Has anyone managed to.....

[Flyingdoggles]

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

[Isetan]

You need to change your mindset, he doesn't get to do fuck all and veto the comprimise to him doing fuck all. Housework is a joint responsibility and if he wants to to opt out of that responsibility, he doesn't get a vote on wether to hire a cleaner.

Don't delegate the responsibility of changing the status quo to the beneficiary of the status quo. However, I really doubt that this exhibition of selfishness and entitlement is restricted to only this part of your relationship.

[Flyingdoggles]

He seems to think he does do stuff round the house (he does occasionally but being realistic if he wasn't around then I wouldn't end up doing more than I do now!)

He can veto it in a way as otherwise I end up paying for a cleaner and he doesn't

[iseenodust]

How is the wider picture? Does he do more in the garden? Could you both do bathroom/windows/bedding change on Sunday mornings? Not saying let him off on week nights just break him into the habit of doing things at the same time, as 'relaxing' when you're doing chores is not fair.

[Flyingdoggles]

This year he's cut the grass 3 times, I've done it once and that's all the gardening we've done

I have tried, if he doesn't fancy doing it at the time I am he will say he will do it later - which I don't object to, I know I like to get my chores done then relax and he's the opposite. The problem being he will often forget, or say he will do it another day which never comes.

He works so hard at work so I don't really understand why he's so lazy at home

[adora1]

He is a disgrace, get the bloody cleaner, tough if he doesn't like it, I'd not be able to live with anyone that had his attitude.

[adora1]

He's lazy cos he doesn't care and knows you will do it.

[Flyingdoggles]

But if he doesn't like it i end up paying for it so I lose out still

[adora1]

Sorry OP but I think you've been far too soft on him, you lay down the law now or else nothing will change, it will just carry on whilst you simmer with rage, you can take control you know and tell him you are not prepared to do this anymore.

It's him not giving a fuck I'm afraid.

[Flyingdoggles]

I believe he does care, I think he doesnt associate him not doing a chore with me having to.....or sometimes maybe doesn't even recognise they need doing

I plan to talk to him about it tonight

[adora1]

If he cared, he would help, he would do something, not 1%.

[Mishaps]

In our house it is the person with the lowest filth threshold who does the housework - I am happy to say that my threshold is very high!

[CharlotteCollins]

It is not just housework that is a problem, it is also decision-making. Sounds like he's not willing to hear your point of view.

[Flyingdoggles]

See i do have a relatively normal filth threshold, maybe his is higher....

He listens and says he doesn't want to pay someone to do something we can do

[Baconyum]

WAY too soft! Have you dc? If not do not have any until this is sorted. Did he live alone before you moved in together? (Uni doesn't count) or lived at home with a mother who did everything? (I'm guessing the latter!)

He is LAZY he fully expects you to do it is paying mere lip service to doing anything himself.

He puts up or gets out! (Although putting up can include 50% toward a cleaner)

A lot of men are lazy, few are THIS lazy!

[Flyingdoggles]

No dc

Hes lived with parents and housemates but never alone.

I dont know how to explain he's not doing enough without just listing all the stuff I've done lately

[adora1]

You will never reach an agreement whilst you continue to makes excuses for him, he's an adult OP, he is fully aware of what is involved in running a home.

You call 1% not doing enough, I call it a fricken joke.

[Flyingdoggles]

It is a joke and it will break us up if it's not sorted

That's why I want to fix it

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I am good at this.

He has to have jobs that are his and his alone and you never ever do them no matter what.

All laundry is a good one. Never touch a dirty sock, washing basket, peg or washing machine again.

All dish cleaning too. If it involves lifting a dirty dish, it is his job. If it involves putting clean dishes away, it is his job.

This will piss him off. It is a much much worse deal for him. He will likely try many tactics to get you to take the jobs back.

Expect: leaving you with no pants, shrinking or discolouring something, making things massively crumpled, lots and lots and lots of huffing and puffing, "forgetting", questions about how do you do ThingThatIsObviousIfYouThinkAboutIt.

The first 3 months will be the hardest. You will need to have ovaries of steel, a secret supply of spare pants and the nerve to wear a stained crumpled top to work after eating your dinner off a napkin while trying not to comment on the mouldy bowls.

There are rules:
You never ever remind him about his job.
You never ever criticise how he did the job.
You do not thank him for doing his job.
You assume he will do the job.
You offer no advice or tips (even if asked at first "you'll work it out"
Absolutely no "rescuing"

In summary, you treat his job like him going to the toilet. No reminders, no checking, no bum wiping tips, and no holding his willy for him.

[Flyingdoggles]

Wow rabbit that sounds tough.....does it even work?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

By the way, you don't ask him to take these jobs on. You tell him you are sick of it so these are his jobs now and you are never doing them again. That is then the end of the conversation. No deep heart to hearts, no negotiations, no threats, no details, no anger, no lectures, no smugness. Simply I'm done, these are your jobs now, let's watch TV. Then steel ovaries. Tattoo the rules on you arm if you have to.

[Flyingdoggles]

I think that would cause a major row, he is funny about how he's spoken to

[adora1]

I rest my case.

[CharlotteCollins]

That's another problem in your relationship then...

Rows only happen if you argue back. Run Rabbit was very clear on that point. I like her advice but I like not living with a man child more!

[PuellaEstCornelia]

What Rabbit said. And I,understand he doesn't like paying someone to do thing he can do, but he's not doing it . So you have to. Without getting paid.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Yes it works. It will be bloody hard for you though because he is used to ignoring you and you are used to being his mum.

It occurred to me that if you kept a diary of your "experiment" for a year, you could probably get it published afterwards and become a multimillionaire.