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Having trouble coping 7 months after affair revelation

(24 Posts)
KitKat0987 Fri 17-Jun-16 15:04:21

I have come to Mumsnet for some advice.
I don't have many friends that are just mine and not friends of me and DH.

In November I found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair ( off and on) for 7 years, although he has admitted to oral sex , so i guess it wasn't just an emotional affair.
We have been together for 20 years or so. This isn't the first time, he slept with someone 6 weeks after we got married about 13 years ago. We moved on from this but didn't really deal with it.
The OW he had his long term affair with was a work colleague. She has a family also.
He left his job in Nov and the night before he started his new job I confronted him, it seem that leaving his job left a trail of clues about the affair - inappropriate cards and messages were found by me. I had a gut feeling for a long time that something want quite right. I asked him on number of occasions over the years if there was anything going on and he always denied it.
When I asked him finally - he gave me trickle truths for about a months and a half until I gave him an ultimatum - all of the truth or its over, with the understanding that if anything else cam e to light after the deadline i gave him, we were through.

He came clean - it was worse than i expected and it had gone on for so long. He says it ebbed and flowed, wasn't all the time. Then agreed that for a very long time it can be classed as an emotional affair.

I have 2 sons, aged 9 & 11 - sensitive boys whom we love dearly.
We have spend the last 7 months talking - trying to put us back together. we have had a couple of counselling sessions together ( i didn't like the therapist, very judgemental and laid a lot of the issues at my door). He had more sessions than me to address the reason why he behaved like he did. Her response was that " we may never know". We haven't been back to see her.

So here i am wondering what next - maybe this is a slump - i feel like we are slipping back into old ways, bored of it being too hard. We don't have sex - I find it difficult to be with him.
He says he's trying his best, he's cut all ties, doesnt go out, tries to be present ( but i don't feel he is).
I don't know if the fight is in me anymore. He says I'm cold and difficult to connect with.
I just want to feel cherished, i don't. I feel like I'm doing all the hard work. I don't know whether i have the energy to keep trying. Im still very angry, sad and feel like my life for the last few years has been a lie.
I don't know what i want anymore.

Any advice? Thoughts? I could do with some words of wisdom.

adora1 Fri 17-Jun-16 15:28:48

You are not going to feel good whilst he continues to blame you for his own shortcomings, in fact, his massive clangers, in fact, the nail in your marriage.

You know he cheated before, he's done it again, how many other times are there that you have no clue about, sorry but he doesn't even sound sorry about it and yes I think your life has been a lie, he's a serial cheat by all accounts, I don't know how you can continue with someone who you clearly cannot trust an inch, he'll be off again at the next opportunity.

No point flogging a dead horse, the marriage is over I'd say, you should have booted him out the first time, he won't change, he has no reason to, no consequence - all there is is a mound under your carpet of unresolved issues, the main one being he can't stay faithful to you.

adora1 Fri 17-Jun-16 15:30:57

Sorry OP, I don't mean to be harsh, I feel for you I do, you need to cherish yourself and you know there are other men out there who would too, love yourself and then the rest will follow.

Oral sex is a big deal OP.

Would you even consider living apart, I think it would be great, for you.

DrMorbius Fri 17-Jun-16 15:42:28

Sorry Op after 7 years of on/off, I am not buying they only had "oral sex".

IMHO he is till lying to you. But frankly it is irrelevant what they did, as your marriage seems dead anyway. Knowing any more is not going to change anything. Time to make your future.

ImperialBlether Fri 17-Jun-16 15:46:03

How dare the therapist lay the blame at your door when he was having an affair with someone as soon as you married.

The thing is, as you've found out now, these revelations don't just affect life now; the whole of your life together cannot be trusted. I've been in this position and even years later you realise the truth of why something seemingly innocuous happened. You don't know your own history.

I think you're at a point where for you to stay would be both damaging to your mental health and foolish, too. The more unhappy you are, the more unhappy he will be and he'll just seek out another relationship. That's what he does when things get tough.

Just because he's left his job it doesn't mean his relationship with the other woman is over. If she was sending flirtatious cards as he was leaving, there's no way he'll stop contact, particularly as she only seems to want a casual relationship because of her own marriage, so she's not making demands on him.

I think you're better off away from him. People like that fry your brain. You don't know what's going on in your own life because of him. He's lied and cheated throughout the relationship - he really isn't worth holding on to.

adora1 Fri 17-Jun-16 15:53:19

And it wasn't emotional, it was a full blow affair including sex.

2nds Fri 17-Jun-16 15:57:12

7 years and they only had oral and only once?
You have not been told the whole truth.

