AIBU to be fed up and jealous(140 Posts)
My husband has a good job but the pay is not that great, we have a significant amount of debt, so money is tight but not impossible. The majority of the debt stems from toys my husband has treated himself too including boats and various cars.
I am feeling really low at the moment as my husband has just been on a week long business trip travelling first class and enjoying Michelin star food whilst staying in a lovely 5 star hotel. He came back from his trip and went straight out on a lads weekend without coming home. The kids are really missing him, especially today as he won't be home till late tonight.
Whilst he's been away I have run everything including walking the dog twice per day and working full time. I'm exhausted. When he arrives home he will expect a roast dinner and the house to be clean and tidy and his shirts etc ironed for the week.
All of this would be fine but, the last time we went out as a couple was 14 months ago for a drink at our local pub and the only meals out I get are when my parents take us out about twice a year to the local pub. I feel very depressed as my husband seems to have a great life whilst I am stuck at home saddled with debt which doesn't allow me to have fun. When he does arrive back tonight their will be washing to do, he will expect an 'early night' and I will be up at 6am to start the daily chores.
AIBU to be fed up and depressed or am I just jealous?
What would happen if you wanted to go on a girls weekend? Have you brought the issue up with him? Does he just expect all this of you while he swans off living the life of Riley?
Firstly he has gobbled up all the spare cash, there is now £300 left of our overdraft to last till the end of the month, so it would be out of the question but also the last time I went out for the day in September he made a really big deal out of it / what time was I going/ coming back etc He also did nothing for the whole day so I came home to dishes left on the table, washing not hung out etc so it just makes more work for me when I get home.
This is why women leave men. They are so bloody inconsiderate and selfish.
I'm not suprised you feel that way.
He sounds a bit of an arse tbh. What does he say when you point out he isn't much of a husband and father? Not that this should need pointing out tbh. He must know.
When I've tried to discuss it before he says he has a very stressful job and he deserves all of this as payment for how hard he works and that I don't understand how stressed he is.
No way would I be there ironing his shirts, cooking his dinner or condoning this selfish behaviour.
Treat him how he treats you. He seems to think that's fine obviously. Tell him you've had enough of his twisted priorities.
The kids are fed up too as we had booked a weekend at the coast and a weekend in France, but we can't all go now as DH will be travelling straight from work to the France one ( unless I drive myself and kids there) and coast one is too expensive for us all to go so he's just going with his mates instead. When I took kids to my parents for 5 days at Easter to give me a break he sulked for a whole month before !
"The majority of the debt stems from toys my husband has treated himself too including boats and various cars".
And what has happened to these, is he still in possession of them?.
How was the lad's weekend discussed; did he just tell you outright that he was going straight after his business trip?
What do you get out of this relationship now Cinderella, what's keeping you with this person at all?. He seems to regard you as nothing more than a housekeeper, dog walker and maid. Do you want to do your bit here to show your children this awful example of a relationship?
He either does not know or equally does not care how stressed you are.
I would not be preparing him a roast dinner for his arrival, I would instead start planning your exit from this marriage.
"When I took kids to my parents for 5 days at Easter to give me a break he sulked for a whole month before !"
Sulking is another form of control and emotional abuse. And he sulked for a month!. Your children likely behave better than he does.
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive action where a person feels bad but is unable to express themselves. Their being 'silent' is never a silent act. It generates what the sulker wants. Attention and the knowledge others are hurt. Plus a feeling of power from creating uncertainty over how long the ‘silence’ will last. Did you try and jolly him out of his sulking?
Ultimately the responsibility for any freezing out is theirs.
What do you get out of this, what is the payoff here for you?.
You're just a bloody servant!
He can fuck right off. RIGHT off. How dare he!
Sulked for a MONTH because you were going away? Not on a jolly but to your parents' - hardly living it up is it. Unlike him
Girl, ditch this tosser. Let him pay for a housekeeper he can order about and expect to pick up his trash. This is what he wants - and he expects to get it from you.
Get rid, I should
He has sold each toy and then bought a bigger one without clearing the debt.
I knew about the business trip but this weekend was supposed to be a family trip until he announced we couldn't all afford to go ( we can't) so he would go on his own with his friends.
I have to lovely kids aged 10 and 12 and a nice house but that's about it. I love my husband but don't feel loved in return. But I'm not sure it's bad enough to disrupt the kids lives. I hate confrontation and when I have tried I am ' being miserable' and he will drag the kids on to his side saying that I'm a misery.
I'm ever so sorry OP, but he sounds like a selfish arsehole. And in the nicest possible way - you're being a total doormat.
He can iron his own shirts. He can wash his own clothes. He can cook meals too. He can muck in with the housework. He can walk the dog. He can opt to not blow your family's money on boozy trips and nights out. He can spend time with his children. He can stop acting like a teenager and prioritise spending time with his family over time with 'the lads'.
