Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Acceptable or not acceptable ?

(60 Posts)
Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:16:48

First time posting - lurked and read a lot and I thought you lovely people might help me get some perspective on what is ok and what is not in a marriage ? Have been married 8 years, together 11 and have two children. We have always had a vola tile relationship . I am an anxious person but until now never a fish wife - type arguing person but we have had humdinger rows over the years. Like - bad. I am a runner - I will run away out of frustration and slam doors , usually to go off and cry and try to calm down. Husband is a confronted, shouted, will not let it go. Occasionally - very occasionally in very bad arguments he has slapped me around the face , slapped me with a pair of trousers, pushed me hard enough and long enough to topple me over ( I am quite sturdy !l ) bear hug me yo stop me stomping off and more recently completely lost it in an argument over the garden and shook me so hard for what felt like ages. I actually have bruises from that one. However - when it's written like that it sounds awful ! I am not a timid person but I am highly strung. I know I wind him up and at times I think I am extremely unreasonable. And yes he has a drinkproblem - dependant not alcoholic. He is a great dad but I worry that, at best , we have lost respect for each other and are exposing the children to unhealthy conflict and at worst, a situation that will not get better. Is there any salvaGE here ? Plenty of people I know regularly admit horrible arguments but what exactly constitutes hopeless and or abnormal? I can't talk to anyone in RL as no one would be unbiased and I am in desperate need of perspective. Sorry for long post and hope I make sense xx

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 16-Jun-16 23:20:10

Nope. Sorry, that sounds fucking awful and your poor kids can't escape you. Regardless of whether you're highly strung, he's an alcohol abusing violent bastard and
NOT a great dad.
The combination of both of you sounds toxic and your children deserve better.

MeMySonAndl Thu 16-Jun-16 23:20:18

Erm, I think his behaviour is far from normal, but you also describe yourself as volatile and high strung, which is not exactly normal either.

Time to book Relate? You both need to learn to control yourselves better before you end up hurting each other.

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:22:17

Ok got you - maybe it's the combinatio. I think I have posted because with the football being on he is out the house so much and I will be honest - we are all calmer and happier when he is not here. It's got me thinking . Thanks for your honesty x

Ouriana Thu 16-Jun-16 23:23:50

My DP is a runner and Im a fighter.

If we ever argue he will walk out and need space and it infuriates me, I want to keep talking and talk it out until its resolved. He winds me up walking out and I wind him up not giving him the space he needs. However we have never, ever had the situation you describe.

Thats isnt a difference in attitudes. Its domestic violence. The man hits you and restrains you by force. Its not normal and its not ok and your DC cant grow up witnessing this.

I hate shouting LTB but this cannot carry on and you cant expose your children to it.

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:24:36

I mean I hate confrontation - hate arguments will always literally run away. I have never ever argued with anyone as much as I argue with him . I have to accept that us together is volatile - not me on my own. But I am an anxious worrying kind of person and I can't work out what came first.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 16-Jun-16 23:24:45

Abnormal. Very very far from acceptable.

I find it odd that you describe your behaviours as if they are equivalently bad.

You: slam doors, walk off, cry alone.

Him: drink to excess, shout at you, hit you, push you, shake you, stop you from leaving a room, leave bruises.

Is this damaging your children? Yes.

Is there anything salvageable? Depends. Does he take full responsibility for his behaviour? Has he sought help? How effectively does he apologise and try to make up for it? What steps has he taken to stop drinking?

I'm not surprised you are highly strung. Living with an increasingly violent alcoholic must be awfully stressful.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 16-Jun-16 23:25:10

Don't book relate. This is a domestically violent relationship. Relate shouldn't see you assuming you disclose the violence and you should never go to counselling with an abusive partner

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:26:25

Ouriana - how do you guys resolve your arguments ? If u don't mind me asking x

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 16-Jun-16 23:26:33

Does it matter what came first? Are you wondering if it is your fault he is violent and drinks? Really? And even if it were all your fault he's like his (which is ridiculous of course) well the beat thing to do is still the same. Split up.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 16-Jun-16 23:27:48

curtains what do you argue about so much?