KitKat0987 Fri 17-Jun-16 16:57:24

I do believe that the relationship with the OW is over. I emailed her partner anonymously not long after I found out!
I don't know what to say to my husband. He thinks he's making an effort but I'm unable to tell him what I want because I don't know. The resounding replies tell me that I should leave him. I don't know how to do this. I have no support where I live and no family nearby. Feel stuck.

Lillygolightly Fri 17-Jun-16 17:21:04

Sorry posted too soon, what I'm saying is, is that you've tried. You've done more than enough, and more than he deserved. It's ok to be done, it's ok to say you have enough and that it's over now. You deserve better, your DH was very lucky that you gave him a second chance and it is not your fault it hasn't worked out, it's his, he shouldn't have been unfaithful in the first place.

Lillygolightly Fri 17-Jun-16 17:22:57

Oops appears first post didnt post at all blush now second post makes not much sense...sorry.

Stupid phone angry

RedMapleLeaf Fri 17-Jun-16 17:37:17

The resounding replies tell me that I should leave him.

Never mind us. What would you like to do?

KitKat0987 Fri 17-Jun-16 17:40:49

RedMaple- I don't know! I'm scared to break up the family.

AnyFucker Fri 17-Jun-16 17:46:20

Your problem is that you are still being lied to and you know it.

Seek individual counselling for yourself and extricate yourself amicably from this marriage.

He has been unfaithful twice that you know of. Deep down you are just waiting for him to do it again.

MrsGuyOfGisbo Fri 17-Jun-16 17:53:10

Deep down you are just waiting for him to do it again.
Wise words.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 17-Jun-16 18:12:22

I don't know! I'm scared to break up the family

I can see that that would be scary, very scary, although many would think that the family "broke" a long time ago and not due to your actions. Another thought is that maintaining the current family setup is scary.

KindDogsTail Fri 17-Jun-16 18:15:16

Do you think he left his job to get away from her? If so, do you think that was his way of making an effort to be with you properly?

What happened that first time thirteen years ago when you had just got married? That must have been terrible for you and very difficult to get over.

FellOutOfBed2wice Fri 17-Jun-16 18:32:07

I think you have to go by the old expression "fool me once..." On this one. He's not learnt his lesson and you're worth more than just sitting around waiting for him to do it again.

spookyelectric Fri 17-Jun-16 18:33:31

Don't feel you have to leave immediately - go at your own pace. Research your financial position - maybe see a solicitor. Mull it all over and trust your instincts. Would your Husband consider moving out for awhile so that you can both consider your options with a bit of distance and headspace?

You say you don't feel "cherished" and that for me is very telling. After an affair I think the perpatrator needs to go above and beyond and for as along as the injured party feels necessary to repair things and to regain emotional trust before sex can reoccur - problem is a lot of cheaters feel that things should just go back to normal - NO! We all want to feel cherished.

ImperialBlether Fri 17-Jun-16 18:34:08

It doesn't sound like that, KindDogsTail - that's how the OP found out, because of all the suspicious activity.

Dozer Fri 17-Jun-16 18:36:29

LTB

Gingeete Fri 17-Jun-16 19:34:24

Your children need a good model of what a functional relationship is. If they don't see you being cherished they won't learn what that is. Likely they will also pick up on "atmosphere". Be kind to yourself. If you have had enough it will drain you further to keep pretending. Life is too short.

Lillygolightly Fri 17-Jun-16 21:11:02

AF is right and pretty much nails what I was saying in my first post that I managed not to post lol

The reason your not getting over it, the reason why you can't forgive him and move on is because there is more, more lies, more deceit, and deep down you know it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 17-Jun-16 23:58:43

You say you don't know how to leave him. You have no local support. That's fairly normal. You see a solicitor. You look at divorce websites. You talk to people who are divorced. There is a hell of a lot of information out there to learn the practical details of how you, in your own personal circumstances, would actually leave him. Maybe investigate "how" and then tackle "if" safe in the knowledge of how things will likely go.

SandyY2K Sat 18-Jun-16 00:11:12

Your DH cheated 6 weeks into marriage. This is the honeymoon stage of your relationship when it's time to be all loved up.

I don't believe there was no full blown sex in 7 years. Exactly why wouldn't there be? It's not a line he hasn't crossed before.

You have a serial cheat on your hands.
You haven't verified that her husband got the message
A 7 year affair doesn't die out just like that

You don't know it all.

Tell him you'll arrange a polygraph to find out

A) if he had full intercourse with her
B) if there have been other OWs you don't know about

If he's being truthful he'll have no worries about it. Just watch his reaction.

Sorry ... but 2 grown adults who see each other daily at work will have sex in a 7 year affair.

I'll PM you some information

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