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Is Disagreeing with him Not allowing him to have his own opinion?

(26 Posts)
MaddyHatter Tue 21-Jun-16 10:21:19

DH likes to trot this out whenever we disagree about something.

It can be anything from Politics to Raising the kids, he says something, i don't agree with him, and i will tell him... and usually tell him WHY i disagree with him.

He keeps accusing me of shutting him down and not allowing him to have his own opinion.. i always reply that He's entitled to his opinion, and i'm entitled to disagree with it. Its not shutting him down, its just that he can't come back with anything to debate, because he's got nothing, he's usually just spouting headlines from papers.

Most recently its been over this whole Brexit shit... DH is really a one issue Leave voter, we've clashed before because i happen to think his views are uneducated, narrow minded and borderline racist/xenophobic... he's like a bloody daily mail reader tbh. (i did tell him i'd disown him if he voted ukip last election)

He posted something yesterday about Jo Cox, and the source website was quite frankly, clearly dodgy and clearly people who would only see one side of something that supported their agenda.

So last night while discussing the article he shared he looked at me and said "I hate it when you do this, you're shutting me down, i'm not allowed an opinion"

Again i replied ' you are, i'm just entitled to not to agree with it and to tell you why"

Am i shutting him down, or should i just let him get on with believing his tabloid propaganda?

ElspethFlashman Tue 21-Jun-16 10:23:37

To be honest, it sounds like you have a certain relish in disagreeing with him. You're up for a debate and you're confident he's wrong.

That's a very different tone than just mildly saying "we'll have to agree to disagree on that one".

Neatfreak38 Tue 21-Jun-16 10:25:52

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. If we all thought the same we would be like robots! My ex was a bit like this, it's total stubbornness because they want everyone to think like they do!

ravenmum Tue 21-Jun-16 10:29:00

Are you telling him why you disagree with him or are you telling him why he is wrong?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Tue 21-Jun-16 10:30:59

i try to keep uneducated, narrow minded and borderline racist/xenophobic... daily mail readers off my facebook page never mind marrying them!

Is that really what you think of your husband?

MaddyHatter Tue 21-Jun-16 10:49:46

raven, definitely why i disagree with him, but its hard to do that without a little bit of why i think he's wrong!

Ton - he didn't used to be, but the last couple of years his views have narrowed somewhat for whatever reason.

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Jun-16 11:04:51

From your post OP, although probably not the case, it could be perceived that you enjoy doing this to him.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 21-Jun-16 11:07:44

No - it sounds quite the opposite, that he's trying to stop you from expressing any of your opinions. He's trying to shut you down.

Disagreeing with someone is not denying them their right to their opinion. It sounds like he's quite controlling.

KatieKaboom Tue 21-Jun-16 11:12:10

You sound like hard work.

CommonBurdock Tue 21-Jun-16 11:16:48

Why should he debate? He doesn't have to prove anything to you, nor is it pleasant to have other people's conflicting views in your face the whole time. He's voting leave, you're voting remain. So what?

ArcheryAnnie Tue 21-Jun-16 11:24:53

Why should the OP shut up about her opinions, Common, if her DH is so free with his?

Tumtitum Tue 21-Jun-16 11:31:34

Oh my God my DH says exactly the same thing! Says I don't let him have his opinions and don't like being disagreed with (all the while being very cross because I have disagreed with him!!). Once he's stopped being angry he goes back on it, but can't see how hypocritical he is being!!!

Yoksha Tue 21-Jun-16 11:32:55

OP I am like your husband in part. I don't read the DM tho'. My Dh responds & behaves exactly like you in attitude. It's not a criticism, but interesting to view the dynamics. I think my problem is I just struggle to express further, but I am a work in progress.

His default setting is go & educate yourself, then come back & behave like an adult. I have steam coming out my ears at this. I go away, research, discuss. His response is " now that wasn't too difficult, was it " ? I'm resigned to forever educating myself & being logical & factual if nothing else. Aaaarrrggghhh!

LilacInn Tue 21-Jun-16 11:34:00

If someone is spouting falsehoods to justify a political stance, I have no problem with pointing out that thay are misinformed.

Everyone is entitled to a properly informed opinion but those who are making a serious decision based on raw emotion and biased propoganda deserve to be called out.

YokoUhOh Tue 21-Jun-16 11:40:52

You're both stating your opinions, and you're both entitled to different ones, so DH is BU. Shutting him down would be asking him not to state his opinion.

