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Confused about two FWBs!

(43 Posts)
healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 12:07:05

So here's the situation I'm in:
I met a guy at a bar a couple of months ago, I was extremely drunk and he was a complete gentleman, helping me out and looking after me, and not taking advantage of me at all. I thought that he'd forget about me, but I got a text the next day asking to meet up, and after a couple of dates, we slept together. It was after this that he told me that he didn't want anything serious, and he as he was just visiting my town, he didn't want to start a long-distance relationship. I felt a bit downhearted, as I thought that me and this guy could really have something special, and that he just wanted to see me for sex.

After feeling a bit rejected, I went out to the same bar again, and met someone else, as I was feeling a little vulnerable, I went home with a man from the bar. I thought I would never see the second man again, but he invited me back to his house the next week, and we've been hooking up about once a week ever since. There's nothing serious here, he is an FWB and nothing more. I'm quite happy with this situation, as, while I like him as a person and in the bedroom, neither of us want a relationship with each other, and we can both get satisfaction without the pressures of being one another's partner.

However, a couple of weeks ago, the first guy texted me saying that he was visiting my city for the summer, and that it would be great to meet up again. I agreed, as I realised that I still had some feelings for this guy, and we've been on a couple of dates since then, and slept together twice. Again, he reiterated the fact that he doesn't want a relationship, and while I'm happy to be FWB with the other guy, this guy seems special, and I'm not sure that I can be with him and hide my true feelings. I should also mention that I would be willing to stop meeting up with the second guy if I was in a relationship with the first.

Obviously I must seem very hypocritical, as I am very happy to just sleep with the second guy no strings attached, and yet I am expecting more from the first guy. This is making me consider what I actually want from a relationship, and whether I'm treating sex as something less than it is. Ever since the first guy rejected me, I have been sleeping around, and while I recognise that that could be dangerous, I just cant stop. it's as if I need to feel attached to something after being rejected.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense or is confusing to you, I'm just as confused, and I don't know what to do or think!

Summerlovinf Sat 18-Jun-16 12:10:29

The first guy wants sex when he's in your town. The second guy wants regular sex. What do you want?

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 12:13:10

I'm not sure what I want. I have more feelings and attachment for the first guy, but I don't want to get rid of the second guy as I like the casual, regular sex!

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 12:13:22

Message withdrawn, duplicate post.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 18-Jun-16 12:16:49

By your own admission you have been sleeping around.

If I were you, I'd take a step back and work out what it is you want.

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 12:19:19

I know that's probably what I should do, but I cant seem to stop myself from falling for the first guy, and just hooking up with the second. Thank you for your advice anywaysmile

loobyloo1234 Sat 18-Jun-16 12:21:58

OP - look at what you have written. I think you need to have a long hard think about what it is that you want. Neither guy is committed to you. And yes, fun in the short term, but with first guy especially, this sounds likely it'll end in tears unless you break it off.

I think you're looking for some kind of affection after feeling rejected by first guy - you are not likely to find it sleeping around confused

Oysterbabe Sat 18-Jun-16 12:24:05

You need to distance yourself from the first guy. You can't have fwb when feelings are involved.

Summerlovinf Sat 18-Jun-16 12:27:45

Fist guy is not interested in a relationship. Second guy might be and he might well dump you if you start shagging first guy again and he finds out.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 18-Jun-16 12:27:53

What is the point in falling for him when he's not interested, you will only end up hurting yourself.

If you want a relationship then bin the two of them and concentrate on yourself.

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 12:34:28

You're all right, every time I see the first guy I mean to break it off, but I just cant. Also, he is very very sweet, and if I ever mention trying to stop seeing him, he'll twist the conversation round to us meeting up again. I should also mention that the second guy knows that I am sleeping around and he doesn't mind.

loobyloo1234 Sat 18-Jun-16 12:37:03

Block him healriri - he is taking advantage of you. Cmon girl, you're better than this

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 12:39:34

Looby I needed to hear that, thankssmile One of the reasons I sleep around is that I'm so anxious that no one will want me, so when the opportunity arises I feel like I have to, as it's a fluke that someone actually finds me attractive confused

RebelRogue Sat 18-Jun-16 12:41:11

If you have feelings for him then he's not really a FWB. You'll eventually end up hurt. Since you actually seem to want a relationship,dump them both and find a guy that wants that too.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 18-Jun-16 12:43:43

Well of course the first guy wins you around, he wants to have sex when he's in town. It's somewhere to stay too.

