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I have a girl crush that is starting to be a bit of an obsession

(160 Posts)
whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 12:36:02

I fancy a new female friend, a lot. We have started spending time together along with my DH and other friends (in a group) and the more time we spend together the more I like her. She has had long term relationships with men but I have herd from others that she had a long term relationship with a woman in her 20s.

My DH jokes that she 'fancies' me but if anything it's the other way around. DH and I are very open with each other and I've told him that I 'like' her. I don't think he would mind if i wanted to explore that side of my sexuality but I didn't even know it existed! I have never had feelings for a woman before, no experimenting when I was a teenager etc so I don't know where this has came from.

I actually dreamt about her last night blush what is happening to me?

Not even sure what I am asking. Would I be mad to let things develop (we are becoming close, texting most days meeting up etc) and there is something between us. When the wine flows things become a bit weird.

Any wise mumsnetters out there with any advice? Or been in a similar situation?

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks if you got this far.

CaoNiMao Mon 20-Jun-16 12:52:51

Dangerous ground, in my opinion (and experience).

In calling it a 'girl crush' you run the risk of minimising it. It is a crush, and it's on someone who isn't your DH. Whether he would be keen for you to explore this side of your sexuality or not, you really could be opening a can of worms.

Would you be ok if, for example, further down the line he wanted to explore his sexuality with other women? Or men?

PickledCauliflower Mon 20-Jun-16 12:54:25

Do you and your husband have an open relationship?
Have either of you had relationships with others while married and this has worked?

If not, I would suggest that you step away - or think about how you would feel if your husband was in your position with another woman.

He may find the idea titilating but what about the reality?
If you continue flirting with this woman it may develop in to a relationship. Would he be ok with you being in love with her?

It sounds potentially messy to me.

proseccowithastraw Mon 20-Jun-16 13:19:20

Be very careful.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that just because you're crushing on another woman, that it's ok to cross the line. There's clearly something already going on, but if you do cross the line, what is it that you see happening afterwards? A fwb? A one off? Or could you envisage a relationship with this woman? Are you happy with your dh?

I am speaking from experience and whereas my story has a happy ending (am now happily engaged to a woman) I realise now that I was very naive to think I could detach myself emotionally because I was with a woman, because I assumed I was straight. You hear time and time again of "straight" women falling for other women and the feelings are often completely unexpected and intense, as were mine.

My advice would be, if you're happy with your dh, don't go there. Pass or no pass. You'll only get a pass because your dh will assume that it would be purely sex, but if you're already feeling a strong connection and pull to this woman, there's a good chance that after things get sexual, you might find yourself feeling very confused.

FellOutOfBed2wice Mon 20-Jun-16 13:29:07

If this was a man you'd be contemplating an affair. It's no different just because it's a woman. If you value your marriage, run like the wind.

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Jun-16 13:33:39

I agree that if you have an open relationship, then go for it. If you don't, take gender out of it, you are contemplating an affair

maxeffort0satisfaction Mon 20-Jun-16 13:34:37


whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 14:15:53

Haha max the thought has crossed my mind grin

Seriously tho, I understand that if you took gender out of it it's an affair (although with possible consent from DH). I do think.I would have a problem with DH and another woman, but not a man, which seems strange even to me but that's how I feel.

I have never been in an open relationship (never wanted to be) but at the moment of I'm honest I really want to be. I know I should run like the wind but I don't want to. Might have a chat with DH. He knows from prior conversations that I like her and has said things along the lines of 'oh I'll leave you two alone for a bit' and 'oh is that your mate' when I get a text etc. With a but of a nudge nudge wink wink attitude iyswim.

I'm confused. Thanks for the input. I'll reply better after work.

HuskyLover1 Mon 20-Jun-16 14:19:49

So you aren't gay, but you fancy a woman....and you wouldn't mind if the man you married had sex with a guy? I'm certainly confused, no wonder you are. Sorry, not helpful, but I think you ought to take a huge step back here. You are contemplating cheating. If you are prepared to lose your marriage, dad on, but otherwise, just don't take it any further.

whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 14:22:40

Thanks Husky! Maybe that's what I need to hear. I am very confused, I am a straightforward person usually and this has knocked me for 6.

whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 14:52:10

Prosecco - good to hear your story worked out in the end. I'm sure it was a very difficult time for you. To be honest that's what scares me the most, having feelings for not my DH. The sex thing I can separate (have had fwb, ons etc before marriage and I still see a few of these people socially and it hasn't changed anything, it was just sex) but the amount of emotion im feeling for this person is troubling me. I can't stop thinking about her. What I'm earth is going on!

I'm seeing her tonight and I know I shouldn't while my heads a mess but I really really want to.

DaveCamoron Mon 20-Jun-16 14:58:07

I'm pretty sure that you run the risk of losing your marriage if you carrying on going the way you are, do not meet her.

VestalVirgin Mon 20-Jun-16 15:23:03

Have you thought about that woman and how she will feel if you pursue a relationship with her, and then return to your husband?

You should tread very carefully here. Your feelings or those of your husband are not the only feelings that can be hurt.

