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Am I in an abusive relationship?

(22 Posts)
user1466280278 Sat 18-Jun-16 21:27:51

Hi everyone, sorry it's a long thread but please stick with me, I just want a rant and some opinions smile
Okay so me and my partner have been together 8 years, have two DCs. Our relationship has been difficult, to say the least. Or rather, he's very difficult.
He's very hard work. He likes things a certain way, doesn't like to be spontaneous while having his head in the clouds (like he wants to move cities with no money and complains constantly about where he lives). He's very passionate about a few things, one of them being what he does for a living. Now this is a difficult thing to explain without potentially revealing myself so I'll just say that he doesn't earn money from it. It's basically a hobby, or what most people what do as a hobby while working in a regular job. I've always worked, and I've always paid the bills. We've had a lot of arguments over it but he will never be happy in a dead end office job so I overlook this for the sake of being supportive.
One of the other things he's passionate about is politics. And he is so pushy about it. Basically if you don't share his views you're uneducated, stupid, pathetic. And he talks about it constantly. And it's embarassing. I've had to tell people to lie, or try to avoid the subject altogether unless you want your ears chewed off until you're talked into submission. And this is pretty much our relationship. If I don't agree with him, he will argue and argue and argue until I give up. He gets so angry he punches walls, and backs me (literally) into corners. This can be anything from my view on the death penalty to who's turn it is to do the dishes.
On top of this, he's controlling over money. I hold my hands up and will admit I'm not good with money at all, but there's a part of me that can't help but be indignant. I earn it, it's my money. I feel bad having this viewpoint as there are plenty of SAHM who would be offended by this, but he's not a SAHD, I do as much, if not more, childcare than him. I'm lucky that I have a fairly well paid job, which means I get to spend the majority of days at home, and he only actually had to look after the kids by himself one day a week. I do or plan most of the outings, if I see he's stressed I'll make an effort to give him space and I don't get that luxury. We're not struggling for babysitters at all thankfully so I do get breaks but I do feel like we wouldn't need babysitters so much if he would take the kids out every so often. He's happy for me to go out in the evenings, but the majority of the time I have to put the kids to bed before I can go.
There's plenty more I could write but I don't want to bore too much, I guess I'm just feeling fed up. He does have his good points, he loves the children and plays with them and helps with homework and will cook dinner and tidies the house (another area of contention, he's utterly convinced I do naff all round the house which I can assure you is not true. It's just the standards of the house are never to his very high standards and so I often get accused of being lazy)
Thanks for readingsmile

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Jun-16 21:33:29

Yes you are in an abusive relationship. Very very definitely so.

What do you want to do?

JerryFerry Sat 18-Jun-16 21:33:59

He sounds awful and I defy anyone to be able to enjoy a life that includes him.

I would strongly recommend that you leave him as from what you say I cannot imagine he will be willing or capable of change.

nicenewdusters Sat 18-Jun-16 21:46:42

OP, from what you've written your relationship sounds exhausting. It seems that he's happy for you to live in the real world of paid work in a not very interesting job (many people) while you support him to carry out his passion. Not only is he ungrateful he's also controlling as regards the money you earn.

As for the politics, I can so sympathise. I can just see the inner teenager in him coming out, unable to have a rational discussion, just wanting to tell everyone how right he is.

You've also hinted that he's physically aggressive towards you, and argumentative, highly critical, stuck in his ways and a daydreamer.

Based upon your post he sounds like a very self-indulgent man, with high ideals and strong opinions but who can't actually translate these into every day life. He sounds frustrated and immature, and as though he is taking this out on you.

Abusive or not, it sounds like only he is thriving in the relationship. What do you get out of it ? Do you want to live the rest of your life like this ?

evelynj Sat 18-Jun-16 21:46:44


If I were you I'd go to counselling, I believe it's unlikely that he will change. I couldn't bear to be with someone like that & he clearly doesn't see you as an equal, you are arranging your life around him & putting him first. Most people would rather just do their hobbies all day without being in dead end jobs but it's not very fair on those who support us unless there's a real chance of payback in the future.

You have my sympathies but you need to assert yourself & decide what you want. Some people are so ungrateful no matter how much they have & those people are just draining to be around. That's what he sounds like to me

user1466280278 Sat 18-Jun-16 21:58:02

Exhausting is exactly the right word for him. I love him, but it's just hard. I feel like I have to either say the right thing or nothing at all to get on with day to day life.
It's partially my fault. My family don't like him for obvious reasons, but we got together young (were mid 20s now) and I felt like I had to justify my life decisions. This has almost translated for him, that his actions are justifiable.

nicenewdusters Sat 18-Jun-16 22:13:13

Please don't feel you have to stay with somebody to prove your family wrong. You said you met him when you were very young. Eight years have now passed and you have 2 children. You're probably a very different person now, and if you feel differently about him, and decide you don't want to continue, it's nobody else's business.

So you made a decision, stuck with it, but now it's not working. It's not your "fault", it's life. He is 100% at fault for making you walk on eggshells. That is not how you show your love for somebody. You say you love him, it doesn't sound like he is worthy of your love.

Have you told him how you feel, or are you too afraid. I suspect it's the latter.

For what it's worth, I doubt your family will be smug or self-righteous if you decide to leave. They'll probably be very relieved and want to support you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 18-Jun-16 22:16:38

I think you are confusing love with co-dependency. His actions towards you amount to domestic violence (punching walls, pushing you into corners, verbal abuse). And lets not forget his financial abuse of you either; many financially abusive men also abuse their chosen (yes you were targeted by him also) victim in other ways too.