He may have a partner back home.

Second guy doesn't care who you sleep with because he doesn't care about you.

I say this in the nicest possible way.

RebelRogue Sat 18-Jun-16 12:44:34

Just read ur latest post. Disregard my previous advice. Stay away from them both,actually stay away from men completely and work on yourself and your self esteem first. You don't owe shit to anyone! Sex is not a currency offered in exchange for companionship,appreciation etc. You deserve are worth more.

forumdonkey Sat 18-Jun-16 12:49:06

I've been in a similar situation. Not long after I got divorced I had a FWB, guy 1,which worked for me because I didn't want a relationship. I then met guy number 2, again because of my children it was a FWB arrangement, then things changed and we went on to be in a relationship and things became emotional.

After a few years together the relationship finished and I did see FWB number 1 again and it was great fun and he is a great guy and a friend - nothing more. Guy number 2 has got in touch since our split, but I know unless he wanted a relationship, I couldn't go back to a FWB arrangement like we first had because there are too many feelings and emotions involved now.

My advice to you (and myself), is walk away now, there are feelings involved and you will end up getting hurt. He's been honest with you and said he doesn't want a relationship with you and in your heart of hearts you know you would if he asked you to, but he doesn't. Enjoy your fun with guy 2 and walk away from the heartache guy 1 will cause if you continue to see him.

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 13:02:27

What you're all saying it very true, but easier said than done! What i have with the first guy is more than just sex, we have deep conversations that I cant have with my friends or family. However, I do know deep down, that there is no future to this.
With the second guy, he is very sweet to me, and I think that if I proposed a relationship then he would consider it. The only thing is that we can't have conversations, as he cannot speak English, and even with my semi-fluent Spanish, we can't have intelligent conversations.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 18-Jun-16 13:05:35

You are worth so much more op, you really are.

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 13:13:02

Oddsocksgalore Thank you for saying that, it means a lot. I think that all of us forget to tell ourselves that once in a while. It just seems as if the only way that I can feel worth something is if someone finds me attractive and wants to sleep with me confused

Hissy Sat 18-Jun-16 13:19:14

Can we stop the sleeping around bullshit?

1- from posters, ftfo with your judgment, anyone can sleep with anyone if they want to. The 'around' word is nasty.

2- op, you too. You are not doing anything wrong, except if it makes you unhappy.

I think bloke 1 sounds like it's a fast lane to you getting hurt. So be strong, say no and block him. He doesn't seemingly care about your feelings in this, he's not respecting you at all.

Bloke 2 - sounds like it's physical only, a bit of fun, surface and lightweights.

If it makes you feel good, go for it, if it stops making you feel good, stop it.

If your this confused about it all, then it might help to have a break from dating full stop and learning to see that you are good enough for yourself and anyone else and that's the final word.

It's easier to believe when you're as old as me, what others think of me doesn't matter. But that kind of self acceptance would be FAR more bloody useful at 25 (when I was prone to making stooopid decisions) to now when careering towards 50 and I'm flaming invisible.

Hissy Sat 18-Jun-16 13:20:28

You ARE attractive. But to believe this, you have to look at yourself and accept the you that you are.

She is lovely, intelligent and fun to be with. That's clear.

Believe in yourself.

loobyloo1234 Sat 18-Jun-16 13:23:18


You do realise the OP in her first post stated - 'Ever since the first guy rejected me, I have been sleeping around' That is where it has come from and why others have mentioned it

healriri Sat 18-Jun-16 14:04:28

Hissy Thanks for saying that, you're right about Bloke 2, he does make me feel good about myself, I'm just worried about feeling like a hooker!

Hissy Sat 18-Jun-16 14:13:51

There are esteem issues at play here, feeding into it and not challenging self defeating language is wrong


Bloke 2 is making you feel good, so enjoy yourself and take it for what it is. Keep things simple and fun. If it stops being in, end it. You are free to do what you want. He is free too, and it suits you both.

You're not doing his because you have to, you're not taking money, you're not selling yourself, you're not lying or cheating, you're just having fun.

Be happy with yourself and your decisions. I think in time you will be more comfortable, and if you aren't, end it.

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