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Rant about DH(20 Posts)
I don't know who to talk to about this in rl. Ever since our second baby came along (three months ago), my DH has become pretty useless and I don't know what to do about it.
When I was pregnant, I was made to feel like I was moaning when I complained that I was tired (working ft with a 3 yo toddler) or achey.
During the birth, he was almost like a bystander. He had hurt his ankle so wasn't really much help and far from the wonderfully supportive birth partner that he was the first time around. I understand that it must have been hard for him but he has never once told me hat he regrets not being able to be more supportive.
When people visited after DD arrived, he would go on and on about how much pain he was in. Visitors would joke about how it was nothing compared to the pain I was in. It upsets me that he wouldn't say how well I did, like everyone else's DHs seem to do.
During the early days of feeding, we had support from a lactation consultant. I wanted DH to watch so he could help me with latching technique later but he was so uninterested. I think the lactation consultant was embarrassed for me, he was so detached.
A few days after giving birth, I was desperate for some water while I was feeding and asked him for some. He got me a cup and tried to feed me and poured some of it down me and the baby. It's like he does a shit job on purpose so I don't ask him again.
I ask him to do a dream feed and every evening it's like I'm asking him to move mountains for me. I have to get the bottle prepared for him, I'm not sure why he isn't capable of doing it himself. Then he moans about he flow of the bottle (it's absolutely fine and the baby takes it happily). So I end up thinking it's easier to do it myself.
I can't remember the last time he changed a nappy. He rarely settles the baby for naps. He pretty much exclusively relies on the television to look after our toddler.
Now I'm on maternity leave, I do all of the cooking, laundry, Bill paying, organising weekends, remembering birthdays, etc. He says things like "what have we got planned this weekend" like I'm his personal events organiser. I even had to buy my own Mother's Day present.
He literally comes in after work once both girls are in bed (which is fucking impossible at the moment) and sits there and watches me cook. He does do the washing up in the morning and sort out the 3yo for nursery but that's probably it.
He does help out at the weekend but he forever moans about how tired he is and will go off for a nap in the middle of the day. It drives me up the fucking wall, there is always something wrong with him.
He has had several nights out after work this week - client networking is part of his job so I understand he has to go but on one occasion, he came back so drunk and was even more useless the next day. That happened to coincide with the baby having an awful night's sleep and the toddler being poorly so that day was particularly bad.
I'm just not happy. He used to be such a wonderful father and husband. It's almost like the novelty has worn off and he's not as interested now. I feel unloved and totally taken advantage of.
To top it all off, it's Father's Day tomorrow so the expectation is that we sing his praises all day. He had a terrible relationship with his father so I'm not sure if it's an appropriate time to raise all this with him.
I've tried being more direct - saying "I'm going to take ten minutes, can you do X" but he huffs and puffs about it like I should be grateful for his "help".
So I'm pissed off. I've left him with both children for a couple of hours or so but I feel like I need to go away for a day (tricky while bf) so he truly understands how difficult it is when one child needs you when you're busy with the other.
Who is being the dick here? Sometimes I wonder if I'm not being kind enough to him but honestly I am so drained, there's no compassion left.
Man-child surfaces yet again. Couldn't read and run and feel your pain OP. Have you spoken with him about how you feel?
There are some MNers on here that will give you some excellent advice but when I was in your position I just asked myself what would life be like in another 10, 20, 30 years' time?
Sending to you.
Urgh. Just reading that made me exhausted.
So in summary, he has absolutely no good points or endearing qualities.
He's a selfish prick. You poor thing, you must be knackered. It's obvious from your post you're not happy.
Your girls will grow up thinking it's okay for them to choose a shit, lazy man for a partner.
Something has to give here, either he starts pulling his weight or he leaves.
You've got enough work with two kids, you don't need any more.
Op the way he is treating you is cruel and unfair.
In an ideal world I would suggest some time where you and him have a sit down, no distractions, and you outline that you feel taken for granted and that you feel he has given you a distinct lack of support through your pregnancy and birth and the last 10 weeks. Allow him a chance to a dress these and see if there is an underlying issue with him (stress/finances/work?) However I understand that's hard with 2 small dc.
Aw op I hope someone better than me can come along with some more helpful advice
It sounds like he is turning into his dad. Maybe you should point that out to him.
"He does help out at the weekend".
You have to change your use of words here too. He is not helping you, at most he is doing his share.
I think that would pretty much destroy him Ateco, if I said he was turning into his father. By all accounts, he was a physically abusive, philandering alcoholic.
I've tried raising this with him but he gets so defensive. He says things like "well I'm sorry you feel that way but I can't help how you feel". Not exactly productive language and I end up more pissed off than I started.
DH at his best is kind, thoughtful and hilarious. We laugh together, talk about things other than the children. Right now, I can't see any of those things.
You're right about the use of the term "help".
I wonder whether there is a stress issue here. He has a high pressured job which he is very good at. I suppose the loss of my salary is a concern - I earn more than him but only just.
I'm wondering whether couples counselling is worth a shot. An open forum to discuss where we can both talk without things escalating.
Is there any chance at all he might be seeing someone else? This change of behaviour, detachment and good excuse for lots of work nights out would raise my suspicions.
I don't think he is having an affair. I have access to the statements for the credit card he uses to pay for the events so they are happening. I also know a few of the people he works with as friends.
I said that about turning into his father, because when we don't pay attention that is what happens, we act like our parents. If our parents were good, as is for the best, but otherwise...
I had a toxic grandmother living at home while I was growing up and at one point I realised that I was behaving like her and miraculously with the realisation I stopped that behaviour.
