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Father's Day - is this acceptable?

(28 Posts)
lostandsoscared Thu 16-Jun-16 22:33:11

Struggling to get some rational perspective on this, any thoughts would be gratefully received!

OH left DS and me 4 months ago. He did some pretty dreadful things and it will never be friendly between us. Therefore I'm finding it very hard to set aside my feelings now Father's Day is coming up.

I'm planning on doing a little art activity with DS (almost 3) for him to give on Sunday. I can barely bring myself to spend a penny on him (he has left me up shit creek financially) so a card is about as much as I'm prepared to spend.

'Should' I be buying a gift? Am I letting my feelings get in the way too much and not doing the right thing, in terms of DS 'buying daddy a gift' ?

I just don't want to give exOH another reason to claim I'm unreasonable or bitter. hmm

Gide Thu 16-Jun-16 22:34:28

Don't know why you're even thinking of getting him anything. He deserves nothing but your contempt.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 16-Jun-16 22:35:24

No. You are being thoughtful towards your ds. Above and beyond.

Let me guess, was he as thoughtful for Mother's Day?

BabyGanoush Thu 16-Jun-16 22:35:28

What did he do for mothers day?

PurpleDaisies Thu 16-Jun-16 22:35:32

No need for a gift as well. Until your ds is old enough to save his own pocket money and buy his own gift I think it's fine to just do cards.

I only send my dad a card and not a present on Father's Day. smile

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 16-Jun-16 22:35:37

Personally I wouldn't get him anything. Once your son is old enough to be making stuff at school, then let him give those gifts.

Doesn't sound like father of the year anyway.

lostandsoscared Thu 16-Jun-16 22:37:22

I know, but I think DS should give him something as he is his dad. He absolutely does not deserve it, but I'm doing it for DS and trying to make things as normal as possible.

minop Thu 16-Jun-16 22:37:42

Is your DC old enough to know that daddy hasn't got a present? Personally my DC's 4 & 3 are just getting him a card and what ever they make with the childminder. We too split 4 month ago and despite him been an arsehole that caused it all he still thinks there's a chance ( never in a million years) So getting him a present would give him ideas I still cared!
When the kids are old enough to ask to get him something then maybe but it's too raw this year.

bobbinpop Thu 16-Jun-16 22:38:36

A card is enough! If it would be something your DS would enjoy, let him choose a present at the pound shop. You're doing this for your DS, not your exH, so just focus on his enjoyment so it's not so tough for you. Xx

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 16-Jun-16 22:38:43

That makes you a great mum. Which might help compensate for a crappy dad.

DelphiniumBlue Thu 16-Jun-16 22:38:52

Not your job to keep him happy anymore, is it?
DS doesn't know its Father's Day, he's too little. Maybe there's someone in DHs family who gives 2 hoots whether he has a nice Fathers day, they could sort it.
BTW, what did he arrange for Mother's Day? The answer might help you decide!

mayoketchupchocolate Thu 16-Jun-16 22:38:55

I really don't think you need to do anything. I'm not doing anything for DH, DS made a card at preschool, so that will do!

That said, I've very cynical about these kinds of days. I hate mothers day, valentines day etc. Commercialised rubbish IMO! Fortunately DH feels the same grin

loubielou2 Thu 16-Jun-16 22:38:56

A card is quite adequate. Go with your gut feeling. More than a card would have been generous. You are acknowling Father's Day with a card and that's enough.

Fourormore Thu 16-Jun-16 22:39:40

I continued to do what I did before we separated. My ex was terrible to me but is a decent father.

lostandsoscared Thu 16-Jun-16 22:40:02

I got some dreadful jewellery from a high street store that he'd 'chosen' with DS. I returned it and exchanged for something I liked.
He doesn't think he's done anything wrong you see, and is trying to be Mr Nice Guy.

lostandsoscared Thu 16-Jun-16 22:48:48

Ok, definitely no gift then smile

DS really loves painting and getting messy etc, so I thought that making a picture or card would be the best way of acknowledging the day and 'doing something for daddy' without it being too difficult for me.

Just had a little cry whilst googling father's day crafts, all the pictures of little boys with their dads and poems about daddy always being there. Fucking arsehole.

Oddsocksgalore Thu 16-Jun-16 23:13:07

I would get something as its from your child to his father and not you.

Doesn't matter what other posters do, you do what you feel is right for your child.

lostandsoscared Thu 16-Jun-16 23:27:02

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
Still niggling in my mind about a gift, as we've always made these days special. Aargh, i'll have a think smile

bobbinpop Fri 17-Jun-16 09:15:39

If it's still on your mind, just do it! Better to buy a cheap gift than to think about it for days. Save yourself the worry and be done with it smile

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 17-Jun-16 09:30:03

Hmm I feel your conflict OP, DS asked me if I would give him money to buy his dad a present for Christmas last year.

Ex hasn't paid a penny for DS since walking out 2 years ago.

So internally I was a bit - no fucking way hmm

I ended up saying the same - that his dad would prefer something that he made himself, but if he really wanted to buy something did he have an idea what? He didn't so he made something.

It is awkward. And no doubt you'll have to cross that bridge too. But you have to remember it's about your DC and try to rise above the conflict.

It would be easier if PIL could step in on these things but I don't have one.

But for Father's Day I think you're doing the right thing.

Be careful your DS doesn't ask where the jewellery is though! grin

Oddsocksgalore Fri 17-Jun-16 09:34:40

I would get a small gift op.

Even a cheap Lynx set from poundland.

Cabrinha Fri 17-Jun-16 09:56:27

No gift.
There's no gift better than a child's artwork anyway.
If it was amicable and he hadn't screwed you up financially I might say small gift.

ravenmum Fri 17-Jun-16 10:01:56

The artwork is a lovely gift. Maybe practise a song your son can sing him? Or make a "voucher" for something your son can do, like giving him ten kisses. That's what Father's day is about, not money.

HarmlessChap Fri 17-Jun-16 11:47:15

As he got a gift which was chosen with DS (even if crap) I would repay the favour as there was obviously some intent for there to be a gift from DS and he might well mention that to DS if he doesn't get a gift of some kind.

Maybe a photo frame with a recent picture of DS in it?

lostandsoscared Fri 17-Jun-16 13:00:22

Thank you for the replies smile

Well, I've got a card and DS had fun this morning making a really cute gift for him that can be framed. I'll not be framing it for him though.... I'd be thrilled if it was made for me, so that's that....

It's too late for me to buy him a gift now anyway as he will be picking DS up shortly.

Bloody annoying that I've agonised over this. This was not a situation I envisaged myself being in AT ALL angry

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