Something weird is happening to me.

[Karmicgeelovething]

The last year has been eventful. Lots of outside stressy stuff, I ended a very toxic relationship, got my depression treated, cut out caffeine and booze pretty much totally, and I've kind of hibernated. I'm calmer and happier than I've been for years. I sleep great, I enjoy things I had forgotten. But, I've noticed I'm letting my personal appearance go. It's just of no importance to me, nor is exercise, healthy eating etc. I should be concerned. I've got two huge holes in my teeth and yet I can't be arsed to go to the dentist. I hate brushing them. I used to get my hair done professionally every 6 weeks like clockwork. Now I've got terrible roots and look bad! I don't like washing and showering, and even though I used to be a big style fan, now I'm content to hole up in my old pj's. I've piled weight on too.
It's like I'm avoiding any physical discomfort whatsoever, and turning into a mess in the process!

What the heck is happening?

[Wolfiefan]

This sounds like the depression TBH. When I'm depressed I pile on weight and can't be bothered to do all the things I know I should.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Maybe your ADs are affecting you in other ways as well as treating the depression?

[Karmicgeelovething]

Wolfie I'm not downhearted and anxious and negative like I was.

[Karmicgeelovething]

Thumbwitch these behaviours might be a side effect of the drugs?

[Wolfiefan]

But you aren't "you"! I am always negative and anxious. Sometimes I can't face brushing my teeth or dressing up.

[Wolfiefan]

Bollocks! Bloody phone.
I'm NOT always negative!
Depression presents in different ways.
How long have you been on meds?

[Karmicgeelovething]

Been on them about 6 months. I think I feel more me than I have done in a long time. But what if the real me is just really scruffy?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

OP were you having your hair done and other personal care based on need to look good for your ex? Maybe it's a rebellion of sorts now that you are out of it?

[Karmicgeelovething]

Personal rebellion? You could be on to something there. I was nagged CONSTANTLY about my appearance, amongst other things.

I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face though a bit aren't I?

[thedogdaysareover]

Sounds to me like you have got change fatigue. You've made many important decisions for the better, but sometimes this comes with a cost. You say you feel more calm and happy than ever, but that you are hibernating. Do you feel like the hibernating is a good thing, or an avoidance of people and their shit the outside world? I'm not saying hibernating is a bad thing, and if the world will not completely fall to pieces if you do that for a while, then do that for a while. Do you have any dependent children, OH etc?

Avoiding the dentist isn't a great idea, but by the time I went last year it had been 19 years. I had a bad time of it last year too, so I can understand this, I wasn't looking after myself at all, piling on weight. I somehow got myself in hand because I am an adult and I have to, and now I am back to feeling more pride in myself. I had spent so much time on other people that it didn't occur to me that I had a duty to myself. I started seeing myself as my own project (Project Me). I treated myself like a child "Now you will have a bath", "Now you will exfoliate and rub almond oil into yourself", "Now you will put on nice clean pyjamas".

Do you feel any gentleness or compassion for yourself OP? Please try to nurture yourself. It is important, not for vanity but for feeling alive and like you matter.

I have never been on AD's though, but it could be side-effects. Have you spoken to your doctor?

[thedogdaysareover]

Oooh, rebellion, that could be it. Self-sabotage.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

It's possible that the drugs could be slowing you down so you don't react to usual impetuses the same way.
I've had a couple of friends who, when the dose of their ADs has been wrong, have felt like they're moving through treacle on a daily basis, and it makes everything seem too much like hard work. Changing the dose has made a big difference to them.

So it's possible that the drugs might need re-assessing for suitability - go back to your GP and tell them what you've said here, see what they say.

[Karmicgeelovething]

dogdays the hibernation feels like it comes from a place of self care. My clean pj's are folded on the radiator, my bedroom is lovely, etc. Physical self care seems to be just too intrusive somehow! It's hard to explain. I don't want my hair cut because I don't want to be touched. I don't want to physically feel anything except warm and cosy!
And yes I've had enough of other people's shit and have distanced myself.
I like the idea of taking myself in hand though - "now brush your teeth" instead of lying there thinking "I'm comfy, I don't want to move."

[Karmicgeelovething]

Yes I have a husband and children. I do feel slightly slowed down but it's a change from feeling like my brain absolutely would not stop whirring 24/7.

