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Bit of man advice - do you think he might call?

(33 Posts)
pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 22:44:35

I met someone online when I was just coming out of a really bad place in my life.

I had left a very abusive relationship a few years ago with someone who was lovely at first and then just completely broke me down and the next few relationships I had were disasters. Just with the wrong men who were hot and cold or liars or even if they were nice I just didn't feel any love in return. I was in a bad place emotionally and wasn't taking care of myself. I had put on weight, was avoiding the basics of self care like the dentist or shaving my legs or even keeping my work /home /finances in order. The best way to describe how I was feeling was that I just did not really care about myself or feel a sense of positivity at all towards myself.

Then I met this someone and we never had a relationship but we talked a lot and I think I was avoiding the actual dating part but I did really like him and I know he really liked me too.

The timing was really bad for both of us due to all sorts of things which overshadowed the possibility of a relationship and we sort of missed out moment a bit.

I've noticed that since he came along I started to look after myself. Eating properly, sorting my finances out, working much better and just generally he left such a positive influence on my life and in a way he really helped to heal me because he was such a fantastic person and made me feel really good about who I was and I can't help really missing him and wondering "what if?"

It's now been a couple of months since we saw each other but I was wondering if he felt the same way that he would call me?

I can't help feeling a bit like I let something pass me by, but it was not entirely my fault alone as neither one of us was ready or in the right place to give something proper to a relationship at the time and I think i knew if we started it was going to be for the long haul and so it just ended up not going ahead.

Do men get in touch with women they find hard to forget? I know I am finding him hard to forget and I can't help but feel such a sense of happiness and healing for the impact he had on me and i do still fancy the pants off him and know he feels the same.

I am not sure if I am being a fool though and if he would not have let me get away in the first place if he did feel the same.

AddToBasket Mon 20-Jun-16 22:46:52

Why haven't you called him?

Summerlovinf Mon 20-Jun-16 22:50:22

I don't think there's much/any chance that he will call. If you go back on OLD you might bump into him again - that sometimes happens. Or find someone new now you're ready to date.

pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 22:50:26

Well, I feel a little like the ball was left in his court.

daisychain01 Mon 20-Jun-16 22:52:47

I'd stop worrying about whose ball is in whose court and give him a call !

Summerlovinf Mon 20-Jun-16 22:52:59

If the ball was in his court and he didn't call, that's because he's didn't want to. However, that might be because he picked up from you that you were not really ready for a relationship at that time. My previous advice stands - look out for him on the dating site..but more importantly look for others to date.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 20-Jun-16 22:54:28

Do men get in touch with women they find hard to forget?

Generally, yes.

Not everyone you feel chemistry with is going to feel the same way.
Not everyone who does fancy you is going to want a relationship with you.

I think you need to work on accepting that, and also making sure that you don't take it as a reflection on you. It's not. People choose to pass up relationship opportunities for their own reasons.

Plus you say several times that he's "not in a good place", which is a huge sign to steer clear. Don't get involved in something messy that's going to fuck with your emotions and your stability again. Just don't. Please?

pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 22:55:48

I do actually have a date with someone else this weekend, so I am moving on and all, I just feel we have both missed out.

I don't feel right calling him. I might be a coward but I suppose I was wondering if it was a case of "if he misses you he will call"

Summerlovinf Mon 20-Jun-16 22:56:17

Admittedly I'm a woman, but I'd find it pretty weird if someone I'd met from a dating site phoned me months after I'd been on a date with them.

Thisisnow16 Mon 20-Jun-16 22:58:19

Sadly and generally men move on much quicker.

pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 22:59:18

We never had a date at all. I put it off quite a few times as I just felt there was something special about this one and I can't explain why but it scared me at the time.

He very much wanted a date, but as I said there was a lot going on around him (court case - not criminal but stressful) and change of job and all sorts and my life was similar.

He did say at the time he felt the same chemistry and wanted a relationship with me and my gut feeling was very much that the feelings were mutual but obviously he might have just moved on and forgotten all about me and I might be being very silly here.

AddToBasket Mon 20-Jun-16 23:01:10

I think you stand no chance in the world of dating if you expect it on a plate. Why are you spending your time building a fantasy rather than finding out about the reality of the guy?

