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Is my marriage over? I don't know how to come back from this

(94 Posts)
DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:15:12

Yesterday afternoon I received a message from a man I didn't know saying my husband was having an affair with his wife and I needed to talk to my husband about it. I asked him who his wife was and does he have evidence. He told me her name and said he did have evidence, but that my husband owed it to me to tell me himself.

I confronted my husband and of course he denied it. I told him this man was about to send me proof so to own up now. He ended up admitting they'd been sending inappropriate/flirty messages to each other the night before, but said that he hadn't been having an affair it was "just" the messages (which of course have been deleted).

To cut a long story short, it turns out the ow husband doesn't have evidence of an affair after all. It seems he sent me a message stating it was an affair in the hope that I'd find out all the details as he wasn't sure if he could believe his wife that it was "only" the messages which he had found. I don't blame him at all and thanked him for telling me.

Years ago I found out DH was messaging this same woman when he acted suspiciously and I ended up looking in his messages. He'd deleted the messages but 1 or 2 "normal" messages remained and it was obvious messages had been deleted in between. For a few hours he swore blind that they must've deleted themselves hmm and he had nothing to hide, until it became obvious I wasn't as thick as shit and he admitted it. But again, as the messages had been deleted I only had his version of what had been said. We had a huge falling out but patched things up.

There has also been one other occasion where he was messaging his ex girlfriend inappropriately when we were first together. I found out because he was showing me something on his computer and the message popped up at the bottom. I didn't even notice but he jumped a mile and acted very strangely so I knew something was going on. He admitted to also meeting with her but said nothing happened. I'm not sure I believe this.

However I am fairly certain he hasn't been having an affair with this latest woman. I don't know when he'd have the opportunity. I think it's purely inappropriate messages. But even if it is, what am I supposed to do now?! I have only ever known what he has chosen to tell me of these situations. I have no trust left. We have had huge arguments about the previous 2 situations and now I find myself here again. I feel like I'm being taken for a fool. I'm a strong person. I don't take any crap from people, and yet this is the third time this has happened. Is it worth ending my marriage over?

I hate what he has done. We have a small child who adores him. A mortgage. 2 sets of flights booked to visit family before this year is over. I'm a sahm. I feel trapped. I don't want to leave my home and uproot my DC. Why should I?! I like my life as it is and I don't want it to change. But how can I live with someone who I have no trust for? What a miserable existence.

I feel like DH has something wrong with him. He is a quiet and reserved man. Always wants to make everyone happy. (Except me I've pointed out). But he doesn't seem to fully understand other people's emotions. He can't seem to step outside of himself and out himself in someone else's shoes. Eg how would he feel if it were the other way around. I don't think he has any idea as he's incapable of feeling someone else's emotions. Does thus make sense?? Is there any disorder this may relate to?

Sorry this is so long. I don't really know what to do next. I don't want to talk to him but I guess I can't keep ignoring him. I've heard it all before and it just feels like he's reading from a script, not talking from his heart. It's as if he's always playing a character. Like he's too afraid to be real

Angeladelight Sun 19-Jun-16 21:18:42

You've identified issues that have nothing to do with inappropriate texting. If you feel he is false and going "off a script" like you say, how do you know what's real? I'm not sure I could really be with someone who I felt acted that way. I wish I could give some advice, I didn't want to read and run, but it seems there a deeper issues you need to address. flowers

ivykaty44 Sun 19-Jun-16 21:20:24

There is something obviously wrong with your op and you need to decide whether to stay and this pattern repeats or go and make a break

loveyoutothemoon Sun 19-Jun-16 21:26:22

Your DH has no disorder, he has a problem with boundaries and you need to decide whether or not you can trust him.

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:28:27

I don't think he knows how to be himself. I think he has such low self esteem he's always trying to be the person he thinks he should be, eg to fit in with friends. I don't think he has any sense of identity. It's hard to explain.

I don't think he's trying to be false. He just doesn't know how to be his true raw self. You're right in that I feel like I don't know what is real. Yet I do love him. Anyone who meets him would say what a lovely genuine person he is. In many ways he is such a wonderful person. I don't know if I should be trying to help him or swearing at him. I just feel empty like things will never change. He says when he sent the messages that it didn't feel like real life and it was just like something that lived in the computer.

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:29:03

Your husband is not worthy of trust

So you have two choices

1) stay, and drive yourself crazy trying to catch him out repeatedly

2) decide you can't be arsed with this shit and make your own way without him

I know which I would choose

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:30:05

You are considering that you have to "help" him not try to get in other women's knickers ?

Have you heard yourself ?

