Can't cope - had final child arrangements court hearing and can't cope with judgement. Pls help

[Hopeless100]

I have looked at mum's net before but never posted. Today however I need your help. Sorry if it long and rambling- I'm in a jumble and feel very depressed.

My soon to be ex husband and I have had trouble in our marriage over the last 2 years and in Dec I moved out of the family home. Long story short - he hasn't worked for 16 yrs, claimed he was house husband but isn't! We have 2 kids - 6 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old. He wasn't a househusband - tried lots of business ventures but didn't succeed. I was bread winner, kept house together and social secretary. Did everything for kids and am currently still on mat leave. I couldn't cope with that life anymore I wanted change and he wanted a divorce.

It got bitter and acrimonious and very nasty. I have a stable job, got a house with enough rooms for kids and am a good bet. He is unemployed, now lives in a 2 bed mortgage free house that his sister has bought him.

He took me to court over the kids and is also taking m le to court over finances. As far as the kids are concerned he wants an equal split - so one week him and then one week me. I basically said no. Based on petals advice I was told when I move out I should give him access every Thursday and every other weekend. I did this - the advice was in reality that's 4 out f 14, you will end up with 5 or 6 on the basis - there is no way a judge will agree to 7 out of 14.

He just did in court. The split is Monday and Tuesday with me, weds and Thursday with him and then alternate weekends staring from Friday.

I can't cope with the judgement. That means from weds morning handover I won't see my kids until Monday every other week. I just can't do it. I can't breathe. How am I so uniportant to their lives? I will be missng out on cuddles, what happened at school, homework- oh god so much stuff. Perhaps it wld be better if I weren't here at all. Apparently there is no appeal or reason to appeal. So my children now are tennis balls being batted between us. Suitcase children with no fixed abode. My son has no room of his own when he is at his dad's and I have a huge mortgage on a house that will be empty. What was the point. Where did I go wrong? How did I lose my kids? Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. I can't think straight. thanks for reading.

He hasn't bought anything for the kids since they were born- no toys no clothing. Everything is hand me down stuff from his over bearing sister. Days out and holidays are all organised by her. I just can't cope. Any advice really welcome.

[Thisisnow16]

[onewhitepillowleft]

Do you have someone who can be with you today? This sounds like it has been an incredibly nasty shock.

I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex for my eldest and have since she was born, pretty much. It's very very hard - for all the reasons you describe - but in all kinds of ways that I did not expect, it has been best for her. She has a great relationship with him, he's not just a weekend dad but involved in all the social secretary and school stuff, she has strong and warm relationships with all of his side of the family. I worried about him not being up to the task - and it was wobbly to start with - but he learned - he had to - and once the dust had settled and the months and years passed I learned to respect him more for wanting to play an equally important part in her life.

It is hard. It is really really fucking hard. I'm not going to shine that one up for you. But there are also benefits to the free time and independence, once you can deal with that initial shock and grief.

[UpsidedownDog]

Not sure if this is reasonable advice, but I would push for mediation since the split was not on good terms. If the judge sees you wanting this, they may review the access/custody. That said, the judge may have seen your ex as more suitable to be there for the DC as and when they need him. Due to your ex being unemployed, he is available to tend to the DC whenever they need him, especially if an emergency arises.

With yourself being employed and working the hours you do, the judge has to take into consideration the fact that you have to request time off for these things (much harder to get time off when in a job), as opposed to your ex not needing to IYSWIM. There will be many more factors the judge will have taken into consideration before deciding the outcome. The judge isn't acting in the interests of the adults, just the children. Your distress isn't a factor the judge will look at, just what would be best for the DC.

[EverFallenInLoveWithSomeone]

Well he really ia going to get a shock when he has them and has to provide for them for all that time, isn't he

He will have no choice but to step up and, once the shock has worn off, you will remember that you are more than just your children's mother and have a fantastic time.

And to be perfectly honest, your children's experience will be largely dependent on how you and their dad manage the situation.

[neonrainbow]

Why should you have more time with them than their father? It sounds like this is what will be best for the children.

[Thisisnow16]

This is truly heartbreaking. I really feel for you with your youngest so small still.

This why on mumsnet when they say LTB I think they should warn mums that there is a lot to lose now fathers have more say.