HarmlessChap Mon 20-Jun-16 15:26:21

Unless your husband is a willing cuckold then I suspect it will cause problems in the long run.

whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 15:32:15

Vestal - thanks for your thoughts. Yes I have thought about that. She's a sensible sort I doubt she would touch me with a barge pole if I'm honest. She knows my DH too. It's just me with stupid thoughts I'm sure, I think she maybe likes me a bit but nowhere near enough to get involved in anything messy.

I have to meet her tonight it's been arranged for ages but its not just the 2 I us so that's good.

whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 15:43:39

What's a cuckold? (Should I Google?)

HarmlessChap Mon 20-Jun-16 16:21:43

A cuckold is the husband of an adulterous wife, a willing cuckold would generally be one who knows about it but remains monogamous while his wife plays around.

whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 16:42:43

Thanks harmless. That's not a million miles away from what DH has spoken about in previous conversations. Usually these are before/after sex. He talks about it like he would accept it (and get pleasure from it) but that's just fantasy chat I suppose.

HarmlessChap Mon 20-Jun-16 16:59:24

Does he show an interest in BDSM or swinging?

It can be a trait of a submissive male who wants to feel feels owned or humiliated by a dominant female. Apparently some men get off on it, some would want to watch but not participate not in a voyeuristic way but kind of having their nose rubbed in it.

Not my kind of thing.

whatnoww Mon 20-Jun-16 17:47:10

We have done the tying up etc and he likes that. Spanking and stuff, this thread is taking a weird path, I didn't envison typing that when I started it!

It's definatly his fantasy but reality? I'm not sure.

Looks like I have more to think about than I originally thought.

WomanActually Mon 20-Jun-16 20:29:57

If you don't feel ok about your dh being with another woman a threesome probably wouldn't be a good idea.

If you have feelings for both of them, watching them be intimate together could be difficult for you.
If dh focuses on her too much, would you get jealous?
Does dh realise just how strong your feelings for her are? That it's more than a sexual attraction? Would he still be so keen for you to start something sexual with her then?

It sounds like your dh is coming at it from a purely physical point of view, and is turned on by idea of two women together, his sexual fantasy needs separating from your confusion at what you're feeling, if that makes sense? Would he be happy for you still explore what you are feeling if there was no sexual pleasure in it for him also?

You have feelings for her, starting something sexual with her (with or without your dh) could make those feelings stronger? What if you find you prefer being with her, not just sexually but emotionally too? What if she wants to be with you more than just sexually? There's so many ways it could go wrong.

AddToBasket Mon 20-Jun-16 20:37:32

I think a threesome would be a rubbish idea. Her feelings are for you not him. A threesome treats her a bit like a sex toy..

And yes, I think she probably does have feelings for you, or some kind of interest that's making you react so strongly.

You need to pour cold water over yourself though, because this is going to end up hurting/embarrassing one or all three of you. You've told your DH which has kind of given you a free pass. Dangerous territory as everyone has said above.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:16:20

When I was 21 I met a woman
(the new GF of an ex) and I was instantly attracted to hers. I had never been attracted to women before but instantly there was a chemistry between us.

About 6 months down the line my ex got in touch (we had parted on good terms many years prior to this) and he told me that his gf had admitted to him that she had been attracted to me. He obviously was over the moon about it and suggested the three of us meet up and go for drinks.

I agreed, we all went out and at the end of the night me and the other woman ended up kissing, with her bf's knowledge of course.

A few days later me and the woman arranged to have a girly night in at their house whilst her boyfriend was away with friends, which I did, again with the knowledge of her BF. I ended up spending the night with her.

After that there was one episode where a 3some nearly took place but I had no interest in him at all, it was just her I wanted. It really was like an infatuation.

She and I started meeting up with each other more frequently, again with her BF's knowledge and things started to go downhill from there in terms of their relationship.

To cut a very long story short, when the BF realised the dream scenario of regular 3somes wasn't on the cards and he was actually the spare part in it all the relationship understandably broke down.

My point is that what may start off as fun and tempting can quite quickly turn dark and sinister.

If you genuinely want to pursue this woman and experiment with your sexuality (which I completely understand as I was absolutely hooked on the woman in my scenario, thoughts about her consumed most of my days) you need to be prepared that you are seriously risking your marriage.

whatnoww Tue 21-Jun-16 00:59:32

Woman - that's the first time I've properly thought of dh and the woman being together in a sexual sense. I don't think he would really be into it to be fair. I think he likes the idea of me being with someone else more appealing. As for me, I could actually, probably deal with that. They are friends and I'm pretty much besotted with them both at the moment. Cold water would be a good plan although I doubt it would help, if she said jump, so to speak, I would deffo day how high! I think DH would rather get his sexual pleasure from me telling me how things want iykwim?

Back soon

whatnoww Tue 21-Jun-16 08:54:58

Wow how many wines did I have last night? That message doesn't make much sense even to me!

Writer - your story is interesting. How did things turn out. Did you stay with the woman? Did they ever get their relationship back on track?

Add - you are probably 100% right, it's messy and complicated and to be honest I'm probably embarrassing myself already. A 3some would be a bad idea!

Woman - the bit about feeling etc is the worrying bit for me. At this moment in time if sex was brought into the equation, I imagine my feelings for her would increase and that would put me in an even trickier situation than I'm in now.

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