Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Keeping it casual. Tips needed - please!!!

(47 Posts)
UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 10:01:26

Ok so I'm seeing someone.
Background info: he's much younger. We've already agreed it's not going to be a long-term thing.
It's a kind of friends with benefits arrangement
I just need some advice on how to handle myself - I don't want to fall for this guy, but I find myself really liking him, and thinking a lot too much about him.
I'm in a situation where I can't really offer a full relationship to anyone.
So my choices are to have a FWB with someone (and why not have this with someone lovely if I'm gonna do it), or, be totally alone in a fairly miserable life-stage.
Advice on how to keep it casual would be gratefully received!

category12 Mon 20-Jun-16 10:10:05

It might be helpful to think about it as NRE (New relationship energy) which is a bit of a polyamory term. People tend to be very swept up in the initial rush of a relationship, but it doesn't mean it has to develop into anything more than what you want it to be.

I would limit yourself to a specific arrangement of when you see each other, and stick to it. And don't daydream what ifs, keep yourself grounded to the realities.

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Jun-16 10:31:02

Don't overthink it, he's there to enhance your life, not to become it.
You need the same mindset when you're not with him as to when you're not with your other friends.
The fact you're both on the same page about it not being long term is good, he's not feeding you, he's honest.
Just enjoy your time when you're together, minimise contact between meetings & don't get het up with the boring how's your day texts. Only interact by text to sort out your next meeting & get on with your life.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 20-Jun-16 10:37:11

I'd actually say stop now. You say you don't want to fall for this guy but you find yourself really liking and thinking too much about him. FWB really only work if both partners can keep those sorts of feelings totally unchecked, otherwise one person will almost inevitably get hurt.

If you feel you can just enjoy it as a fling, rather than a FWB, and can accept it is a brief romance without getting caught up, then go for it. If you can't, then I'd stop before it goes further and perhaps find another guy for a FWB who is less "attractive" to you in that way.

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 10:37:36

Thanks category
Do you mean in thinking about him as to limiting the arrangement?

I just wish I had an "Off" switch in my head.
Really want to get a handle on this, as the alternative is to be totally alone which is a sad prospect. Do-able I suppose, but...

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 10:44:58

Good advice here. Thank you Naze and DrSeth
Especially the part about the same mindset as with other friends.
If I can't manage that maybe I'll have to end it.
And we do text a fair bit, every day I hear from him.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 20-Jun-16 10:45:44

UpYer Texting every day is NOT a FWB arrangement....

lissage Mon 20-Jun-16 11:18:18

My take on this is that you're sounding already too keen in the wrong sort of way for FWB to work without you getting hurt.

However, you didn't ask for opinions about that so my one tip in this scenario is to not do sleepovers. Sharing the same bed to actually sleep is incredibly intimate and doing it repeatedly does seem to lead to bonding.

You have to set your own boundaries based on your arrangement. If you go out on 'dates' it can become more difficult to deal with than if you only meet for sex and have minimal communcation in between. A true fuck buddy arrangement can appear cold and clinical to some but sticking to it as only ever a booty call does make it easier to stay detached.

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 11:24:03

You are right DrSeth.
We are both guilty of it though, it's not just me...
What to do now though??
If I say "no texting" it will tip him off that I'm thinking about him and I don't want to do that.

We have already both signed up to "no games" and "no disappearing".

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 11:29:06

We do sleepovers. (mostly because we live nowhere near each other, and I think we both enjoy them...)

This is not looking good at all is it 😣

category12 Mon 20-Jun-16 11:41:27

Limited by, for example, you agree to see each other once a month (or whatever). You keep to that, no extras. At a loose end? do something else, not him.

I'm not sure sleepovers are a no-no, you want to have fun and get what you need out of it. But I think texting daily etc is a bit much. Don't have to disappear - just say "really hectic today" and keep it minimal.

In all honesty I would just bloody enjoy it and accept that down the road, pain is very likely.

Gettingintothespirit Mon 20-Jun-16 11:53:48

UpYer I know exactly how you are feeling.

I have met a man I find so bloody attractive. This never happens to me!

Im not really ready for anything serious. I have been single for years but only very recently in a position to date.

He doesn't want anything serious either. He is recently out of a relationship and will eventually return to his home country.

But he is constantly on my mind! We connect on every level and I love "chatting" to him by text. We do this for hours most nights. The physical attraction is unreal. But I have been starved of physical interaction for a long time so that may magnify it.

I know I need to keep this casual. He is still on dating sites and he has every right to be. He doesn't owe me anything and he has been very open and honest about his plans for his future.

