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how to cope in sexless marriage?

(268 Posts)
Jamandcheese Thu 16-Jun-16 03:05:29

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

CF43 Fri 25-Jan-19 21:15:58

Wow, I thought it was just me, I'm going through a divorce now because my ex husband stopped having sex with me when our son was born 7 nearly 8 years ago. He couldn't look at me the same way after he was born and after a couple of years of being tired and worn out mum and getting not help from him, i gave up. You can only take so many rejections before you start to wonder if it's you, you've changed because you had a child. It's wrong and if it's not enough to be in a sexless marriage or relationship then change it.

Now i'm starting again, soon i will be free to start again if I so wish, although it may take me a while the divorce process has been horrendous. For my son's sake who I love with all my heart i wouldn't rush another relationship but to know i could if i wanted to fills me with hope for the future,. I lost a very dear friend last year to cancer and it made me think long and hard about what i wanted, any I didn't want to be in a relationship with no sex, you get one life and sometimes it's short, so make the most of it if your not happy change it.

daveyknowles Fri 01-Mar-19 20:52:07

stavros58 your comments describe my life almost exactly. Been 11 years and maybe 15 times in that period, and nothing for 2 years. I am the only initiator, and the numerous rejections destroy your soul. You keep believing things will change, but they never do. No kissing, hugs or any physical contact of any sort, and feel like have been lonely for a decade. I have one son left at home, and he is off travelling later this year. Once he goes, I think I can start looking for a new life, although dreading the break up. Keep reminding myself you only get 1 life, and I deserve some happiness.

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 22:02:03

I'm in the same situation. Only been married 4 years but it's dead. Worried I'll be too old and skint to start again soon

Bertie67 Sat 11-May-19 21:26:06

I have been scouring the web for answers.. mywife of 24 yrs and I have sex every 18 months.. countless rows and discord.. she says she doesn’t need it..I am 6’6” was 22 stone..(14 when we married) back down to 16 now.. I am very broad, and at 16 stone people have asked if I am ill! I have done everything. romantic weekends away, ( children are 23 & 16) she won’t “do it”if they are in the meander... I have trimmed, booked breaks, bought “toys” suggested we get therapy, even said she can go elsewhere if it brings back her “zing”.... nope.. not having any of it... so where now? I feel a failure, less of a man.. I am retired at 49.. do all the cooking, washing, shopping,cleaning,,. Here for whatever,, except intimacy.. you wonderful women please help..

tdh1972 Mon 13-May-19 11:14:58

You could try this book;

It doesn't work for everyone, but has some good, valid information.

I think this thread has died one seems to post any more :/ I'd post this message again elsewhere in the Forum - perhaps as a new Thread?

MassivePostitNote Mon 13-May-19 12:02:22

Gosh, there are quite a few of us.

I don't agree with a poster on page 1 that it is about looking after yourself. I won't say how long it has been between DH and I (ages) but I do not think it has anything to do with looks or weight. I'm slightly heavier than I was when I met him, but am still slim, fit and toned and look a lot younger than I am. In fact, this is the bit that kills me. I am regularly told that I am actually quite attractive but the constant rejection from my DH makes me feel like I am the ugliest woman in the world. Like the phrase about the bargepole was made up about me.

Deep down I believe that my DH is asexual. I was listening to Jeremy Vine the other week and they had people on there who said they would have sex, but don't really want it or need it. They like the romance and want to be with someone. From day 1 my DH has not been that into sex and I have always initiated it. It was like a chore to him.

I don't know how I have lasted with him TBH. I love him but I think his behaviour to me has been cruel. You know they say a woman puts up with a man for 3-5 years and then leaves whereas a man just waits till he meets someone else. Well, I think I am a year into this. One part of me wants to leave, but the rational side of me says I need to just wait a bit longer to avoid financial destruction.

What sad is I have this idea in my head that one day my DH will come home and say he's met someone else, better looking and younger than me and he's never felt so alive (at it 3 times a night) or we will split and suddenly he will be shagging around like mad and my darkest fears will be confirmed, that it was me. I am not attractive enough to warrant a shag. sad

Corna Mon 13-May-19 17:09:02

I am in the same boat, been with my husband for 18 years and we have a 9 year old child. We never really had frequent sex but in the last 5 years or so it has become worse, every 6 months is now the average. I hate that whenever he feels like sex he makes promises that he is getting back into it but once we have had sex he just goes back to normal. I would rather have no sex than sex only on his infrequent schedule. I can pretend that I dont want it and I feel so unwanted that its a turn off anyway.
I am desperate for physical contact and to feel wanted for a change. Honestly I would happily have an affair now as I dont see that he should be able to deny me a normal part of my life but then also expect that I just live with this. Ultimately if he doesn't want sex then I am not taking anything away from him by seeking it elsewhere. If he didn't like ice cream but I did I wouldn't tell him he couldn't eat it would I?

I hate the loneliness more than anything.

We sleep separately partly due to this but also as he has a rare sleep disorder and that doesn't help as we aren't in the same bed so nothing is initiated anyway.
The worst thing is that he has in the past tried to blame this on me saying I fell asleep when he got into bed when he was immediately asleep long before I even got into bed. Gaslighting of the worst kind. Eventually I lost it with him and told him he needed to man up and admit it was his issue. To be fair to him he did and made efforts but its all so perfunctory and I know he isn't really into it which just turns me off.

