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Mum cliques and excluding the children(20 Posts)
I have joined here as I need a bit of support and advice.
My oldest daughter has been subjected to exclusion for years due to a clique of mums who I used to be friends with. The kids all went to nursery together and when they started primary my dd ended up in a different class. It was like a switch flicked and she began to get excluded. I once commented to one of the mums that we hadn't seen them for a while and it would be good to catch up. After a pause I was told, well you know, the kids have moved on and made new friends - that's life! My dd ended up back in the same class 4 years later, she began to play with the kids again but the parents still exclude her from everything - parties etc.
Recently my younger dd has had the same treatment from 2 mums who live on our street - the kids all play together and are best friends. However the mums have made firm friends and so leave my dd out of play dates, trips away etc. I spoke to them about it and the 'queen bee' as it were really took offence and basically told me they could do what they wanted. The other acts like a bystander and goes along with her.
I'm at my wits end. I like where I live and I know one of them is moving this year which might help things a bit but unfortunately the one whose moving is the nicer one.
How do I positively make sure my daughters are not adversely affected by this? I know it will help them with resilience - but how do you cope when it's the adults doing the social exclusion? My older daughter copes quite well as she has a large network of friends which I have encouraged, my younger finds it harder to make friends and ends up in tears thinking her friends don't like her. It's heartbreaking.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you can't decide who is going to be friends with your daughters or force people to be your friend. Although it's 'heartbreaking' for you, don't show them this. There are other potential friends out there for them and I think trying to arrange friendships has and will continue to backfire. Confrontation is not really the way to go about it. Is this only about your daughters' friendships or are you feeling the rejection yourself? Can you just invite another mother round for coffee and take it from there?
You can't pick grown adults friends for them, if the mums are friends and leave you and your children out because of that, then make different friends yourself.
Explain to dd that the kids aren't leaving her out, and slowly steer her towards other kids.
My kids have friends that they met through my friendships, and friends that are purely their own. I don't get involved and to be honest, the less party invitations the better, especially
fucking frozen parties.
Blue cashmere - I don't for one minute decide who my daughter can and can't be friends with. That is entirely her choice. I also don't arrange friendships. These people are my neighbours and my child plays with them on a regular basis.
Neither am I interested in 'forcing' someone to be my friend. I have enough friends of my own and am not interested in that. No I am not feeling rejected - All I'm interested in is helping my child get through a difficult situation.
Moo point - she has other friends at school but unfortunately these people literally live on our doorstep so we can't avoid them, which would be my choice if I could.
Moopoint is on point. So the only thing I would add here is that; even if they are on your doorstep it does not mean you need to be friendly with them or that your daughters should be.
They have shown you clearly they are not interested. You should move on. You and your daughters do not need their friendship. No need for your daughter to feel rejected. There must be lots of other kids to form friendships with, in and our of the school, on your doorstep or far away, etc.
Ignore these women. Although they sound unpleasant, it is their choice.
MsGus you are so right - I do try to ignore them as much as possible, unfortunately it's easier said than done xx
Thanks ladies, totally appreciate the feedback, even the harsh stuff lol
I foolishly expect everyone to be the same as me, as I would never think of leaving anyone's kids out but I understand that they're not. That's life I guess. And on the positive side, its teaching my children the type of people NOT to be.
It hurts like hell when it's your child being left out (it's all of our real vulnerable spot after all) - but realistically all you can do is to try to foster alternative friendships and keep them happy and resilient.
My eldest's getting this at the moment and it's horrid - grown women being cruel to kids is really low.
Wish there was an answer but there isn't really. It happens everywhere. I hate it. I've never been one for being good at the mum at the school gate thing and now I work full time in not even though so my dcs get excluded for those reasons. Says more about them than you. I just tell mine better off without them as they are as if only friends because I don't fit in with their idea then not real friends are they.
You really need to move on. Just because they are neighbours is meaningless. My children have played with the local kids both here and at their houses. Some of the parents are friends, but not with everyone. It's life. Trips get arranged, some kids are invited others aren't. Again its life.
When I organise day trips out, which I do a few times a year I look at where we are going, do I need to also invite the parent/much older sibling etc. Would it mean that as well as the invited child and parent other siblings would also need to come. If parents required, shoot me now, but yes this is also a consideration. I don't get on with everyone, I find some of my children friends parents draining and hardwork to make conversation. Like "Any plans for the summer?"
"Staying or going abroad?" (Me)
"Bit of both?"
"Anywhere in particular?"
"Just here and there."
This was the only other adult there. So no next trip will not include this person and their child unless I can rope in other adults. It made for a very, very long day.
Same with the parent who shouts over me every single time. These two parents insist on attending all trips out. I cannot just take their child. Thankfully, this doesn't apply when the child comes to play, because if it did, I would send them off to the park.
It also works in the other direction as well. There are some of my friends children, that my own children don't like. It's life. I tell mine that they don't have to like everyone. But what counts is how you treat them. Just because you don't like them, don't be mean. Also some of my friends children don't like mine. We are adult enough to understand and accept this, and we try and avoid any forced interaction where there is no buffer.
Haha bloody teenagers that made me laugh. No I am never mean, it's not in my nature, I no longer acknowledge any of it, which is the best way to go I think.
I still help if needed, and I still always include their kids. I couldn't be any other way.
Minime85 - yeah I thought the school mentality finished once you were finished school. How wrong was I?
DD is going through something like this. I really feel for you OP. I make a point of chatting things through each night and talking about ways of handling being left out - it is heartbreaking I know xxx
Yeah ParadiseCity I do this too. I also try and keep her busy when I know they're doing stuff, take her to the park or for ice cream or play a game etc. Thanks.
Miaow the cat - hope this resolves for your eldest - sending hugs xx
Is she at secondary yet? If not, the children from one primary get mixed in with all the others, and Dd could well form friendships with girls from all over the district; not just your locality.
DigestiveBiscuit - no not yet. That's what I'm hoping. But a while to go before we get there xx
It's miserable at the time, but it's amazing how quickly that stuff stops mattering as soon as they make solid friendships elsewhere. Both my DC had problems with parents like this at primary. They now have really great friends at their new school. No one else from primary moved up to that school and it was the best thing that could have happened. The new friends are all you'd want them to be - kind, supportive, funny and totally accepting of any differences they have (in clothes, music, politics - the lot). Hope this happens to your DD. And oh the bliss when they are old enough to go off on their own and you get to hang out exclusively with people you actually get on with!
Not sure what to write to help. Am inclined to say that they sound unpleasant and you sound very sweet! I think I would rather have you as a Mummy mate! Your girls sound like troopers! Well done this far! Big hugs. Sorry to hear that this is so common. I have a 4 year old - starting next Sept. I dread this type of stuff. Makes interesting reading. XXX
Good to hear not a giraffe. Thanks.
Aw thanks kittyinthewood, I know it's horrible how some mums treat other mums and their kids. Hope you don't have to experience it xx
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