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DP just came on to me. I practically ran away.

(20 Posts)
AtALoss2016 Sat 18-Jun-16 10:54:18

My DP and I haven't had sex in 18 months. I think he'd have liked to but I just haven't wanted to. It's not sex - I do want sex. I love him. I just don't want to have sex with him. He's changed a lot physically and I'm just not attracted to him. He's a lovely man, such a good daddy to our boys. I feel so guilty.

I know the conversation is coming, but I'm dreading it. I know this can't go on.

This morning he came on to me, for the first time in ages - the issue generally gets avoided. I pretty much ran for it. Now I'm sitting downstairs shaking. He must feel so crap, and I feel like such a bitch.

Not sure why I'm posting, I just feel so trembly and scared.

AtALoss2016 Sat 18-Jun-16 10:54:49

Sorry that should've said "it's not my sex drive" not "it's not sex".

velourvoyageur Sat 18-Jun-16 12:00:57

I really feel for you both. I think you need to tell him how you feel or it'll drag on with both of you growing apart.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 18-Jun-16 12:03:52

Is this the end of the road?

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?

I think this would be it for me. It's a horrid situation all round.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 18-Jun-16 12:12:34

Let him go so that you can both find someone that makes you happy.

Your right, he probably doesn't feel great.

Imbroglio Sat 18-Jun-16 12:13:40

Do you think its just the physical changes or is there something else going on?

If its physical, what has changed?

Also, do you actually spend time together just as a couple - could you think about making some child free time for yourselves to reconnect?

gamerchick Sat 18-Jun-16 12:20:47

I can understand the physical attraction but intimacy with a long term partner is more than that. Do you get any bonding time?

Terrifiedandregretful Sat 18-Jun-16 16:13:08

We were the same. Best friends but no physical attraction. We have split up and are finding it tough as we miss each other so much, but also feel a glimmer of hope that sexually fulfilling relationships are open to us. Dd is 2 and we wanted to split before she got much older , but I still consider going back daily. Sorry no answers but I've been there and it's awful.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 18-Jun-16 16:29:01

Poor bloke - let him go, and find someone who wants to be with him

PerspicaciaTick Sat 18-Jun-16 16:45:02

Sometimes, when couples haven't had sex for a long while, it takes a while to rebuild intimacy slowly before finally getting around to actual sex.

Are you interested in becoming intimate again? Or do you think that this is the end of the line for your relationship?

HandyWoman Sat 18-Jun-16 16:51:39

Do you think this is the end, OP? Cos I reckon when you know, you know...

Must be a terrifying situation, but if you avoid confronting it then the marriage will only die anyway.

Best to be brave and try to retain the friendship??

sad for you, time to be brave and confront this head on.

Becky546 Sat 18-Jun-16 17:14:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blitheringbuzzards1234 Sat 18-Jun-16 17:16:52

Oh dear. Lots of marriages go through a 'dry patch' IYKWIM. In our busy lives it gets put on the back burner - too often, you get out of the habit.
A fundamental difference between the sexes - it is said that women need to feel loved to want sex but men need sex to feel loved. Is it possible to 'pretend' that you want to reciprocate? If a man goes without sex for too long he's more likely to stray. Do you want to stay married? If all else is good within your marriage it would be sad to let it go just because of this.

Gatekeeper Sat 18-Jun-16 17:18:55

This happened to me only it was a much longer gap- several years in fact and I felt almost revolted by it. He had changed also- huge weight gain and didn't go in for washing much or cleaning his teeth or doing anything around the house whilst I worked and had a long commute. we ended up living in the same house but seperate rooms etc

He came on to me clumsily one New Years Eve and I felt sick- left him six months later

QueenLaBeefah Sat 18-Jun-16 17:28:47

Probably would be best to separate.

SandyY2K Sat 18-Jun-16 18:51:23

Has he gained weight?
Or lost hair?

Is it something he can change or is there no way back?

If it's the latter then you need to be honest with him and end things.

Right now you're just coparenting and living together. You can find a man you want sexually and he can do the same.

Either that or an open marriage.

AtALoss2016 Sat 18-Jun-16 19:01:25

Yes, it's a weight gain thing. He's several stone overweight. But it's not just that. I feel like we're done - our interests have diverged, all we have in common is our history and our boys. Intimacy just feels kind of wrong, brother/sisterly. I know it's time to end it, and it's coming. It's just about plucking up the courage. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I have to: I have to cause a lot of pain to a really good, kind man. It's horrible.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to waste your time. I was just venting. Sometimes it helps to say things out loud.

blitheringbuzzards1234 Sun 19-Jun-16 08:07:29

You needed to vent, to try and make sense of things so at a loss, you haven't wasted our time so don't beat yourself up about that. Maybe he feels the same way? It's sad if a marriage has to end and of course you feel terrible about hurting him but in a situation like this it's inevitable. Whatever the outcome hopefully you can remain on friendly terms.

Isetan Sun 19-Jun-16 08:22:47

Not hurting him is an excuse because you're hurting him now, this is just cowardice. It's time to have the conversation and either work towards recapturing what has been lost or to end things. If you love him as much as you say you do, then stop treating him like his feelings don't matter.

Mishaps Sun 19-Jun-16 08:33:27

I can understand that the weight gain might be a turn off for you - some women are put off by this.

You really have two choices here: go all out to rekindle the physical side of your relationship (?couples therapy as a part of that); or decide that you need to part. It may be that if you sit down and properly talk about this you can find a good solution. Some people do live in sexless marriages, and that is fine - as long as the choice is mutual. But i you both want a sex life, then you may finish up having to part.

The most important thing is to try and do all of this amicably, retaining respect for each other, but just recognising that your needs are different. If it degenerates into a slanging match with accusations of being too fat or whatever, then this will not help one bit. Neither of you is "wrong" in any way - just different.

It is a dilemma for you both and I wish you luck in trying to find solutions.

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