He just doesn't want to do any of that, because being a man-child with a little wifey at home to pick up after him seems to suit him better. It's not 1950 anymore. Apparently, he didn't get that memo.
Why would you settle for that? Is this how you want your life to be - centered around the needs, wants and demands of a selfish little boy caught in a man's body? You work full time, take care of the house, the children and the dog. He works full time. Are you seeing the blatant difference in balance here? Exactly what is it you're getting out of this relationship, apart from the abject misery of being treated like his slave?
I honestly don't know how you haven't served him with divorce papers, OP. I would never allow a man to treat me that way. He'd be out on his arse faster than he could piss the family finances up the wall, which he seems to be doing a stellar job of doing.
He is taking the piss
You seem to have no voice in this "relationship". Fuck that shit.
It will disrupt the kids lives more to grow up thinking that this is an example of a happy relationship or that they should put up with being treated this way by a partner. Think about what you would say to any of them if they were in a relationship like this when they were older? Would you advise them to stay?
Do you want your kids to have relationships like this?
Sorry to lay it on bit that's EXACTLY what's going to happen: your girls will expect to be downtrodden wives, your boys will expect to live it up while wifey slogs away at home. For zero reward.
That is a given I'm afraid.
He sounds like he thinks he is The Person and you are The Servant; there only to keep his life running smoothly. There is a lot of them about sadly. The trouble is he's likely to get quite angry with you step out of line i.e. Start requesting fair treatment. Men like this tend to work hard to maintain the status quo and are flabbergasted and unable to accept that you're actually A Person with as many rights to a fun life and down time as them.
OP this is your one and only life, this is it and you're living it as a selfish man's servant who doesn't give a shit about your happiness. Think about that.
Genuine question - are you willing to actually do something to force a change in your circumstances, whether this change is him bucking up and sorting himself out, or you leaving?
Or are you just wanting a vent on here?
Because you do realise that there are very few women that would put up with this, don't you?
I hear you all, but I don't feel strong enough to act as it's easier to keep my head down and crack on.
When I've discussed it with my mum she tells me I'm a 'woe me' and should just get on with it for the sake of the children. So no support there.
He's just called to say he'll be home at 6 and is looking forward to a nice tidy house and his dinner. I'm now running about like a mad thing whilst helping DS with his homework. He will expect the house to look like an ikea ad
Well yes, I agree with Chic, venting away on here is fine, but you need to actually do something for things to change.
What are you going to do?
WOW and this makes me glad I'm single !
What a wonderful life you have with him .
He's adding to this debt and you are being kept indoors playing Cinderella whilst he's off earning the money he's enjoying ...
No shirts would be ironed , no early nights and no meals on the table til he stops taking you for granted . Only you can change this treatment!
What springydaffs said, with bold and double underlining.
If I was you I'd prepare a statement of account with the respective incomings and outgoings of each of you and show him on paper how much he owes you/the family through his selfish behaviour and the amount you HAVEN'T spent on you or the kids because you were busy being a responsible parent. Debts for cars and boats? Fuck that. Then draw up another statement showing the things you could've bought for the family with all that money but didn't.
XH whinged and moaned and dragged his heels about spending anything on family days out or having any kind of fun except his own utterly boring mindless hobby but when it came to buying a brand new car that he wanted, 20k just appeared from nowhere. Entitled teenage behaviour from a grown man, who fucking needs it
Holy fuck- this is tragic. He is a disgrace. He has you exactly where he wants to. Tell him you're hiring a cleaner and someone to help round the house. You work full time FGS.
I am wondering if you confuse love with something else like co-dependency. You get nothing positive from this relationship with him, what does that tell you. You want to spend the next 5 or 10 years doing the same? Your children will leave home one day (and sooner rather than later, btw they won't want to visit you that often either because life at home was and remains awful) and what then for you and this man when he is retired? He likely will not able to afford to retire and you will keep working.
Re your comment:-
"I hate confrontation and when I have tried I am ' being miserable' and he will drag the kids on to his side saying that I'm a misery".
He is manipulating the children by doing that, he does not care for them at all either.
What is so bad about divorce?.
Your childrens lives are already being disrupted; they've heard all the pointed discussions, they have seen him sulk for a month too when you were going to your parents, they have and are seeing life at home when he is there to be miserable, they are now seeing their dad bugger off with his mates for some lads weekend, they have seen their dad piss family money up the wall for him to buy himself some new car or boat.
And this is still acceptable to you on some level, why? What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up? Do you fear confrontation because you saw a lot of that as a child between your own parents?
Why would you run around to tidy up and do his dinner?!?!?!? It boggles my mind that you'd even entertain the idea!
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