My DH does something subtly different. I'll say 'I'm cold' and he'll say 'it's not cold, put a jumper on'. This is a lack of empathy, not a difference of opinion, and it drives me nuts.

MaddyHatter Tue 21-Jun-16 11:43:24

Yorksha, i don't do that, your DH is being quite condescending.

I will simply explain why i disagree, what i feel is wrong with his opinion, and then leave it, if he comes back, we'll discuss it again.

As it is, he's slowly reading more of the things i'm sharing, listening to what i have to say and last night after this, admitted his leave stance is wavering because of the point i and other people have made.

Its just i hate this idea that i'm not allowing him his opinion, i've never told him he CANT believe something, its his life, his beliefs, his choices, i just don't see why i shouldn't say why i disagree with them!

TimeforaNNChange Tue 21-Jun-16 12:14:46

It depends on the dynamic of your relationship. I'm a debater. As I've got older, I've realised that I learn and understand more by debating my opinions with people who disagree with me.

My exH (note the ex) isn't. He was (and still is) uncomfortable with the concept that he doesn't share the opinions and values of the people he loves. In his case, it's partly confidence - he needs validation by others of his own opinions, and sees agreement as a reflection of the strength of the relationship (modelled by his parents). It's causing problems now DD ( also a debater) is getting older.

My DH and I debate endlessly. We often disagree on something and will discuss, debate, and talk about it for hours. We love it. Sometimes, one of us will sway other with our POV, but often, we hear what the other is saying but don't agree. And that's ok. We understand our own values far better as a result. We still love each other and respect each other, even though we don't share the same opinions.

CommonBurdock Tue 21-Jun-16 12:16:58

Nobody's suggesting for a minute that OP should "shut up" about her opinions Archery. Just no point flogging a dead horse. Put your POV and let him work things out for himself.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 21-Jun-16 12:21:27

But they are, Common. Her DH is, by saying that her expressing her opinions is trying to "shut him down". You are, too, by saying that her giving her opinion (when the DH seems very free to give his own) is making him "debate", and "nor is it pleasant to have other people's conflicting views in your face the whole time", which why it would apply to the OPs opinions and not her DH's, I cannot understand.

The OP is putting her point of view, and her DH is trying to guilt her into shutting up. That's not on.

TimeforaNNChange Tue 21-Jun-16 12:26:54

It's perfectly fine not to share opposing POV if both parties agree to it.

My ex PIL, who I referred to in my last post, have spent all of their married life like that. My exMIL never expresses an opinion in the presence of exFIL. She will agree with him, or stay silent. When he's not there, she happily discusses her opinion on current affairs, holiday destinations, politics etc. And they are often I contrast to exFILs. So much so, that DD has noticed the difference in her grandmothers behaviour when grandad is there.
ExMIL has the opportunity to disagree with exFIL, but chooses not to. And there's nothing wrong with that.

CoolforKittyCats Tue 21-Jun-16 12:40:43

Maybe it'seems the way you are discussing it in that if he feels like he is being spoken at rather than a discussion. Which can be easy to do especially if you are passionate about something.

Thing is he can vote whichever he wants.

He can tell you one thing or agree with you if he is feeling pressured and do what he actually wants in the booth. Unless you pressure him into telling you how he has voted then you won't ever know.

That's also why I don't agree with the * if you vote UKIP I'll disown you* line.

You may absolutely disagree with his choices but they are just that his choices.

CommonBurdock Tue 21-Jun-16 12:43:26

Ok Archery I fully respect your views on the subject, and your right to post about them at length. But I completely disagree with them, which is within my rights to do, and will now be flouncing from this thread in a slightly PA manner and refusing to engage any further in what, in my view, is an utterly pointless discussion.

May the OP and her DH find a way to engage in fulfilling and mutually enriching political debate prior to this Thursday's referendum so that marital rifts do not occur at the polling station.

EssentialHummus Tue 21-Jun-16 12:46:34

Mine does this (not on brexit, luckily). I'm an enthusiastic debater, he avoids conflict and is trying to keep up with me in his second language. I've learnt not to interrupt (shouldn't have been doing it anyway), and to think carefully before getting het up and loud about every small thing. He's learnt that it's not the end of the world if we disagree.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 21-Jun-16 12:56:45

Common I salute your openness about your position! (May we meet in more harmony on other threads.)

TheStoic Tue 21-Jun-16 13:29:30

I would absolutely loath this dynamic. From either perspective.

I like a good discussion of differing viewpoints, but if they were so different that they bordered on racist and uneducated...what would be the point? I'd rather talk to anyone someone else.

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