Message him again, ask him to meet for coffee. You'll get your answer. If you haven't got the stomach for doing that then dating is going to be difficult for you. Sorry, but you'll need to do some work here.

Thisisnow16 Mon 20-Jun-16 23:03:43

I would forget him, men move on so quick he's probably married with 3 kids by now. But seriously just date other people and see how you get on. Wishing you the best of luck with it.

pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 23:06:15

Thanks, sorry this was only a few months ago and I know he is not seeing anyone else as we keep slightly in contact. Text once in a while so not as if we completely never speak.

I am not usually so subdued with dating, I do date people normally, I am not sure why but this one makes me feel shy and a bit afraid to hang myself our there.

I suppose i was looking for a bit of reassurance that he will say something if he feels the same to get me off the hook!

chocshortbread Mon 20-Jun-16 23:06:31

Nothing to lose by you making a move here I reckon - why not just text and say hi how's it all going now for you? Just start up some friendly chat see where it's at.

hownottofuckup Mon 20-Jun-16 23:08:07

Have you got any means of getting back in touch with him? I think you should. There's no point living with 'what if's' if you don't have to

pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 23:16:40

We sent messages a few weeks ago. They tend to be very sweet affectionate messages. He tells me how lovely I am and how he thinks of me often and all of that but I do feel the timing is still not quite right from his side.

I think he might be a little depressed even due to all the stress that has been going on and he is not his usual self. His life has been turned upside down and I think he does not feel in the best place to offer what he feels I need. Perhaps that's why I don't feel like grabbing the bull by the horns because I deep down sense the timing that was off before is still off now.

I think the way we ended things was to say the timing right now was not right so I was really just hoping that if and when that changed he might ask me for dinner or something.

I am not putting my entire life on hold for a fantasy or anything, but he just always creeps into my mind and it's such a warm feeling.

Oddsocksgalore Mon 20-Jun-16 23:31:08

I once texted someone that I had a thing with, thought that was it. Anyway, a few texts went back and forth but he was out of the country at the time so I didn't want to bother him.

A couple of days later he got off his flight and knocked on my door at one in the morning with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.

That was two yrs ago this Sept.

Right now he's sat across from me munching chicken and potatoes driving me mental trying to show me funny you tube videos while I try and mumsnet.

Take a chance op and make the call.

pinewoodderby Mon 20-Jun-16 23:34:48

Thank you oddsocks. That's such a lovely story.

I probably should say something really. It makes me feel a bit nauseous with worry but I know I have nothing to lose.

I do feel I should give him a little space until things are a bit more settled, perhaps a month or so and then if I haven't heard from him I will try and pluck up the courage to just say something.

slowandfrumpy Mon 20-Jun-16 23:34:49

No one knows the answer to your question.
Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he's ready now, maybe he's not. But surely if you ask him
For a drink and just ask him how he feels you are no way worse off than you are now. I am prone to getting caught up in fantasy what ifs and I think it's a good idea to face them see if anything is there and if yes yay and if not move on without your gaze being yanked backwards.

AddToBasket Tue 21-Jun-16 18:44:42

If you leave it for a month you are just wasting a month.

Bant Tue 21-Jun-16 18:54:52

I was doing online dating a couple of years ago, and had two dates with a woman who was slightly mad but lovely, we had lots of messages back and forth, met up twice, nothing physical but dinner and drinks and lots of talking, and then she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship after the second date, so I was a bit hurt but got on with life.

Then about 6 months later, she contacted me out of the blue and asked if another date was possible, she'd done a lot of thinking and had kicked herself that she'd run away from something. So we had a third date and we're still together over a year later.

I wouldn't have called her, it would have felt like pestering. She plucked up the courage to ask me out, and now we're in love.

I'd say ask him out, you have absolutely nothing to lose but a bit of pride.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Tue 21-Jun-16 18:56:31

Too much navel gazing, not enough phoning.

Desmondo2016 Tue 21-Jun-16 19:00:58

Please contact him. If you don't ask you won't know smile

LineyReborn Tue 21-Jun-16 19:04:36

Have you actually met him?

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