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Telling someone their partner has cheated

(132 Posts)
User999966666 Tue 21-Jun-16 07:39:56

I need to tell someone their partner has cheated. The only way I can do this is via Facebook. I have screenshots of messages and sexting. I just don't know how to construct a message, I want this person to see who this man truly is. Any help on how to write this? Tia

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Jun-16 07:50:53

Were they cheating with you then & what's your agenda with this? I think the context of this dictates what you put in the message

User999966666 Tue 21-Jun-16 07:53:52

Yes they cheated with me, full sex no protection . My agenda is to expose, as I said.

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Jun-16 07:59:46

I wouldn't do it then

bakeoffcake Tue 21-Jun-16 08:03:08

I'd want to m is if this were my H. So send a private message explaining what happened and then apologise for shagging her H.

bakeoffcake Tue 21-Jun-16 08:03:35

*want to know

WellErrr Tue 21-Jun-16 08:05:04

Did you know they were in a relationship?

User999966666 Tue 21-Jun-16 08:06:49

No.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 21-Jun-16 08:08:05

So you've already fucked her husband, now you want to blow her world apart by telling her complete with juicy details.

No. Just no.

TheStoic Tue 21-Jun-16 08:08:52

"I'm very sorry to tell you that your partner has cheated on you. I understand you probably won't believe a stranger, so I have evidence if you would like to see it."

Then only contact her again if she specifically asks you to.

Trills Tue 21-Jun-16 08:14:30

Do you have any friends in common?

If you have none at all then she may never receive the message - it'll go into the "Other" folder and she will not be notified about it.

If you do have a friend in common, or are a member of the same group, she may get a "message request", which will say that you want to send her a message. She then may accept it or may not.

Trills Tue 21-Jun-16 08:15:42

Start by apologising. Even though technically if you didn't know he was married then you did nothing wrong, apologise anyway.

Make it clear that you didn't know.

You want her to know but you also want to protect yourself because you've been hurt too here.

WellErrr Tue 21-Jun-16 08:16:25

This happened to me and I was absolutely devastated to have unknowingly done such a thing to another woman. I'd known him a while and he told me they'd broke up ages ago. Turned out they were very much together.

He begged me not to tell her and although I ignored all his messages, I didnt tell her. I couldn't think of a way of doing it without feeling like I was gloating. Also I kind of knew her (met years before) but not really.

She got wind of it after a few months and asked me outright. I was totally honest with her and apologised profusely but obviously she was extremely pissed off. She said she didn't blame me but also 'couldn't fucking look at me so could I please fuck off' etc. Understandable.

They're married now.

It wasn't my fault at all but I still feel awful about it and I wish I'd found a way to tell her straight away.

I certainly wouldn't send the setting stuff though OP unless she specifically asks - she doesn't need to know all the gory details.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Tue 21-Jun-16 08:19:21

Don't send the screenshots unless she asks for it, it will be upsetting enough as it is.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 21-Jun-16 08:19:29

While you're about it, don't forget to go and have a test for STIs seeing as you were stupid enough to engage in unprotected sex with someone you barely knew

User999966666 Tue 21-Jun-16 08:23:32

We have a friend in common. Him.

TheGirlWhoWasntThere Tue 21-Jun-16 08:28:12

Are they married?
Do they have children?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 21-Jun-16 08:33:24

Sorry, I must have misread.

The chap you fucked is a mutual friend of your's and his partner but you didn't know he wasn't her partner???

How does that work out?

EverFallenInLoveWithSomeone Tue 21-Jun-16 08:36:40

I would always want to be told.

DM stating facts and apologising and saying I have proof if required. I wouldn't just send, or want to receive screenshots, the shock would be too great.

When my exh had an affair with a work colleague, no one told me. I knew 2 of his colleagues independently of him but not well. I think they were both relieved when I found out.

I didn't hold it against them, it would have made life difficult for them at work and he was senior to them, but I wished they'd told me and I think they wished they could.

Ignorance is not bliss.

scarlets Tue 21-Jun-16 08:39:35

She should know, so that she can make informed choices about her future. She may think that your communication is a malicious hoax, so maybe accompany your initial message with just one of the screenshots so at least she knows you're not a fantasist.

Sorry that this has happened to you.

TheStoic Tue 21-Jun-16 08:41:26

How does that work out?

He knows both women. They don't know each other.

wonderingsoul Tue 21-Jun-16 08:42:08

I dont get this what your motive is crap. By not telling your enabaling to continue to cheat.
So what if you want revenge in him... it doesnt make the parnters need to know any less

I would send a message saying your sorry but your do cheated on you with me. I didnt know you where together, i have prove if you need it. I am truely sorry.

Then leave it her court.

DietTissues Tue 21-Jun-16 08:42:13

This all sounds a bit bitter to be honest, what do you hope to achieve by telling her? Are you expecting her to leave him to be with you or do you feel some sort of 'loyalty' to someone you barely know?

I don't understand how you could be FB friends with him but not know he had a partner who was also FB friends with him.

To be honest it just sounds like you are pissed off and just want to hurt them both.

shovetheholly Tue 21-Jun-16 08:42:15

Woah! People! The OP didn't know this guy was in a relationship - she's a victim of his philandering too. His poor partner. sad

I would want to know if I were in her shoes.

I would say something like.

'Hi X. You don't know me, and I'm so sorry to be introduced to you under these circumstances. I am afraid that I am the bearer of very black news. I met your partner, X, on a night out recently. He told me that he was single, and I believed him. We ended up spending a lot of time together, and started a relationship. We had sex several times.

It was only recently I found out that he had lied, that he was actually attached and had a partner. Of course, I broke the relationship off immediately. I feel terrible - I am not the kind of person to have affairs with attached men! I am so angry with him for having deceived me this way, and deeply upset on your behalf as well.

I have been agonising over whether to contact you and tell you about this. In the end, I decided that I would want to know. I hope I have made the right decision.

I have screenshots and sexts to prove what I'm alleging here, if you feel that this would be helpful. I completely understand if you don't want to see or hear from me ever again - but I am also willing to meet up over a coffee if it would be in anyway useful or helpful.

I'm so sorry that this has happened. I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through. I would never, ever have become involved with him had I known. I realise that my pain in losing what I thought was a lovely, romantic relationship is nothing compared to yours at learning this about your partner.

User999966666 Tue 21-Jun-16 08:45:46

They aren't married no children.

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