Post abuse help. Normal reaction?

[SmallestActOfLove]

got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago. It predominantly involved suicide threats by him, shouting, swearing, and ended with him holding me in a room with a knife screaming at me to watch him kill himself. Somehow I got me and ds out before we got hurt (he never hurt himself either). I feel like I'm becoming more scared the longer time goes on. I don't know if it's the realisation that he might be a psychopath and genuine concern in my head, or if I'm overthinking things.

I was told by the police I was lucky to get out, that he could have killed me and I did really well to talk and calm him down to be able to get out. That comment will stay with me forever, I thought my ex loved me and I still can't believe I was being abused would never imagine he would hurt me.
5 months on I want to move on with my life but something holds me back. Like I can't be happy ever again. And that's sad, I want the best for me and ds I want to create a happy life for him he's only 10months.

I'm more scared that I don't know who my ex is, I don't know if I should be scared, I don't know what he's capable of well I do after the last incident, and I'm scared that I could be seriously injured by this man if he wanted to. That one day he could. That fear is stopping me from moving on.

I feel like I'm in shock, really delayed shock. I never saw it as abuse and now I look back and see how it was. I feel like I see it everywhere programmes on abuse, abuse advertisements, helplines, and feel like I can't get away from it, it's become a horrible, uncertain life. I sometimes feel like stop it you're overreacting, and I've gone completely the opposite way from being there wanting to help him making excuses for him, to now wanting to get away from him completely, being scared he could hurt me or ds because he's unpredictable, but I can't get away because we have ds. My family take ds to see him once a week and supervise at a public place, it confuses me more because social services wanted me to arrange for him to see ds still, they were adamant about me not going back but didn't seem concerned about ds being with him unsupervised because he hadn't hurt ds directly, I don't have to allow that unless it goes to court but I feel so conflicted. I want the best for ds and that's why I make sure ds still sees his dad so he can make his own mind up, but part of me feels like he shouldn't be around a man like that. I'm protecting ds in making sure my family supervise my ex but I don't know what to do to move on when we share a child

[GinAndSonic]

Have you sought support for yourself? I did a course for survivors and victims of domestic abuse and it really helped. It was like the freedom programme but more in depth, and covered stiff about self esteem and a healthy relationship with yourself, trusting yourself etc. I experienced the same thing, feeling more afraid and unsteady as time went on after I left, but the old saying about "if you are going through hell, keep going" is true, and I have come out of the other side a confident, happy, strong woman. It's been 2 1/2 years since I left and I'm so pleased I kept going. It gets better.
My ex now has unsupervised access but for a while he seemed pretty unstable and I didn't allow it then. If your instincts are for him to see the dc with supervision, then keep with that.

[SmallestActOfLove]

I was referred to freedom programme by social services but they closed the case over a month ago and I've heard nothing about the programme since. I've been having cbt for a couple of months but haven't found it's helped. How did you find the course you're referring too? It sounds like something that would help a lot. Thank you for your advice, it's good to hear people coming out the other side happier and more positive people

[GinAndSonic]

The course I did was developed and delivered by a local organisation. If by any chance you are in the north east, I can give you the details. It was an outstanding programme. I found it becuase either was aware of a local women's centre, and I looked up their website and found the have a DV service there. I rang up and spoke to them and they told me about the course. I did it twice, they referred me to rape crisis for counselling and I went on to do a couple of other courses in the women's centre, one specifically on raising self esteem and a follow on course around getting into work. I still go to their free breakfast group each week and they have asked me to train to be a DV peer educator. I've come alone way from the woman who shuffled in, head down, and cried if anyone tried to talk to me. Maybe you could see if there are any women's centres near you? Feel free to PM me. It gets better