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how to cope in sexless marriage?

(285 Posts)
Jamandcheese Thu 16-Jun-16 03:05:29

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

OP’s posts: |
TheNaze73 Thu 16-Jun-16 08:26:31

Once or twice a year, would not be enough in most loving relationships OP. A lot of people, would struggle on that lack of intimacy on a weekly basis.

It's certainly not something I could ever get used to. I'd be questioning it far sooner than that as having sex, is the only thing that is different ultimately in s relationship, that you wouldn't have with a close friend.

Is it just bothering you, or your partner too?

funnylittlefloozie Thu 16-Jun-16 14:13:38

A sexless marriage is horrible. I was in one for 3 years before i bailed. Its really dreadful for both of you, especially if one of you wants sex and the other can't or won't give it. I would walk away.

Mrskeats Thu 16-Jun-16 16:33:39

You don't
It's soul destroying
Why would anyone want to 'cope'?
You get one go at life and it should be better than that

adora1 Thu 16-Jun-16 16:40:15

Cope? Why cope? I sure as hell wouldn't even call it a relationship if there is no intimacy. Fine if both partners are happy without that but you clearly are not, you don't have to stay and suffer OP, you have choices.

puzzledleopard Thu 16-Jun-16 17:01:45

You don't
It's soul destroying
Why would anyone want to 'cope'?
You get one go at life and it should be better than that

Couldn't have said it better than that!

Been on both sides of this and it really is soul destroying and both relationships have been and gone and I am happy in a relationship where we both are on the same page. It wasn't just not having sex but the intimacy on a whole it's about being emotionally close to your partner, saying I love you is easy to say but with intimacy you can show that without words.

SauvignonPlonker Thu 16-Jun-16 18:21:32

By planning your exit.

newtscamander Thu 16-Jun-16 19:09:36

Why don't you try some marriage counselling? Who is the one happy without sex, you or DH?

jerseygal78 Thu 16-Jun-16 20:21:48

I'm struggling with this. Been 18 months. Separate bedrooms. No affection. Got a peck on the cheek xmas eve...apparently it's because I've put on so much weight so it's my fault (I'm a size 14 ffs) I'm considering leaving but terrified of breaking up the family. Considering asking for an open marriage in the interim to see what his response is - not sure how he can refuse and I think it's pretty much doomed anyway...

MeMySonAndl Thu 16-Jun-16 20:23:30

You don't "cope", you acept the marriage is over and prepare to leave.

Boogers Thu 16-Jun-16 20:32:08

In the last 4 years we've had PIV sex about five times, and three of those times have been this year.

I know what our problems are but do you have any underlying issues as to why you haven't had sex? Have you been intimate together (kissing, cuddling, touching, mutual masturbation etc) or is your relationship completely void of intimacy?

Marilynsbigsister Thu 16-Jun-16 21:18:45

It's so difficult. The bottom line is 'are both of you happy that way' ? Plenty of marriages are VERY happy without sex, but it has to be a mutual decision, although those who have celibate marriages through illness or disability don't get much of a 'decision' - more of an understanding.

That said, there is a huge unspoken issue with physical attractiveness that is glossed over when it comes to sex. It's very basic biology that gets ignored in the desperate bid for political correctness.

If you were attracted to your DH because he was slim/clean shaven gym bunny, but over the years became an obese, beardy couch potato, chances are you would not fancy him and would try to avoid sex at all costs.

Same with men. If your DW flicked your switch because she was a curvy size 14/16 who became a macrobiotic vegan obsessed size 8 with hip bones that stuck out at right angles, he may not want to jump your bones with any degree of enthusiasm.

Being physically attractive to your OH is ESSENTIAL to maintaining a good sex life. Looking after ourselves is the best way to keep each other's libidos ticking over long term. Do not, however mistake fancying someone for loving them. It's perfectly possible to love the bones of your OH whilst not fancying them....but as intimacy is the glue that holds it all together, 'love' may not be enough long term. The options then are either to try and recreate what it was about you that your oh fancied originally or accept that it is not possible, end the relationship. ( no one gas to agree to celibacy) and move on, find someone who finds the new you irresistible...

magictorch Thu 16-Jun-16 21:28:12

Watching with interest. 4 and a half years here. Have parcelled away that part of myself as being rejected hurts too much and am too scared to broach the subject and open that can of worms. Are you able to talk to your OH, OP?

cherrypepsimax Thu 16-Jun-16 22:08:08

As pp have said if there's a medical reason I suppose that is different, and Id want to be sure that it has been properly explored by a gp . You've got to talk about it, I know this might be excruciatingly awkward for some couples but otherwise you're bith noticing it and no one is saying anything. If there's no libido from your dh guess you've got to decide if you can live like that or if you want to end things? Even without sex there can still be affection but is that enough for you?

