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Last week I was strong & positive, today I'm a complete wreck

(16 Posts)
AvaLeStrange Sun 19-Jun-16 14:47:57

Long story short DH & I have been together 20 years and have 11yo DD.

He has always been prone to bouts of moodiness but they've increased and become more severe and more easily triggered over time. He has sought help one, many years ago but came back after 1 therapy session having drawn the conclusion that he 'wouldn't have a problem if you didn't piss me off so much'.

Muddled along for the intervening years - he can be really lovely but when he's not he's basically EA.

After a particularly gruelling 6 weeks earlier this year, which for the first time impacted seriously on DD too, I decided we had to leave.

I have spent the last couple of months getting my 'ducks in a row' - gathering paperwork, sorting out actual stuff, changing job to one that will better suit life as a single parent...

...last week I was fine but today I'm angry and upset and can't stop crying. There is so much change to cope with. Struggling to get/fit in solicitor appt before I leave, leaving my lovely supportive colleagues for a new workplace and more hours, trying to support DD who unfortunately is aware of the situation, sorting logistics of when to go and how we'll all fit in to my parents house, plus life in general.

There were a few brief glimpses of 'nice hubby' over the last couple of days, then he does/says something that makes me angryshock.

It's just crap and I don't know how I'm going to cope or get DD through this. I just want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all go away sad.

JellyBean31 Sun 19-Jun-16 17:27:12

Is he staying in the family home then??? Why??? It sounds from your post that he is aware of what's about to happen, how is he ok with you & DD moving in with your parents while he stays in what've as your home?

Dealing with all this and a change in job must be incredibly stressful, be kind to yourself, you will probably be on an emotional roller coaster for a good whole yet, but it sounds as though you are making the right decision to end the relationship. Your DD will be proud of you for being strong enough to say "enough"

Make sure you do for in the solicitor appt you need to make sure your not disadvantaging yourself financially.


AvaLeStrange Sun 19-Jun-16 17:50:24

The house is in his name but I'll be registering matrimonial homes rights before we leave.

He doesn't know we're leaving - he would be impossible to live with in that situation. It came to this point once before and he said he wouldn't let me take DD and he'd rather burn the house to the ground than see me get a penny so I'd rather get us out then tell him and deal with the ensuing shitstorm (fwiw I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be stupid enough to do either).

The fact that DD knows what's going on is a massive complication - I caught her looking at houses to rent online during the last bad patch which hammered home the fact that this really is it, but trying to work this out with my grown up head on, deal with my own feelings and hers is so hard. I have spoken to her school and the GP who is arranging some support for her.

There have been a couple of relatively minor things going on this weekend which have just tipped me over the edge. I know we need to do this and when we come out the other side we will all be happier, but the next month or so is going to be tough.

I'm lucky really though, my parents are incredibly supportive, I have some great friends and the new job will be good - just all at once it's a bit of shock to the system.

Summerlovinf Sun 19-Jun-16 18:05:38

Stick will be worth it.

Elizabethreallyismissing Sun 19-Jun-16 18:14:02

I think you're doing the right thing for you and your daughter! Keep strong & keep going.
I'm sorry you have to leave your job though that must be hard on top of everything else! Just hold on to the thoughts of happier times ahead!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 19-Jun-16 18:17:10

You know it will be great when you get through this part. Your post was a journey in itself. The future will be lovely and you'll be there soon.

AvaLeStrange Sun 19-Jun-16 18:17:16

Thanks. I think it's all getting a bit real. The delay in seeing a solicitor means putting leaving on the back burner for a few weeks which throws up all sorts of complications.

My gut feeling is to carry on planning so everything is in order and drift along until the next flare up then leave asap, but I worry that dragging it out will only bring more complications and be harder on DD. I wish so much that sdhe was less aware but she's very bright and we're extremely close so it was impossible for her to not pick up on it to some extent, especially when his behaviour started affecting her.

Things are calm if a bit strained at home right now, so it's manageable for the time being. Perhaps I need to do more taking each day as it comes and less over thinking!

AvaLeStrange Sun 19-Jun-16 18:22:04

Thank you smile.

Elizabeth my current job itself is not what it was and the overall boss drives me crackers so it's not a bed of roses, but its flexible, fewer hours and I have lovely colleagues and an amazing line manager. I know if I had a rough day and burst into tears at my desk, or needed to pop out to solicitor or something it wouldn't be problem.

New job will be great I'm sure, utilises my skill set much more, people seem lovely and got really great feedback when they offered me the job. It isdisd absolutely the best move for DD and I long term in terms of finances and practicalities.

Just a bit wobble-inducing thinking of it in the context of everything else that's going on.

Elizabethreallyismissing Sun 19-Jun-16 18:29:48

Well the new job sounds great, good luck!
Can you see a different solicitor or are you already too far down the path with your current one? Sounds like you both need to be getting out of there asap!

AvaLeStrange Sun 19-Jun-16 20:59:07

This will be first visit but they were the ones my friend used and are well established.

Also they offer a good fixed fee initial consultation and reasonable ongoing hourly rate which is important as I don't expect H to make things easy and my parents are helping me out with the costs.

I'm working both old & new job and doing a freelance project at the mo. DH works the same hours as I do so it's high on impossible to even make a phone call in peace!

seventhgonickname Mon 20-Jun-16 00:09:47

This waiting bit is the worst bit.I moved out on June 6th as my daughter turned 13.I kept my nerve by being angry as Oh knew we were leaving so increased the mind games,withdrew from settlement agreement as the point of signing and when he knew I had put an offer for a house in,and picked fault with my dd and me to the point of tears most days.
We are out,my mum cashed some savings to help and I managed to get a small mortgage until we manage to secure money from dh(who is in marital home and running it down to decrease value).
However day to day we are both happy,dd is coming out of her protective shell and is glued to her lap top a little less.I will not bad mouth dh to her ,he is her dad and under it all he loves her but she has only stayed overnight once and he will not commit to regular arrangements.I have kept her informed all along of when we would move so she has felt more in control.
You know it's all worthwhile when you're on the sofa with you dh on a Sunday morning having the tea and toast she made you and no one having a go cos its11am and we're still in our dressing gowns planning our day together.This will be you soon.All the best.

seventhgonickname Mon 20-Jun-16 00:12:19

Sorry dd not dh in the last bit,cant remember the last time dh made me a cup of tea!

AvaLeStrange Mon 20-Jun-16 22:19:44

Ah yes, my H is also allergic to tea/coffee making.

It sometimes feels like he doesn't want to show me too much consideration in case I start to get 'up myself' or something confused.

Glad you've managed to get out and feel so much happier. It's not nice to be able to actually feel the change in atmosphere when H goes out and actually jump when I hear the door go as he comes back in.

seventhgonickname Tue 21-Jun-16 12:49:31

No,more jumping or feeling like an intruder in my own house.Still have money to sort out but not living with him means that the pressure and digs at me are gone.Izzy has established a new floor drive and a collection of plates in her room so has settled really well.
How are you at the moment?

seventhgonickname Tue 21-Jun-16 23:00:46

Sorry floor drobe ,auto spell thing keeps changing words.

AvaLeStrange Tue 21-Jun-16 23:26:25

Have PMd you seventh - you DD sounds very like mine grin!

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