[babyboomersrock]

what if the real me is just really scruffy?

Then that would be fine, but your health is a different matter. You can be as scruffy as you like but you still need to take care of yourself - so speak to your GP about this (and make a dental appointment before you end up in pain).

[firesidechat]

A relative is on medication due to mental illness which is far more serious than depression, so this may be irrelevant. They are actually better able to look after themselves when they aren't being medicated than when they are. On the drugs they don't wash themselves or change their clothes and are very "dampened down". I know it's not quite the same, but it is possibly a side effect of the drugs.

[thedogdaysareover]

Well just do what you need to do I think, then. Perhaps because you've been nitpicked your whole life about your appearance you are just taking a stand. Maybe you are scruffy, really. Scruffy is fine but if it gets into filthy scrote territory I tend to have a word with myself. But then I am a bit of a hypocrite because I am in work right now and I can count three separate stains on my white t shirt, that I have covered up by putting another shirt on top of it. NICE.

I know where you're coming from with the touching. I cut my own hair. Maybe this time should be enjoyed and not examined too much. I don't know really. I needed to be away from people too, until I figured out how I was going to go out into the world again and not be emotionally abused by like, everyone, or so I felt.

If you feel it is self-care then it is self-care. I hate this obsession with being busy or being out, but I tend not to take it to extremes like I once did.

[ThinkPinkStink]

far more serious than depression

In-ter-est-ing... I wonder what could be more serious than a disease that is arguably the primary killer for people aged 20-34 in the UK...

[Karmicgeelovething]

Thinkpinkstain - easy tiger! I have a relative with very badly controlled schizophrenia, paranoia and terrible self harming tendencies. I don't think the post was a dig or minimalisation of depression.

[ThinkPinkStink]

Sorry for the quick draw karmic ... I lost my first boyfriend to depression and (22 years later) perceived minimisation still smarts a bit, I realise I'm a bit quick to jump to that conclusion.

I'll stand down (sorry, also, to hijack!)

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

I've experienced this and I do think in my case it was rebellion. Occasionally thinking 'fuck you, teeth police, I'm not cleaning mine tonight so there!'

And the clothes and hair thing too sometimes. Just being a bit self-indulgent and thinking 'fuck you, school run parents, no I did not wash my hair this morning, so what? Don't care what you think!'

Then later the same week I swing to wanting to be a 'together' person with lots of self care and pride, so I vow to wash and style hair every morning...

OP I would allow yourself some time to work out what's important to YOU in terms of your appearance and take it from there. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. But do get your teeth looked at, cos that will just get painful and costly the longer you leave it! That's a must have not nice to have self care

[Karmicgeelovething]

Oh yes fuck you school run! Fuck your straightened hair! Fuck your Boden and your swishy ponytail!

Have emailed my dentist to make an appointment. Still got bad roots though.

[thedogdaysareover]

WELL DONE YOU! :)

fuck your fucking roots :)

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

OP I think maybe you're coming to the realisation that you don't have to prove yourself to anyone that's such a nice place to have arrived at

I say go with it for now and just think about and learn what's important to you, and allow yourself to settle into a happy medium with these things.

Some days you might have a swishy ponytail but that's the days when YOU feel like it, and some days you'll have messy hair and a big jumper, because you had more important things to worry about that day, and ultimately it won't matter because you have nothing you need to prove to anyone

[Vagabond]

This might seem a bit deep but if you've come out of a toxic relationship, perhaps you just don't want to present yourself as attractive so as no to attract men - because you just want to be alone and happy and content by yourself.
I've read some interesting articles about people who intentionally become overweight so as to deflect things they don't want. It could be male attention. Or in one case (the reason I looked it up and tried to find out about it) - a person who is very close to me who was a senior VP with a major corporate who was sooooo stressed out. She was in line for a more senior job and just kept piling on the weight, knowing that the weight gain would exclude her from the job. She went from a senior VP at 60kg to 120kg and I am almost sure she did it unconsciously because she couldn't bear the stress that a promotion would cause her.
In many cases, self-neglect is reflexively self-protective. (I'm so vile, nobody will want me, ergo - rejection in inevitable so why bother trying).