LellyMcKelly Thu 16-Jun-16 22:47:04

I separated after 5 years of no sex. His lack of interest just made me feel so unattractive and that had an impact on so many other parts of my life - how I felt about myself, my confidence, and how I related to other people. I felt like a stereotypical middle aged housewife and mother. When I met someone who was mad about me it made so much difference. I'm happier, more lively and engaged with everything, and life is so much more enjoyable. The simple pleasures of intimacy and sex take the edge off daily stresses and make everything else so much easier to handle. It's so lovely to feel desired and loved.

Pinkerbeller Thu 16-Jun-16 23:03:52

DH has various medical issues that leave us sexless; all fixable but he refuses to see a GP (and actually cheated on a fasting blood test but insists the result is bona fide) so obviously it's all my fault hmm

It's shitty and I'm sick of trying to fix it so I'm looking for an exit which will probably also be sexless but easier on my hard earned self esteem.

Jamandcheese Thu 16-Jun-16 23:21:52

Magictorch parceling away that part of you sounds familiar. I can bury it for a while but then that feeling rears it head. The hurt and sadness.

We had underlying issues that have caused this. Mainly stuff he has done. And we have been to counseling. But we are still in the same position.

We cuddle and hold hands. But I miss that intimacy that you get.

I've always been overweight. And I was when we met. My weight has fluctuated with the kids but that has never caused a problem.

The only time we have sex is when we aren't in the house. For some reason, being at home, he had trouble maintaining his erection. TMI. I know. But when we aren't here, he's fine.

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Thu 16-Jun-16 23:35:40

A lot depends on why it's sexless and whether each party wants intimacy.

lovemycatsanddog Mon 03-Jul-17 23:45:43

I have a question, mainly for any men who live in a sexless marriage
Do you and wife/partner still sleep together, how do you cope if so
I have a friend whose wife doesnt want any exual contact,they still sleep together, and he says it doesnt bother him now,its just go to bed and say goodnight, he has been thinking of having an affair
Is it possible to live like this,
I find it hard to believe

lovemycatsanddog Mon 03-Jul-17 23:49:28

Actually hes more of my partners friend,
My partner doesnt believe anyone could live like this,sleeping together
Why dont they have seperate bedrooms,must be easier on the man

Keepithidden Tue 04-Jul-17 05:32:01

lovemycatsanddog - DW and I are like this, we still share a bed, but I head up at 9ish and she goes to bed around 11ish. I try to go early so I can fall asleep before she gets in, otherwise I find it really difficult, emotionally. It normally works.

Separate rooms would be great, but we live in an expensive area and can't afford to move somewhere bigger. I have thought about sleeping in the garage, but then I wouldn't be able to get up and tend to DCs if they woke up.

Unsurewhattod0 Tue 04-Jul-17 05:40:16

Been in this situation. Eventually it led to the breakup of my marriage. I couldn't cope with the contstant rejection, it's just soul destroying. EX even suggested an open marriage but the idea of that also turned my stomach, so a split was the only way both of us could find happiness.

Unsurewhattod0 Tue 04-Jul-17 05:43:07

Male poster btw.

Iris65 Tue 04-Jul-17 05:44:16

I thought that I could cope in my sexless marriage but after 15 years I met someone else. I didn't have an affair but left as soon as I could. We are now divorced and we are still very good friends. He is a lovely guy and would do anything for me except sort out his libido. It turned out that he was asexual.
The effects of being in a sexless marriage when one partner wants sex are well documented and it was very damaging to me in the long run.
I am sorry that you are in this position OP.

thinkiamgoingcrazy Tue 04-Jul-17 06:03:19

Sex only 3 times last year. No affection either. We are on the brink of divorce and this is one of the reasons. There was no discussing anything either.

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