This person has no idea what love is, how can you state he loves the children when he treats you as their mother so very badly?. He cares not for them either, only his own stupid self.

You now know his treatment of you now is wrong. You do not have to continue to grow flowers in the hole that you partially dug for your own self. You need instead to dig your way out.

Men like he will take you an awful long time, years even, to recover from. I would urge you to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme when you are rid of this person who is actively dragging you and your children down with him.

What do you get out of this relationship now? What has kept you in this?

Is this really the example you want to show your children for them to potentially repeat themselves as adults?. I would hope not.

Thisismyalias Sat 18-Jun-16 22:17:08

Fuck that. Sounds exhausting just reading it.

You've got a moaning cock lodger.

LoonieToony Sat 18-Jun-16 22:37:28

Have you told him how you feel? I think it's important that you answer this one. Your feelings/ his response will be very revealing.

Vickyyyy Sun 19-Jun-16 00:32:13

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. If you have to ask, usually this is the case with stuff like this. But your opening post is sad to read, you shouldn't be going through this sad

Summerlovinf Sun 19-Jun-16 07:43:05

Yes...I had one of these...I can highly recommend getting shot of him. If you've got a good job you are in a relatively strong positionm much stronger than you're seeing at the moment.

DoreenLethal Sun 19-Jun-16 07:49:48

Married? And what is the house situation?

You could get out of this by just kicking him out - if you are renting and it is your name on the lease. And tell your family they are right and you need their support to get rid of this abusive pig from your life.

SpinyCrevice Sun 19-Jun-16 07:57:45

I think you need to Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and then LTB. Not necessarily in that order.

Curviest Sun 19-Jun-16 12:38:04

This is domestic violence.

And yes, he has NPD.

user1466280278 Sun 19-Jun-16 13:06:41

Not married, but we do have a joint tenancy on a social housing property.
I don't think it'll be as easy as asking him to leave. He's well aware of the fact that he's broke, and will only be welcome to stay at his mums for a short period, unless he starts earning money. Not my problem what happens when he leaves, but if he leaves is a different issue. We've had 'breaks' before and he's been adamant that I should be the one to leave because I can afford to live by myself. But I don't want to be separated from the children any more than he does. I would rather be unhappy than not live with them.
I would hope that a reasonable conversation would equal a reasonable break up but there's a part of me too afraid to try in case he tries to make me leave.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 19-Jun-16 13:09:22


I had a very similar experience: got together while very young, financially supported him with my serious job while he pissed about, he controlled day-to-day things like what I could eat, I did all the home and social organising and obviously bill-paying, he called me names and swore at me, he punched holes into walls and doors under my nose when he was angry with me, I fixed them, he pushed me against walls, and when I disagreed with his strongly held political positions he told me it was a "betrayal" that justified his violence.

He would also tell me he loved me and that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. For a long time, I needed that more than I needed to live free from abuse. Until finally he pushed me too far, and I gathered the courage to leave. It had to get pretty serious for me to wake up (I was pregnant, he got violent, I miscarried.)

I can only hope that you don't let things get any worse on your own journey. You deserve so much better than this. And you will cope beautifully without him.

mummytime Sun 19-Jun-16 13:23:39

If he isn 't earning then why don't you and the children leave? Then he can pay his own rent.
Contact the landlord and get yourself taken off the tenancy.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 19-Jun-16 14:10:27

Yes, he's abusive. Without a doubt.

"He's very passionate about a few things, one of them being what he does for a living. Now this is a difficult thing to explain without potentially revealing myself so I'll just say that he doesn't earn money from it."

How can he do something "for a living" if he doesn't make any money from it? You're the one who does something for a living and keeps a roof over all of your heads. He's just a bloody parasite.

I get it, he's much too delicate a flower and far too precious and important to demean himself in some boring 9 to 5 form of wage-slavery while you have to do it instead. Cocklodgeryness to the nth degree. Really, how fucking dare he?

You earn the money so you have far more choices than he does.

Please make plans to get shot of him!

SpinyCrevice Mon 20-Jun-16 10:24:05

You sound amazingly mature for mid twenties and this duffer is going to hold you back big time in your life OP. You are far too bright to stick with him. He's a right numpty!

Namechanger2015 Mon 20-Jun-16 10:40:06

So pleased to hear that you are not married to this awful bully.

Can you transfer the tenancy into your name only and then ask him to leave?

alleykitten Mon 20-Jun-16 10:50:28

Get him out. If you're doing the lion's share of childcare and stuff around the house the tenancy is yours. Talk to your family about it. You will be surprised at how supportive and relieved they are likely to be. They will have observed this and worried about it and opening up to them is a major step forward. You are have a good support network by the sounds of it and life will be so much happier and calmer without him there. Don't waste your youth with this nasty parasite.

Talk to family or WA for advice on practicalities. Work out how to talk about it, what you will say/do if he refuses to leave, and get a family member or friend to be there for the conversation if you're worried about it. If he is prepared to be violent this is the point where you need to be most careful. If he suddenly shows remorse after a week or so of living at his mum's, which he will do, don't fall for it. He has had eight years to act like a decent human being and has chosen not to do that.

He may try suggesting he comes to look after the children in the family home. Be warned: it's a way back in. It's an opportunity to set some boundaries so make sure you do.

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