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Relationship becoming ever more complicated, not sure who is wrong

(42 Posts)
BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 09:44:11

Apologies in advance for the wall of text.

My OH and I have been together for literally 3 years last week. Our start was a bit all over the place - we met, fell in love fast. I was not long out of a 6 year relationship. (I moved to our city for me, however, not for him). I was studying and freelancing so was quite well paid, able to rent my own studio flat. I kept that for 6 months before moving in with him and his mother/dog/child while we looked for a place of our own. YES, I KNOW. I'M AN IDIOT AND ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE THAT THIS MAN IS INCAPABLE OF RUNNING HIS OWN LIFE.

Things are ok for a time, then get pretty tense. I was made redundant from my well-paid job; this meant that it was either give up uni, or give up hopes of being with him. I chose to give up uni and get a job. I've worked hard on my career and I'm in a great job, though far from what I want to be doing with my life to be honest. I'm lucky though, I get that.

We finally, after a year of hunting, find somewhere to move to (Bristol is almost as brutal as London). he finally gets a job he promises he can stick out.

Now, his job offers a perk where you can leave early some days if they calculate the staff rota'd in will be too much for the day's workload. In 6 months, my boyfriend did not do a full week. Of course, he managed to get sacked. His answer, as always, is that he hates working in cal centres, he's sorry, he'll do something different. This was back in October.

I work in retail, so luckily for us, it was a time when I was going to be working 60 odd hours a week anyway - we could cope til he found a new job.

Which happened in March. And now again in June. The job he's in now, tbf, is a kitchen position. I trust that it's a better fit for him.

However, also luckily, a new company website meant I continued doing 6 days weeks, of upwards of 50 hours minimum a week.

I was bone tired, depressed, knew my OH was lying about going into work on some days. I was physically and emotiuonally exhausted. His drinking was out of control again (he managed to quit for three weeks) and has led him to decisions and treatment I'm not... appreciative of.

Now, in three years with this man, I've paid for hte bulk of our social life. I've been the one single handedly supporting his son in our end of that parenting nargain. And over the past few weeks, he's gotten more and more upset that the intimacy is gone.


He's trying to make out that the most important thing in our relationship is sex - mainly, I suspect, because he's awkward, has only had one LTR before (oh, yeah, the mother of his child, who is still - STILL - married to) and it's important for him in order to feel loved and attractive. Our sex life has definitely dwindled - for a couple of months, that's all - while I struggle with dealing with him, but the intimacy has not. Over the last few weeks he's repeatedly brought this up, and has not added some new accusations about his son and the way I treat hime (I apparently care too little, whilst also caring so much that I'm destroying our relationship). I lost it yesterday. After being accused of all that and he greets me in the morning like fuck all is wrong, I told him to do one and left for a while. Cue accusations about how I'm like my (narcissist, abusive, demon bitch of a mother who he has never met and who has left me with a crippling eating disorder and physical and mental scars).

We tried to talk later - sat in different rooms, via text/whatsapp. His pattern was to switch between "I feel unloved cos you don't have enough sex with me" - which, by the way, he wants to be all kinky sex (which I enjoy, but I'd also like some vanilla from time to time, fgs) so I apparently don't even get a say; and switching between over the top statements like "I'm so worthless I should just die better for you and [son] smile x"

I'm not being crazy, right? I don't deserve to be dealing with all this shit and then getting called all sorts because my fucking idiot manchild can't understand THAT HE'S DESTROYED ALL OUR INTIMACY?

I'm fucking gutted.

CaoNiMao Mon 20-Jun-16 09:49:47

Get rid. Seriously.

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 09:51:05

I'm an idiot. How did I let this happen again? Why can't I turn down someone who needs rescuing? sad

DoreenLethal Mon 20-Jun-16 09:53:12

Oh dear me - do find some self esteem and get rid of this total waste of space.

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 09:55:34

I don't think it;'s my self esteem - things have only gotten really shitty since I've needed to rely on him financially to help support US, if you see what I mean? I was also loath to break up his son's home here, but I'm not good to him anyway apparently.

I know what needs to be done to be honest. I told him already I think we're over. I just need to save up and move and not look back.

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 09:55:56

^ I mean since we moved into our own house; issues became magnified then.

SpinyCrevice Mon 20-Jun-16 09:59:53

This dude is incapable of having a normal relationship but will make it all out to be your fault. He will repeat this pattern throughout his whole life I suspect. Get him gone. He may never be lucky enough to find another person so willing to fund him in his weirdness but that's not your issue. You are intelligent enough to see exactly what's going on here OP. LTB ASAP.

