies? Can you fill a weekend doing stuff that you can't do in the week? I once met a boyfriend at car-maintenance evening classes (didn't last, either, but was fun!) - get out, find out what you like to do, and try different things.

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