I know it's coming to an end but why am I so upset?!

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

4 years together
No dcs
Everything has just gone wrong lately and I think the end is inevitable
We're both unhappy
But the end scares me and makes me stupidly sad

I am so so fed up

[TheNaze73]

So sorry to hear that OP. The end is the end & you will be mourning, the death of a 4 year relationship.
You've said you're unhappy, so you know it's the right thing but, it don't make it an easier. What happened? Were you at a relationship crossroads??

[Openmindedmonkey]

You sound like you are preparing to mourn what has been a major part of your life - this is an ok thing to do! Allow yourself to grieve.
Then allow yourself to think of the future beyond that grief, of the opportunity you have, of the relationships you can enjoy - the possibilities are endless!
Best wishes as you travel through this period of change

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

We want the same things in life on the whole, which makes it weirder but issues are

• I don't want to change my surname on marriage
  
• I feel like I do all the household chores and it's not fair (both work full time)
  
• I don't always like the way he talks to me, sometimes in a patronising way (although I like to think that is unintentional), sometimes talks down to me (although does that to others too) and sometimes baby talks a bit too much
  
• I don't like public displays of affection but he does (causes rows,
  
• he lacks ability to put himself in other people's shoes or accept polar opinions
  

He's a lovely guy, good looking, I know he wouldn't cheat, generous at times, can make me laugh etc

Just everything feels wrong and too hard

[TheNaze73]

Sounds like you're making the right decision op

[TamaraHiddlestoned]

Well my DH does some of those, and I love him despite it! He's never going to be perfect but I don't know if anyone else ever could be
You need a brutally frank & honest conversation if this is to continue & be the satisfying, fun, loving relationship it could be.

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

I never think that someone should 'settle' when it doesn't feel right, and only you can know if it's right or wrong. However, these issues don't seem insurmountable to me if you are both prepared to compromise.

Having said that, if it's the end, it's the end and, despite the sadness you'll undoubtedly feel, you'll move on and eventually find someone that is right for you.

Good luck

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

No they dont on the surface

I do everything around the house, if I don't do it things don't get done (3 weeks before I caved and cleaned,he must've noticed). He food shops for just him I food shop for us. He thinks he does jobs around the house though which makes it harder to talk to him about it. He doesn't think he talks to me in the wrong way. If he's washing up he'll do his stuff not everything (if we've had brekkie separately I mean)

[HandyWoman]

I commend you for calling time on this relationship, his values are shining through. And this board is full of threads about guys like this with marriage, mortgage and kids in toe.

I wish you well, OP. It's hard to let go but let go you must.

[Naicehamshop]

He doesn't sound right for you and you definitely don't sound happy. You are doing the right thing imho - can you imagine how you will feel after 20 years of this? 30 years? Make the break now - it will be difficult but you will survive.

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

Yeah, sometimes I question whether I expect too much from him but I can never be sure

I think that makes things harder too, not knowing if my expectations are too high

[AddToBasket]

What is his parents relationship like? What you've described gives a strong impression of gender roles that you absolutely don't need to sign up to.

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

They do have very traditional gender roles

His brother and SIL don't though they seem to share the chores very well

I do also do the vast majority of diy and flat pack assembly

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

I'm thinking of giving it one last go, really pushing him to do more around the house and see how it goes.

It all seems such small petty stuff but it's draining

[category12]

These are the things that kill relationships long-term. Imagine having children and him just doing his own washing up? Who even does that? Who lives as a couple and just buys his own food when he goes shopping? It's just bizarre. He doesn't see you as a team, but he's happy for you to do for him.

It shouldn't be hard and your expectations are not too high.

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

I want to tell him all of it so he understands but I feel like it would just be a rant and a long list of errors on his part.

Do you think if I told him it all he'd understand?

[category12]

I don't know. I assume you have brought up these things before.

It's worth a try, but tbh it's likely he'll raise his game for a while to keep you, and then revert.

It sounds like he's coming from a viewpoint about 'women's work' that is very unlikely to shift.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

No, I don't think he'd understand and I don't think he'd change. Go with your instinct and get out now.

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

OK, I just wanted it to all work out that's all

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

He sounds really selfish. All these faults will just be magnified as you get older or have children. You're making the right decision.

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

Could he learn do you think?

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Only if he wants to. And after four years it's unlikely.

How old is he?

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

He's 28, he used to work away most of the time so I didn't mind then. I'd do it all as I figured it was mainly me making the mess and eating the food

He got a new local role 6 months ago and nothing changed

[Openmindedmonkey]

Don't 'tell him', that won't work at all if he is conditioned to old fashioned gender roles... you may just be blocked out as a nagging woman.
But a two-way conversation between proper adults is pretty much essential. Arrange to talk. Agree a time & location when you are both fully engaged. It's worth the investment.

[FinallyHere]

You are asking 'why am I so upset? '. I think its a very good question. Are you happy to share your life with someone like this. Its all very well to tell yourself that you just haven't made yourself clear but at some point you ask yourself 'how would i feel if the rest of my life was like this?'

Please be kind to yourself and find yourself a much better life. All the very, very best.

[moneymoneymoneyohdear]

openminded can you explain how I can make it a two way chat instead of me telling him. I know that sounds stupid but I'm quite sleepy

I know you're right finallyhere