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:30:11

You're right he does have a problem with boundaries. I'm not trying to make excuses for him. He's been/being a shitty husband. I just don't know if there's more to it. If there's any way of salvaging things.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 19-Jun-16 21:31:36

He's done this before, with the same woman and you found about that "years ago". What the heck do you think has been going on in the intervening years, just smutty, suggestive texts and that's all? For years? Highly unlikely, but you won't get the truth from him, he'll only admit to the absolute minimum that he thinks he can get away with. Just like the rest of them when they get caught.

He's destroyed your trust. Once the trust has gone, so has the relationship.

Go away for a couple of days. Have a think about whether you're prepared to tolerate another couple of decades of this shit. Because if you stay and try to "fix" this, that is precisely what you will get.

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:32:51

Sorry I didn't mean help him in regards to other woman. I meant that in regards to not being confident in himself. I don't owe him anything though I realise that.

I feel like I should make my own way without him for my own sanity. But I literally don't know how to start. I don't want to be a single mother. I don't want to leave our home. He's the fucker that has made this situation. Why am I the one to suffer?

Summerlovinf Sun 19-Jun-16 21:33:14

Your DH's problem is he's an unfaithful a'hole...except it's not a problem for him cos you're so understanding and will put up with literally anything writing it off as him not knowing how to be his own raw self....oh dear.

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:37:19

Yeah thanks for that. Don't know why I bothered. I have no one in rl to talk to so thought I might be able to talk to people here. I don't mind being told the truth but it doesn't help to insult me

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Sun 19-Jun-16 21:37:42

I don't think this is at all about your H, his weaknesses or failings I think you know what you want to do and need help and support to get you through it. And you know what? it should be about you as you can't rely on him to be honest and genuine with you and he's proven that more than once.

Are you in England or the UK?

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:37:49

Make him leave, why would you leave ?

What's up with single parents ? Rather that then be a doormat that turns a blind eye to infidelity.

windygales Sun 19-Jun-16 21:40:30

I think you need to work out your next step on the road to leaving.
I don't know what that is sorry not helpful. I'm stuck because I want to leave mine.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:41:34

Salvage? More to it?

You are looking for a way of "saving" him from sexting and fucking other women yet again?

Has he expressed any desire to be saved from the horrors of fucking his other women whenever he feels like it?

You have a bigger problem with boundaries than him. He has been pissing all over you for years and you are standing there in the shower of piss saying he has a problem with boundaries.

Stop psychoanalysing him and start pschyoanalysing yourself to discover why the actual fuck you haven't already seen a solicitor.

I feel like I'm being taken for a fool. I'm a strong person. I don't take any crap from people, and yet this is the third time this has happened. Is it worth ending my marriage over? Yes, you are being taken for a fool. It is good you are strong and don't make crap but why are you not showing any signs of that in this situation? Hell yes it is worth ending your marriage over. Unless you want to continue with your open marriage, because that's what you've got.

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:41:48

There's nothing wrong with being a single parent at all! My mother was one and was a bloody good one. But I know it wasn't easy for her. I guess we'd both have to leave our home? I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and bills on my own so I couldn't stay.

Thanks Enrique. Yes I'm in England.

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:43:41

I don't want to "save" him??!

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:45:49

Why is it other people get support on here yet I get people swearing at me? You're right I am a fool and have problems

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:46:45

What do you want then ?

Him to be a faithful husband ?

Not happening.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Sun 19-Jun-16 21:48:07

From experience, you feel more empowered when you take control and as hard as things might be, it's very liberating to take charge and do what you need to do for yourself, your esteem and for your child.

Parenting is also easier alone than with an unreliable present coparent.

Doop if you care to set out your circumstances, posters who are up to speed with the law, benefits and every conceivable source of help, will guide you along if that's what you decide to do.

I've seen so many people separate and say that although it was tough at times, it lead to a far better life.

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:49:16

Lovey, what support do you want ?

It looks to me like you want people to agree that your husband is simply a bit weak and with your love and support he could be a better man.

He's a sleaze who has cheated on you repeatedly and you are looking to "help" him ?

You will never get support for that, apart from the odd manpleasing Stepford Wife. But that would be weird, so I hope it doesn't happen.

DoopDoopBiscuit Sun 19-Jun-16 21:52:33

What do I want?!? I feel like I want him to get run over by a bus so I don't have to look at his face ever again. His life insurance will pay off the mortgage and I won't have anything to worry about.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Sun 19-Jun-16 21:53:04

Windy do you have your own thread?

FWIW I'm not one who cries LTB easily, but sometimes you can read posts and just know that it's the only course of action.

No one really believes that it's as easy as saying it and then there's a magic future, but life is full of tough decisions and when there are DCs involved sometimes a parent has to really step up to the plate for everyone's future benefit.

I completely understand that it's a scary thought and not a quick fix, but again, there is a huge amount of support here for people who need to make that kind of decision.

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:53:36

I much prefer your last reply. smile

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