But can I do this? Without falling for him big time? Probably not. But as a PP said upthread, I am going to look at it as a fling with a limited lifespan and try really hard not to be too full on. I have to remind myself that it is just for now.

On this basis I can enjoy the feelings he has awakened in me. I will be sad when it ends probably but not heartbroken because I knew it was coming. But I would rather feel like this than not at the moment. I just wish I could think about him a little less because it is interfering with my life!

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 12:11:25

Yes indeed Getting we have much in common.

The guy I'm seeing ticks so many boxes for me. I know he really likes me, he tells me he misses me and that he's "intensely attracted".
The physical connection is very strong. We spark off each other mentally and really enjoy each other's company. We are similar kinds of people.

But he's also told me that he doesn't want a wife or partner - I'm not his "girlfriend".
He closed the account on the site I met him on - he does want a stable, monogamous thing. He's not a player. Just doesn't want a traditional or long-term thing. Maybe he was hurt in the past, he says he desperately doesn't want to be hurt. (Who does!!!!?!)

And then there's the age difference.

category12 Mon 20-Jun-16 12:36:57

Meh. I was kinda for it until the 3rd paragraph.

I think if you're doing fwb, you shouldn't make it monogamous. He's not the one with time against him. You should keep dating other people. Not be his "stable monogamous" not-girlfriend. You can't have it both ways, chap.

HandyWoman Mon 20-Jun-16 12:46:42

Hold on... he says he doesn't want a girlfriend (but you are one despite this - stable, friends, monogamous, overnighters, daily contact) and you think about him all the time and have an emotional connection as well as a deep attraction.

You are both kidding yourselves or he's a player. Or both.

Lots of people do OLD stating repeatedly on profiles and out loud that they 'do not want a relationship' but are perfectly happy to be in one (see above). The sort that they can pull the plug on and say 'I told you so'.

Lots of potential to get hurt here. I think it would be better for you both to just admit that this is a relationship and that splitting will involve pain. At least then you won't have the constant angst as well...

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 13:08:20

Thank you handy and category

Lots of food for thought here.

I really don't think he's a player. I know what they look like bitter experience
Just an unusual person, and fairly solitary.
But that's neither here nor there and I've got to take care of myself...

HandyWoman Mon 20-Jun-16 13:16:45

How long have you been together?

The mixed messages are unintentional. So far so banal. Even superficial tossers (players) would argue this, if you are complicit in it (happily partaking in a relationship in all but name) they assume it absolves them from responsibility.

He doesn't want to get hurt - well hello - who does.

Reality check required for both, if this is going to 'work'

category12 Mon 20-Jun-16 13:38:04

You do have to take care of yourself.

And that means accepting what he says at face value: this is temporary. Ok then, but then you shouldn't put your life on hold for it. Which means he is your option, not your priority. So you don't blow off other arrangements if he suddenly wants to see you. You date other people and pursue a satisfying social life independent of him.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 14:17:38

Sorry, this sounds like much more than FWB.

It sounds like situation I'm in, which is dating someone! We text everyday. We're not "together" but we're in the early stages of getting to know each other. I think about him and text him regularly. But we're both on the same page - we both want a relationship together and we both want to get to know each other before committing to anything.

Sounds like he wants to have the convenience of a girlfriend without the label and commitment that comes with it. And that's okay, but you need to decide if you can cope with the inevitable fall-out of that.

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 14:27:27

It does a bit, doesn't it hermione

I think I'll have to expand my horizons, minimally.

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Jun-16 14:31:52

We started talking end of April.
We've met 5 times since then, but he was abroad with work for a few weeks.
So it's pretty new-ish, handy

RubbishMantra Mon 20-Jun-16 15:06:28

IME, being upfront and stating you don't want a relationship can be like a red rag to a bull, to (some) men. Can't comment on women, because I've never had a same-sex relationship.

It got to the point where he would creep outside my house, listening and peeking through the windows, (silly bugger didn't think to put his phone on silent). Had a key cut from my spare, without my consent, and would let himself in when I was at work, and do my washing up. <useful, yet creepy> Even left a note on my coffee table. A line that sticks in my mind, is "you're right up my street, you are." grin When challenged, he said he "posted it through the letterbox, and it must have drifted through the hallway, around a corner, to conveniently land on my coffee table. :D

He really is my "shag of shame".

HandyWoman Mon 20-Jun-16 15:09:14

Up I thought you were going to say a few months or something. It sounds like you've both moved pretty fast... Esp with coming off apps etc. Nothing casual about you guys!!!

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 15:46:54

I don't think seeing someone 5 times in six weeks is moving particularly fast, but the sleepovers and coming off apps suggests it's more than FWB.

LetsTessalate Mon 20-Jun-16 17:30:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now