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So ... you're on a date ...

(38 Posts)
ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 16:34:24

And it's time to say goodnight - you're waiting outside together for a taxi.

You've already dodged a full on lunge/kiss attempt, and as the taxi draws up you go to do a double-cheek type of kiss. BUT your date is determined to kiss you on the lips and cups your face in order to do so.

What would you do?

A) Knee him in the balls?

B) make it as brief a kiss/peck as possible and get in the taxi alone asap

C) Do B but have a conversation with him at a later point about how it's not right to have a non-consensual kiss no matter how many times he may have seen it in films etc?

Ffs the guy is 50 - how can he get to this point in life and not realise it's not ok?! Generally not a dickhead, and I genuinely believe he thinks he's being 'romantic'.

InstinctivelyITry Sun 19-Jun-16 16:36:56

Maybe put your hands over his end gently draw them away from your face? Quick peck on cheek while doing so should give him the message....
Do you feel it's too soon for kissing? Is he your cup of tea?

AuntieStella Sun 19-Jun-16 16:37:08

B, but then never see him again.

Rummikub Sun 19-Jun-16 16:39:23

Say no and get off! But I'm not known for my tact. And he's out of order.

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 16:40:53

On paper we look well matched. However, I've kissed him before, and we are not really on the same page ... I thought we were out as just friends last night, but he seems to have read more into it.

Kind of leads to another question - should I have to 'train' him to kiss me in a way that I prefer? I think if someone tried to do that to me I would tell them to fuck off.

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 16:42:48

Rum it IS out of order isn't it? But I know that if I talk about it to my friends they won't see it like that, and say I'm making a fuss about nothing.

I feel I owe it to the sisterhood to tell him so he doesn't do it to anyone else!

Rummikub Sun 19-Jun-16 16:44:20

I'm wondering if you were into him you'd have liked that kiss?

I hate the kiss dodge.

AuntieStella Sun 19-Jun-16 16:46:33

If you want to kiss him, then 'training' (aka finding ways that mean you both like it, a work of willing trial and error by both) is fine. Same for all physical preferences.

I read your post to mean that you don't really want to kiss him at all.

Rummikub Sun 19-Jun-16 16:47:52

I would tell him. His response will be a good indicator.

On line dating tends to move things at a pace, which I'm sure is fine for some people but not for me. So don't touch me unless invited!

One guy lunged for me at the train station after a date. And grabbed me to pull me in when i dodged. I did shout get off me. It really pissed me off. He seemed surprised. Arrogant fucker.

60sname Sun 19-Jun-16 16:52:54

I would have jumped back, leaving him in no doubt that the kiss was unwelcome.

Saying that I wouldn't have gone for a kiss goodbye in the first place if I wasn't into him and/or thought he was into me. But then I am not very 'kissy'

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 17:00:15

I dated him four years ago too and was "into him" then but felt the same about the kissing. Even said to him when there was one better session, that I liked that etc. Made no difference.

Not sure how I've got myself back in this situation. I genuinely thought I was going as a good friend last night. He is woefully lacking in dating etiquette and common sense I think.

But if I'm 'presenting' my cheek (as it were!) how/why does he think it's ok to move my head to kiss my lips instead. It depresses me when I know friends will say it's ok to do it.

Trills Sun 19-Jun-16 17:01:35

I would probably have tried to physically get out of it - but without injuring him.

However it's totally possible that I might have frozen.

It also depends on whether his attitude seemed like
oh no missy you are not getting away from me
vs
one kiss or two cheek kissing is always so awkward, I'll make it clear what kind of kissing I am aiming for

Rummikub Sun 19-Jun-16 17:01:50

That is depressing sad

Why did it end 4 years ago?

Goingtobeawesome Sun 19-Jun-16 17:07:35

No one should ever do B but you shouldn't need to do A so I'd be moving away while putting my hand over my mouth.

The day I met DH we were saying good bye he went to peck me on the lips I thought and this was fine but he tried a more open mouth kiss which caught me out. I pecked. All was fine though. He was young and shy. Have trained him to kiss very well now.

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 17:12:42

Probably because of the crap kissing grin

And the "just dropping in" unannounced ...

I've been single for 3 years and For the most part I like it - whereas he would claim the same but would actually marry me tomorrow according to a mutual friend. The old me would have been flattered and rushed headlong into it - now I'm not doing anything that isn't right for me, but finding it hard not to revert to old behaviour.

kittybiscuits Sun 19-Jun-16 17:15:21

He sounds really dodgy. Forcing you to kiss him? Dropping in...no way!

Gabilan Sun 19-Jun-16 17:17:01

D. Push him away without being violent. And if you want to maintain the friendship, you need to have THAT talk.

Is it just bad kissing that puts you off? If so, you could try explaining what you like and don't like. Not in a "you're crap" way, just "this is what I like, what do you like?"

Rummikub Sun 19-Jun-16 17:21:00

grin crap kissing is painful. Dry lips kissing anyone ...ew I still remember the vile sensation.

Hissy Sun 19-Jun-16 17:21:36

He's not a friend if he keeps violating your boundaries.

How many more times does he need to do this for you to see?

No means no.

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 17:23:31

Yes, I think the talk is in order.

To the PP who successfully 'trained' her DH, was it subtle, or "I like this; you need to kiss me like this" etc?

I guess if I explain how big a deal it is to me, the he has the choice of adapting or not.

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 17:26:17

Hissy he seems naive (rather than nasty) in not realising where my boundaries are, and I doubt it figured on his radar that I squirmed and left asap.

It pisses me off that we are suited in so many ways ... then this confused

Trills Sun 19-Jun-16 17:26:49

Even if he were brilliant at kissing - how do you feel about the rest of how he behaves?

Hissy Sun 19-Jun-16 17:43:35

You dodged him once.

You offered your cheek and he cupped Your face removing the control you had over the situation.

Some men use the "naive" approach to get what they want.

He isn't a friend. Friends would not do this.

You can put your hand on his chest and gently push saying, no, I don't want you to kiss me or similar.

I think even then he'd push back.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 19-Jun-16 17:53:31

grin I didn't train him really just odd comments I think and we found our way. We've been together more than 20 years so I can't really remember.

I wouldn't see him again for the forcing. There's other men in the world..

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Jun-16 17:54:17

I think in the back of my mind I want to like him more. But this is a huge sticking point. I'm not good at being assertive - I either go verbally aggressive or submissive; I probably ghosted him last time (and then moved house). He generally is a "do anything for you" kind of guy, not as in to hold it over you, just in a "well, why wouldn't I?"

I'll judge by his response to our conversation when it happens ...

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