When to stop all contact for young DC's.

[Sameoldnewname]

Will try and make very long story short without leaving out any crucial details….
Met exP 14 years ago, have 2 DCs (now 4&6). We'd been growing apart since DC2 born and I moved out with DC's about 6 months ago. Although it was initially his request to separate, he then refused to discuss any aspect of separation other than to confirm “we’re over”. I hung in for a while hoping he'd see things were repairable but after a while I did emotionally detach myself and was glad to be out in the end.

Just before I left it became obvious that he was drinking a lot more than i’d realised. After I left his mental health plummeted, and fuelled by huge volumes of alcohol he managed to trigger a chain of events that almost killed him. After a stay in hospital he returned home,seemed to be doing reasonably well and I have done everything I can to both support him and to start to rebuild his relationships with DCs. Two weeks ago he started to behave a bit “oddly” again and - no suprise - it turns out he's drinking again. A lot. Putting his life in danger levels.

I desperately want him to get treatment for all his issues and be able to have a healthy, consistent, relationship with DCs.... but ultimately I need to look after & protect them, and preserve my own sanity.

So…. At what point does it become appropriate to stop all contact for DCs when alcohol & mental health are concerned? And at what point would you consider re-establishing ?

Was tempted to post in aibu for higher traffic but don't think I'm up to taking some of the likely responses, so please be gentle

[MajesticWhine]

What a grim sitauation for you. Its definitely tempting to stop all contact. Having an alcoholic parent is a risk factor for all kinds of future emotional problems. Is he unreliable or unsafe with your kids? Could he be made to prove he is sober and be not left in sole charge i.e. supervised contact? Would you need some kind of court order to enforce no contact? Sorry no experience but

[Sameoldnewname]

He is currently not safe - puts food on & falls asleep. I have been supervising all contact so far but don't feel I can continue indefinitely. He has no family who could supervise so would need a third party involved. I dont think he would even challenge me if i just told him when at his most sober as ultimately I think he knows it's causing as many issues as it's resolving - he loves them very much but is not a healthy influence on them at the moment, tho I would also be anticipating drink fuelled nasty outbursts/phonecalls later on etc.

[bluemarble]

I'm in a similar situation OP with dc of similar age.

I only allow supervised contact, yes I have to generally supervise all contact as there's only one/two family members that I trust enough to do that instead of me. I find relatively frequent short morning/middle of the day contact sessions work best.

I haven't stopped contact because I don't think that is what is best for the dc at the moment even though I'd be very happy if I never had to see stbxh again.

However I can see that dc1 picks up on the fact that stbxh behaves oddly and that makes dc1 unsettled/upset so I may have to revisit that decision in the future. Both DCs behaviour is worse after they've seen stbxh but dc2 particularly asks to see him.

I don't know what the answer is and I don't really have a long term plan at the moment, just seeing how things go at the moment.