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exOH has been having an affair. Finding it difficult to cope

(10 Posts)
Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Fri 17-Jun-16 21:31:54

Me and my OH split two weeks ago after finding out he was having an affair with not only his work colleague but our next door neighbour. We have a 2 year old and an 8 week old. The affair has been going on since February. Hes been sending her flowers, taking her away to hotels with him whenever he had a work course, staying out all night but he was at her house etc. I moved back to my mum's with our children the day I found out and have since accepted a house for the three of us which we'll move into when it's decorated.

He's been texting me since the Sunday after we split saying how sorry he was, how lost he felt, how he threw his life away etc. He begged for another chance to make it work even saying things like we'll move away to a different country. At first I ignored him, then told him there was no chance but the past few days I've been coming round to us maybe being together in the future if we were able to sort things out. I know I sound naive but I feel so vulnerable just now. Anyway, last night he had a change of heart and doesn't want us back and has became really cold and won't answer my messages. I'm in bits. I've no idea how to move on from this and begin to build my life back up. I feel sick and panicky. If I could up and leave I would but I have my girls and they need me. It feels like no one else in the world feels the way I do just now. My friends were really supportive and still are to be fair but I feel like I can't talk to them anymore. My mum doesn't understand why I'm even upset in the first place. I just feel like there's a massive brick wall in front of me and I'll never be able to move on from him. I've been with him since I was 18, he's all I know. I moved out my parents house and in with him and now I have to start over on my own. I really miss him

Sassypants82 Fri 17-Jun-16 21:36:39

I'm so sorry to read this. What a horrible way to be treated. I know it hurts so badly now & you're scared but this man doesn't deserve you or your girls. Keep your chin up, you're worth a thousand of him.

thestamp Fri 17-Jun-16 22:28:29

Oh love. I know it's so hard.

Please know that you will recover and you will feel better. Please for your own good, go no contact with your ex. You need to heal and become a new person without him, as long as he is around, you will just feel the wounds being ripped open over and over again.

I promise you, the pain WILL pass. You just need time on your own, to heal and create a life without him.

Are you working or studying? If not I absolutely urge you to look into getting into work, study or both. Very very part time, and in a few months from now is fine, especially since you have such a small baby just now. You need an identity and a routine outside of what you had with him... because you are going to become a new person now. I know that's scary but in time you'll see it's good, even exciting. Your girls are going to learn how to be strong, independent and happy by watching how you overcome this pain.

You are going to be ok. Your job at the minute is just to get through one hour at a time. This is the worst bit. It gets better from here. Lots of love. x

Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Fri 17-Jun-16 22:43:22

Thank you. I just keep thinking I want to go home but I am home. I hate those split seconds where I think everything is ok. Usually first thing in the morning or when someone comes in the front door - always think it's him.

I'm on maternity leave just now but have considered studying. My job is really dull, I'd like to do something I enjoy doing. It's so scary becoming my own person. I've no confidence at all, just keep thinking where did I go wrong. I feel like I've failed at keeping my family together

thestamp Fri 17-Jun-16 22:52:37

You haven't failed. Really. I know it doesn't feel that way just now, but think about it....

Relationships change over time. That's no-one's fault. Really it isn't. Your ex did a horrible, cowardly, cruel thing, but you know what, at least you know where you stand, you are not in the dark anymore. You can look reality in the face and say, right, that wasn't working, this man didn't cherish me as I deserve, and now I can start creating something that DOES work. That belongs to me, that no-one can take away from me and my DC.

Think of it this way... many people who "stay together" are fucking miserable, or are being deceived, or are completely vulnerable and dependent on the goodwill of a partner who could, at any time, change their mind. You are not going to be one of those people. You get to choose how things are going to go in your life from now on. Yes it was nice to rely on someone... and now you are going to spread your wings and be a woman in your own right.

I remember how all-over-the-place I was at 8 weeks pp. Of course you feel you've no confidence... you're very vulnerable right now. That's natural. And it will change in time.

Start making plans to study. Even just a single module of something. A creative writing course, or something sciencey that interests you, or a bridging course. Start small.

But most of all just take very good care of yourself. There's nothing wrong with having a cry, eating cake, and so on. Lean on your friends. Watch stupid telly. Talk on MN. This terrible time will pass. You've just got to hang on a little longer.

Attheendofmytether1 Fri 17-Jun-16 22:52:43

I'm so sorry you're going through this flowers
My H confessed to an affair five years ago three weeks after the birth of our youngest DC.
It heartbreaking and shocking and heart stopping.
If I can give any advice I will give the advice I was given at the time.
Take all the help you need. Drink and eat little bits to keep yourself going. Take lost of photos of your baby. It will be the last thing you feel like doing but your child will ask when they're older where their baby photos are and their person who gave me that advice still has guilt about not having taken any 21 years later.
I won't lie, I'm five years out and my journey has been hard. We reconciled but he is now having second thoughts and we are trying to navigate through this hard time.
You will get stronger. He is an utter cunt for doing this at your most vulnerable time and that will be something he will have to live with forever.
Lean on your friends and family and please please look after yourself.

Tealeaf321 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:34:55

I just found out last week my oh has been seeing someone else for 6 months+, I'm around 6 months pregnant atm. I don't really feel anything but numbness but you are not alone unfortunately. My oh is very apologetic and we are still living together as I'm too hormonal/ weak to watch my baby's daddy leave. We too have been together since I was a teen and don't know adult life without him. It's so unfair, our babies lives as we planned are ruined, but I'm sure we will make other plans.
I'm trying hard to remember my partner cheated on me and not our baby, regardless of what he has done i still believe he is/ will be a good father.

Tealeaf321 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:37:03

Ps sorry for rambling about myself but I thought id share my story to reassure you that you aren't alone.
Have some wine and a fag when the kids are in bed
I wish I could wink

SandyY2K Sat 18-Jun-16 00:23:27

One affair is bad enough ... but 2 affairs on the go.

Why do you think he'd not do it again?

Stay where you are and let him regret. He's regretting you finding out that's all.

Cheating under your nose and taking the OWS away ...

You deserve better than a man who cheats on his pregnant partner. At least now you won't have to wonder where he is and who he's in bed with.

Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Sat 18-Jun-16 12:36:24

That's it. The one positive that's came out of this so far is that I can sleep easier and the constant paranoia is away.

I'm so sorry to hear your story tealeaf. That's awful. I can completely relate to not wanting to watch your partner leave when you're that vulnerable. I first had an inkling something was up when I was about 7 months pregnant but I blocked it out cause I didn't think I could deal with it then. I really hope you can move forward and be happy eventually. Definitely will be having a large glass of wine when he has the kids on Monday.

I just want this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away. I don't understand what it was about this woman that made her so special it was worth throwing his family away for. And I don't understand her. She's vile, doing that to another woman she knew was pregnant and had a family. They're both disgusting. I keep swinging from sad to angry about everything

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