I feel so sorry we are all in this boat and I just wish that people who have lost their libido would just be honest instead of hiding away and blaming the other partner. Its so wrong to hold your partners sex life hostage to your refusal to own up to your issue. No one should have to have sex if they don't want to but equally no one should be left lying alone wondering what is wrong with them when they are perfectly normal and should be able to go elsewhere for physical affection.

Corna Mon 13-May-19 17:12:03

And just to add, reading this back I long for the days when infrequent sex meant once a week...

MassivePostitNote Tue 14-May-19 06:44:13

I am actually starting to plan my exit and reading this has helped me see that it is OK if I wait a couple of years to do so. There are things that I need to do to improve my own life before I go (update my skills, get a new job, get DC through exams, improve finances, make new friends and set up a better support network). Leaving with a massive mess is more of a problem than not having sex for the next 2 years.

I know that sounds cold and calculating but I was happy to live without the intimacy so long as the rest of it was good. The rest of it is also going down the pan as my DH is now disrespectful, takes me totally for granted and is massively selfish. Because of this I don't feel I owe him anything so my exit plan is about what is best for me and my DC, not for him. I don't think I'll have sex without him either as he has kind of put me off men. Apologies to the men above. Now, I just want lots of good female friends.

Adam58 Wed 29-May-19 02:45:05

I am man and I have been married for more than 20 years woth 2 adorable kids. Since our last kid was conceived 8 years ago we had sex maybe once more, more than 5 years ago. I am gratified with oral sex once a year if I am a good boy. I am very depressed and our marriage is on the rocks. We are Catholic so my wife keep remind me of our marriage veils. We will try counselling. Good luck to all that are in a sexless marriage.

wonderwhat Wed 29-May-19 02:59:18

It’s awful. It’s the crushing loneliness that’s the worst. I just long to be held by somebody who thinks I’m great.

MrList100 Wed 29-May-19 08:21:56

Similar boat here. We have had sex less than 10 times in the last 8 years. None in the last eight months and only ever when she is pissed! How unflattering is that. We have discussed this many times but we get nowhere.

It’s not a good situation but why should I leave the family home and my kids for half the week. I don’t want that.

I feel like she is punishing me but not sure why and she won’t open up about it. She just says all couples are like this when they have been married for years and then says all her friends are in similar situations.

I am having an affair now with someone in a similar situation. We meet once a month or so and it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

What a sad situation all round.

IanBurton80 Tue 02-Jul-19 14:45:55

I originally posted in June 2018 so just over a year ago, what has happened since then!!!

Nothing apart from a lot of talking, tears and fighting. My DW actually booked into see someone ( 3 sessions ) but only attended two of them and didn’t really do any of the things that were suggested.

So here we are a year on and well what can I say.

It’s amazing how much this affects me as a man, completely knocks your confidence, self worth, ability to see yourself in a positive light.

WhoAmIToTellYou Tue 02-Jul-19 21:07:34

In the same boat, over 5 years now. Seriously considering divorce. No physical contact at all. Separate beds and lots of other issues. Most days i feel and see a grandma in the mirror and im only 38.

Rainydayss Tue 02-Jul-19 21:47:23

This was me. 5 years without sex, yes really, even typing that feels wrong in every sense. I don't honestly think we had much chemistry In the beginning but think I settled thinking he was safe and loyal.
We amicably split and I've met a wonderful man. Life is now very different in many ways

Scott70 Wed 11-Dec-19 09:02:26

I’m a husband who is in a sexless marriage. I have made love to my wife once in a year, I’ve tried everything possible I’ve given her space I’ve even slept on the sofa for 2 years. She says that I put too much pressure on her??? How I thought couples were suppose to get close? To cuddle? Kiss? Get intimate? We don’t do non of this. It breaks my heart and being rejected every single time make me feel worthless. She says she loves me but there just words when I try and talk about it I always seem to annoy her and get told it’s not the right time or I’m not going over this again I’ve got enough to deal with. In the last 3 years I can count on one hand the amount of times we have made love, we are both still in our 40’s and she does at times flirt with me very rarely but only when people are around, I sometimes say she’s playing a game with me because when we get home she completely shuts down and keeps away. I honestly don’t know if she is having an affair,if she is completely gone off me, or just doesn’t want intimacy anymore. I literally cannot take much more as it’s breaking me and As a man it’s destroying me inside. I’ve told my wife how much I miss being close and how much I miss making love to her but I might as well be talking to a brick wall because I don’t get any reaction. Even if I send a text she doesn’t acknowledge it and will talk about something else. I honestly love my wife so much and don’t want to lose her but I never thought that I could feel so alone in a relationship.

TylerDurden76 Tue 21-Jan-20 14:42:02

@Scott70 do you have children? Are you a family or just the two of you?

Have you suggested a night / weekend away, get away from the day to day life that we all have to deal with a chance to reconnect?

Sexual desire differs and dealing with the day to day stress of life can easily put you into a rut, one of the first things that can suffer is sex

Sw05 Wed 22-Jan-20 08:54:50

Yes we have a teenage daughter. I honestly don’t think a weekend away would make a blind bit of difference. My wife just is not interested in sex whether it’s not interested in sex in general or with just me I don’t know but I’m getting to the point where the relentless rejection is turning my head

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