SpinyCrevice Mon 20-Jun-16 10:56:37

Also men often have a pop regarding sex because for lots of women it's their achilles heel. Real or perceived. It's low behaviour among his other low behaviours.

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 11:23:36

He's on nights this week so I won't have to see him for a fews, plenty of time to get those ducks in a row. I'm so strong and I've overcome so much, and I'm done.

he's insistent that by not having sex with him enough, I'm making him feel unloved and unattractive.

TamaraHiddlestoned Mon 20-Jun-16 11:32:50

He sounds selfish & manipulative. You do not need him in your life. Full stop.
Please take advantage of this week to start a new phase in your life & move on.

pallasathena Mon 20-Jun-16 11:33:40

You have serious self esteem issues if you think you are in the wrong here o/p. This guy is a text book narcissistic waster and you've gone from one dysfunctional relationship (mother) from what you say, to another equally abusive relationship.
You've worked yourself to the bone for him. Why? You've internalised his accusations by stating that you're 'not sure who is wrong'.'
Get rid, get out and sign up for some counselling sessions. You have to look after yourself and find out how you can move forward and find some proper happiness in your life.

FetchezLaVache Mon 20-Jun-16 11:37:38

I would say that in order to be sexually attractive, he needs to behave like an adult. I can't see a single thing in this relationship that I'd be prepared to fight for, tbh. Hills are that way >>

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 11:39:35

Fetchez - I've said that repeatedly. I've just told him I'm looking for somewhere else to live. He appears to be genuinely shocked.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 20-Jun-16 12:50:06


I really question this statement. Who has let you slave to the bone? Who has actually tolerated his lying, drinking and sponging?

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 12:53:20

RedMaple - had suspicions about that, but no proof/admittal until recently on the lying. I know, I know.'

Am I supposed to give up on my step son straight away though, just turf him out?

RedMapleLeaf Mon 20-Jun-16 13:15:42

Doesn't sound like a kind, responsible thing to do. Where else could your boyfriend's son go?

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 13:48:26

He lives full time with his mum elsewhere. We have custody every weekend and 50/50 most longer holidays, and 100% for half terms.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 20-Jun-16 16:55:45

Why would you not ask his mum to have him?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 20-Jun-16 17:17:18

Your partner's son lives with his mum so he's fine. Contact can happen at grandmas house. If you wanted, you could stay in contact with him yourself, although that could be confusing for everyone.

What's your current housing situation? Rent? Mortgage? In whose name?

As for the sex, well, by being a big dick he has put you off his little dick.

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 17:20:16

Renting (thankfully, at least it will be a lot easier to get out of). Both our names.

I've known and loved his child for three years, I just didn't want to end things before I knew they were completely irreparable. I made a commitment to him as well, you know what I mean?

His mum has already put up with enough; she's done her house up recently just for her and I feel awful about potentially just fucking her life up again, even though I know it's not my fault. I know she's kick his arse if she knew how shitty he was being. I know he doesn't mean it, but it still isn't acceptable.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Nobloodynamesleft Mon 20-Jun-16 17:30:35

Seriously. You have actually chosen this life for yourself? You're not married, have no dc together, do not own property together. You can end this now.

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 17:49:20

I just feel so stupid. Urgh.

It's time to start looking/saving up for a new place.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 20-Jun-16 17:49:37

No, you didn't make a commitment to his son. You are not married to his dad. The boy does not live in your house. You are his dad's girlfriend, you see him a lot and you are friends, which is lovely. You are not his mother. He has a mother.

His dad drinks, his dad can't hold down a job, his dad doesn't even look after him during "contact", he leaves it to his girlfriend and even his own mother has had enough of his shit.

Honestly, the lad is better off being with his mum 100% of the time.

You are doing the boy no favours by showing him that if he behaves like his dad he gets everything done for him, if he is smart enough to have a child to trap the woman first.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 20-Jun-16 17:51:18

Can he screw up your ability to save by not working?

BristolPistol Mon 20-Jun-16 18:17:56

I made a commitment to his son when I/we rented a house for him, but I see what you mean. Get the rest of your points though Rabbit.

I'm going to request this thread be deleted - not because I don't need to hear what you lot have to say, but I've heard it, and tbh I don't think I need to hear any more. It's pretty grim and I feel like I'm just stupid stupid stupid.

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