Next time he says this "Well, I can't help how you feel" reply with "Actually you can but you're continually choosing not to. And eventually I will give up trying to explain how I feel, not bother, and our relationship will end. So this is your heads up so that you can never say that I didn't try. And I will do this because I am worth more thought than a fucking skivvy".
I could've written your post myself op- DH was great the first time round but useless the second and she's now 2! I tried taking a step back waiting for him to realise things needed doing but he just left them- got to the point where there was no clean dishes to eat off of!
My DH decided to leave me a couple of months ago because I nag too much and put the children before him (sounds childish because he is a child it would seem) he finally moved out last Sunday and on Tuesday my 8 year old told me I seek much happier and am more fun!
I let his uselessness rumble on for too long, I did everything and made excuses for his bad attitude- he had a terrible childhood, he has anxiety and depression. All the while I was exhausted and he was just sat on his bum.
You need to confront him with it and if he says well if that's the way you feel you can tell him straight that yes that is the way you feel and he has made you feel this way.
Tell him you should be a team, thag being on maternity leave does not make you a slave to the household, he should do his fair share.
Once he's home from work there's nothing stopping him from cooking you dinner for a change and certainly at the weekends he should do more.
If you don't talk to him about it now you may end up resenting him and that's very difficult to get past
Neither of your sound happy, do you ever have nice time together that you enjoy?
Could you try to have some alone time together to chat and be yourselves and have fun?
I have felt the same at times, and the more assertive I became the more pissed off DH became- cause I was being arsey and it wasn't a good technique. I decided I wanted to stay with him cause 75% of stuff was fun and good. So I decicded that I'd not always cook- if he didn't he could get a take away, the standard in the house would drop cause I don't want to do everything. Also with the kids you need to go out more, even if its just a couple of hours on a saturday and build it up, don't stop of he'll start thinking he can't do it at all. Ignore the moaning or slag it off in a jokey way. My DH moans about EVERYTHING and it drives me mad but it's just the way he is and it's his problem. I'm not responsible for his happiness.
Try reading I love you but I'm not in love with you and see if you can find a way to communicate better, you're meant to be a team and friends and something is not working there.
I just wouldn't put up with this- I would have to ask why he wasn't pulling his weight. Have you sat down and had a frank and honest exchange of views, because I think that's what's needed.
I think part of the problem is your attitude. You are rewarding his bad behaviour. The way you write about the situation is full of an attitude that he is your boss.
He huffs and puffs. So? Ignore it. Don't reduce your requests because of it. Up them if anything so he gets used to it.
He doesn't like the dream feed. So? He still does it. Ignore the huffs. Don't reward him with making the damn bottle for him! The whining about the bottle. So? "Get new bottles if you want love"
You cook while he watches. Fuck that. "Here, you cook sweetie." Then you don't cook no matter how much he huffs.
He has a nap. OK. Immediately afterwards you have a nap. You don't ask for a nap. You do what he does. You want a nap, you take a nap. Or you just randomly have a nap when you think he's about to steal one himself.
You absolutely should not have bought your own Mothers Day present. You should have looked expectantly at him when there was nothing and made him squirm with guilt and embarrassment. He'd never do it again.
Constant moaning is a killer. I tend to be direct with that one. "Everything you said in the last hour has been a complaint or some other kind of downer. It is doing my head in. Stop it please." Do not be the bouncy cheerleader who is perma-perky in response to the grumbles.
Then again, you have been training him that you will reward moaning with reduced responsibilities, reduced decision making, all kinds of cool opt-outs actually. It also reinforces that you see childcare and household management as your responsibility, it is entirely optional for him. If your actions say it is optional for him in your eyes, why would he think differently?
Agree with RunRabbit and Enfru's posts.
I also think you should NOT do anything for Father's Day tomorrow. If he dares to mention the lack of card or present remind him that you bought your own this year. Also echo "Well, I can't help how you feel".
God the huffing us soooooo unattractive!
Why do they do it? Moan huff winge nap??
Drives me bonkers.
Thank you all for your comments.
Rabbit you are right. I have been letting him off because of his moaning and huffing. No more.
There is no reason to feel like he is the "boss" - if anything, I am the one that runs the household so shouldn't feel this way.
This is all very recent behaviour so I hope I have caught it before it takes hold.
This thread galvanised me into action and we had a chat tonight.
He said that he fees that he can't do anything right so it's easier for me to do it. The example he gave was getting the 3yo dressed in the morning and the fact that I always pick out different clothes. The reason I do that is because he chooses inappropriate clothes, e.g. a jumper and tracksuit bottoms on a hot day, or scruffy clothes on a day when she had photos being taken. It's like he has stopped thinking because I do the thinking for him.
I said that I would be more direct in asking him to do things and he agreed. And I acknowledge that I need to stop being such a control freak about the little things. We also agreed that he cooked a few times a week. This evening, he has settled both children when they woke and made me dinner.
So let's see how things go. I would like my good natured husband back. Before we had our second child, he was fun - we laughed a lot which made T
Whoops, hadn't finished.
We laughed a lot which made the more challenging times of parenting easier to bear.
Thanks for all your advice.
Definitely stop the controlling thing! How's he going to learn if you step in and take over? Imagine how you'd feel if he, or anyone else, did that to you?
He seems to have put you in "mum" role - lets you get on with being the adult while he acts like one of the kids.
Yes he's going to need some direction, but after that let him get on with it. So the DC get photos taken wearing scruffy clothes - so what? Will they look any less cute?
My DH turns it round to him - it's as though he can't see what's important - I. e he thinks about the little person he's dealing with - same as he gets himself dressed for summer why not think about what the kids might wear?
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