Somerville Thu 16-Jun-16 23:28:20

It's not acceptable and also I disagree with those who said it's the combination of the two of you and to book Relate.

Counselling is not advised for abusive relationships. He is abusing you physically and verbally. Possibly in other ways too.

And isn't alcohol dependant and alcoholic the same thing?

You could phone Women's Aid for advice and support. Also go to your GP and tell them what you've told us and get any injuries or recent bruising logged.

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:29:09

Lady stark I did not know that and rabbit - he usually apologises - not always.the shaking thing was because long story short we were trying to lay some turf of all things and were running out of daylight and I was getting a bit tearful after a busy day at work I was tires. Sounds well pathetic bit just fatigue!

Somerville Thu 16-Jun-16 23:30:02

X-posts with Run and LadyStark.

It's not you, love. It's him.

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:30:03

So he said he just wanted to shock me out of it - like the slap that time - because I needed pulling together

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 16-Jun-16 23:32:00

He wanted to shock you out of being tired and upset so he shook you?
This isn't the movies in the 1940s, assaulting people to shock them out of hysterics is no longer considered ok

Ouriana Thu 16-Jun-16 23:34:29

Its took years but we had to learn to respect each other.
At first he would walk out. I would ring or text to continue the argument and he would it ignore the phone. Which made me madder. By the time he had calmed I was in a mood.
Essentially we learnt how not to annoy each other, I respect him enough to know he cant stand arguments so to give him a little space til we arent angry and can talk and he respects me enough to say he just needs a little space, not walk out and ignore me.

Unfortunatly it doesnt sound like your DP is intrested in showing you any respect.

Grabbing you, restraining you, he is forcing you to do as he wants. Thats without the violence and drink problems.

Somerville Thu 16-Jun-16 23:35:07

He's a fucking abusive bully.

0808 2000 247. Women's aid.

MeMySonAndl Thu 16-Jun-16 23:35:21

I think you are right, if you are abusing each other Relate might not be for you.

anger management course for the two of you?

Ouriana Thu 16-Jun-16 23:36:38

I dont think the OP needs anger management. I think she needs a night out with AnyFucker.

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:36:48

We argue about money of course - we have one bank account that everything goes in and out of and we disagree on priorities - I hate how mych he spends in the pub and he how much I spend on food shopping ! We argue a lot about disciplining the children . .. We argue about big things , little things - we do have good times but honestly I just don't know whenough it can change to bad times in blink of an eye. I appreciate advice sorry for typos very wobbly hands. He is asleep now that's why I am posting as he is very drunk after en gland win. As I understand it an alcoholic has alcohol in the morning and can't function without it. He just loves a drink and occasionally a bit of cocaone. This makes him sound awful when I read it !

Curtains77 Thu 16-Jun-16 23:42:21

Thanks - ouriana that sounds like an evolution and I can relate exactly to thatsequence of for thought. It only gets physical I think when he feels he can't be heard. Lady stark - all I could think when he was shaking me was oh God what would the neighbours say they could see us at any time and there is nothing I can do. Noon has ever witnessed any of this and have never told anyone. It's just not as black and white as a julia Roberts film is it ?

Ouriana Thu 16-Jun-16 23:42:22

Are you happy in this relationship?

I know how hard it is to leave. But you have to fight with the man just to feed your children.
He resents feeding them and hits their mum.
Do you really want to stay? How woukd you feel if it was your daughter explaining she doesnt get his that often and its only a bit of coke.

FreeFromHarm Thu 16-Jun-16 23:49:21

Out, clear and simple before it escalates, women said will help you , take the first step as it is a poisonous relationship, exactly how my xdh started.

Somerville Thu 16-Jun-16 23:49:55

FFS MeMyself - they're not abusing each other. He's beating her up and telling her it's for her own good. Plus he's spending their family money on getting shitfaced on booze and high on class A drugs and leaving her without enough money to feed their family.
She's blaming herself because that's what the constant abuse gets women to do.

Curtains It is black and white in that he is abusive and if he followed the pattern he will get worse and worse and worse. Please seek real life help and support urgently.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now