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Husband told me to go away

(20 Posts)
Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 05:50:29

Last night my husband told me to go away, get out...not sure if he meant out of the room or the house. We haven't got on for a while, ages actually I guess. He works such long hours, about 80 a week, and i work 21 hours a week and also have a chronic illness. We have 2 ds, ds1 is nearly 4 and ds2 is 20 months.

Me and dh are always exhausted, him from work and me from my illness and ds2's terrible sleeping, which is only now starting to improve but he is still a very early riser. So when me and dh get to speak to each other, which is first thing in the morning, it is not really quality time!

Dh is an emotional abuser, this is what prompted everything last night - I needed him to help me figure something out as my illness causes cognitive problems and my brain was all foggy, but he was just making me feel like I was stupid (just through his tone and little comments, nothing i could actually specifically call him out on). I asked if he meant to make me feel stupid, and he just acted like I was imagining it.

I should mention I also suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks which have been worse lately due to a lot of stress about other things. I haven't been on any meds due to previous side effects. Last night I managed (amazingly) to book a Dr app for this morning, so I will see if I can try a different med.

I don't know what to do. I feel like it's over, but I'm just waiting for him to tell me.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Mon 20-Jun-16 06:08:26

You are allowed to decide for yourself that it's over

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 07:31:59

I know, but tbh I always thought we would stay together, unhappily, forever.

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 07:32:14

Now I don't know and that scares me

DoreenLethal Mon 20-Jun-16 07:34:36

You might find your depression, anxiety and panic attacks disappear when you finally have him out of your life.

Getit Mon 20-Jun-16 07:36:25

Life can be so much better
Its terrifying but you need to decide

Eeeek686 Mon 20-Jun-16 07:39:05

Agree with Doreen..... noone deserves to stay with anyone, unhappily, forever - you owe it to yourself, and more importantly your children to see to it that that doesn't happen. Children pick up on way more than we realise and situations experienced in childhood often end up getting replicated in adulthood - would you want your children to live like that as adults?

Stay looking into how you can fix all your lives while they - and you - are still young.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Mon 20-Jun-16 07:40:23

Why would you even want to stay together forever..... unhappily??

Why inflict that on your kids?

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 08:04:47

I think you'll find your depression and anxiety will vanish once you get rid of your awful husband.

You can do so much better flowers

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 08:15:58

i have had depression on and off since young, before i met the early days he did initially help me by making me eat when i had anorexia but now yes he is a dick. but staying together for the children...isnt that better?!? and financially...although a lot of my money (debts) is tied up in his company...yes i can see what an idiot i am

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 08:17:11

i need to get back on some anti depressants to make the feelings go away, i get so angry sometimes, sorry i'm just wittering on now

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 08:18:08

i may be off line for a bit as going to Dr, so excuse me if I don't respond to any messages posted

Emochild Mon 20-Jun-16 08:21:58

I suffered from depression and anxiety on and off from aged 11

From 20-32 I had almost permanent depression that would not lift

I've had no reoccurrences of depression (beyond low mood) for 6 years now

I split up with my emotionally abbusive ex 6.5 years ago

He is no good for you and is making you sick

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Mon 20-Jun-16 08:23:36

No. This is not best for your children! Not at all

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 08:26:03

I've had depression since I was 12. It got worse with my first boyfriend, who was abusive. Once we split up, things improved massively. I had counselling and CBT, and then met my last ex. The counselling made me stronger and I noticed the warning signs and managed to get out before I got tied up in anything messy.

Leaving him won't cure your depression but it will make it 100x easier to deal with!

HumpMeBogart Mon 20-Jun-16 09:08:05

Another one who's had depression and severe anxiety since I was 12. Mine was at least partly caused by the toxic relationships in my family - between my parents and between my mum and me. The tension was awful to live with, and I wish they'd split up years ago.

I don't think living in such an unhappy home is good for anyone's children. Your sons will see how their dad treats you and grow up thinking it's ok to talk to women like this. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm blaming you in any way for any of this. It sounds like you're having a horrendous time and getting very little support. I really hope your GP is helpful - maybe s/he can refer you for counselling. CBT helped me a lot.

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 09:33:22

I think though most of our 'arguing' (more snippy comments then actual shouting) is not seen by the kids though? As it is weekend evenings when we are alone, we hardly talk in the mornings (big part of the relationship problems I'm sure) as we are tired and rushing to get ready and get kids ready,

LesisMiserable Mon 20-Jun-16 14:08:15

I'm not for one single second blaming you for your various conditions but I imagine it's incredibly hard for both of you living in this high pressure environment of very long hours childcare and illness et it sounds awfully draining for all concerned, if you say your dh is abusive though and you truly believe it for your children's sake you should not be with him.

SandyY2K Mon 20-Jun-16 14:21:01

I think one issue is the lack of quality time you spend together and the stress of young children not sleeping well. Lack of sleep can make people grouchy and snappy.

I'm trying to give an objective view here and I realise working 80 hours a week, then coming home to have to face the domestic stuff could be wearing him down.

Just flip this round. If you worked 80 hours a week and he worked 21 and had a chronic illness etc... I think people would excuse you for being snippy at him.

Do you have anyone who can babysit while the two of you have alone time to actually have fun and reconnect?

It's not good for children to be in an unhappy home or have parents that aren't happy, but if you can turn things around and bond better,.then that would be a lot better.

Dizzywizz Mon 20-Jun-16 18:30:41

Thanks for your comments...Lesismiserable, he is definitely emotionally abusive but sadly I think I am too, though mine is probably more obvious and his more 'hidden'...SandyY2k I think I would like to turn things around just don't know how. We do go out once every month or 2, for a meal. It always seems difficult to make conversation though. We are going on holiday in a couple of weeks, hopefully that will help and I will have anti ds and won't be too panicky.

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