Even though I agree with fathers having equal rights, why is a mothers maternal instinct not taken into it. In mammals the mum is usually the main carer, we are no different.

I agree that it's also very unsettling for the kids.

[Hopeless100]

He wasn't really involved before in their lives, no soft play, no play dates nothing. If he were a hands on dad I wld accept it but he want and isn't. He didn't want our son and suggested I shld have an abortion but now he will get him for half the time. I'm not sure I can cope from being with my kids 100% of the time and doing everything for them to all of a sudden now not seeing them for an entire week every other week. I can't do it. Thank you to those who say it works - how did you get through this but because all I can do is cry. He has no job, no income - how will he provide for the kids?

[Decadeinthesun]

You have had a shock but I think you should have been prepared for 50:50 by your solicitor as it is a common arrangement these days.

I totally get your concerns but he will either struggle to keep that up (especially with a one year old) or he will step up with the support of his sister and you will have to adjust and accept it in time.

My sister's ex took her to court for access and she was beside herself but he only stuck to the arrangements a few times and then opted out completely. It was all about the battle for him, In my case exh does all he can to avoid his responsibilities and I dream of 50:50 as I do 100% of everything and it's exhausting, Btw he claimed he was SAHD in court but really he was unemployed and still is years on,

I think you need to give yourself a few days to adjust to the idea and call on support from family and friends. Find yourself tons to do during the times the dc are with him. I would also say to try to work together to co parent your children as that will be best for them (I haven't personally managed it) but it is definitely for the best for them and you. I think if you have a lot of anger and bitterness and worry it will make it all even harder.

[Hopeless100]

Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps this is right. He offered me 6 nights in mediation but my solicitor told me to hold out and thought I wld get 5 which I though wld provide more continuity for the kids. I lost. But now I just don't know how to cope. I don't think I can

[Buckinbronco]

I can't imagine how tough this must be for you. I hope that your life is more like onewhite and fuckingcunts when it's all settled down

[Hopeless100]

Thanks for your kind reply. My mum is coming over because I appear to be breaking down. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but I am really struggling. Perhaps I'm being selfish. But perhaps he just wants the money. The money follows the kids. I had a 2nd opinion too from another solicitor and they also said 7/7 wldnt happen. The free time is hung to be the killer. I just feel my world has caved in. I'm so sorry for rambling. Again. and thank you x

[Hopeless100]

Sorry I didn't mean to offend. I'm just upset. As you all say it's probably shock and grief and I need to get used to the idea first and let things settle. Perhaps this will be the making of him. He was useless before and disinterested but perhaps without me there he will step up.

[Dozer]

Really sorry you're facing this. Please seek RL support from yourself, eg counselling.

On the practical side there might be things you can do to limit disruption for the DC (eg with respect to school work and admin and clothes) and save some money.

In time, you and your ex might alter your arrangement by agreement.

The legal outcome seems predictable given the set up in your home before you split up. That doesn't make it easy for you though.

[peggyundercrackers]

50/50 is absolutely normal now, I'm surprised you thought otherwise. Your not unimportant to their lives but neither is their father - you have what's best for the kids not what's best for the parents.

[Fairenuff]

Who cared for your first child when you were at work OP, did you pay for childcare or did he look after them? If it was him then I can understand why he wants 50/50 and why the judge gave it to him.

Sorry that this is hard for you though.

[Jessbow]

Try and hold it together. If you don't he'll end up with 24/7 because you'll go under. Be strong. You will get used to it and so will they.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Hi OP, that sounds difficult. I think you can appeal the court's decision - but you'd have to frame it in the best interests of the children, rather than yourself.

But I agree with your description of 'suitcase' kids, with no permanent home. I don't think a 50-50 arrangement is always the best thing for children. I know I would've hated it as a child.

[Hopeless100]

My daughter went to full time nursery before going to school. He didn't look after her when he wasn't working. So the whole stay at home dad thing was a justification for not working. He hasn't been employed 9 yrs before she was born. I just believed he wld sort himself out. It was just bad luck. Financial crisis etc and I just kept going. How stupid was I

[Hopeless100]

Apologies - what I meant was we sold family home and have some equity. I paid 100% of mortgage and he will get same proportion as time with the kids - I.e now 50%. He cld have the lot if that's what this is about. I didn't mean to offend.