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What is this an fwb? Please help

(20 Posts)
toolonginthetooth Wed 15-Jun-16 19:51:36

A good male friend of mine got back in touch last year (my fault we lost touch as I had a controlling ex) Anyway he had been hinting at more for a while and eventually I asked him to elaborate. He said night in hotel and we could do it once in a while etc. I thought why not I know him, take it for what it is etc etc. We went had a great time and have both days we will do it again. Anyway he has been for dinner at his request and wants to help me with other stuff. I've asked while we are enjoying the moments that won't last I won't date anyone or be sleeping with anyone etc. I don't sleep around anyway and I'm finding dating a mine field. He said it's ok cos he's not chatting anyone up and there won't be no one else. If anything changes he's agreed to tell me and me him. Anyhow I just FEEL he's still chatting on dating sites and I FEEL I can't trust him. If he is on them I can't do anything, we're not together but still he said he wasn't. Maybe I'm not cut out for a casual thing but I'm so confused about everything. What would you do?

toolonginthetooth Wed 15-Jun-16 21:09:40

Should also say my last relationship was full of lies and mental abuse

Claraoswald36 Wed 15-Jun-16 21:26:59

I think you arnt ready for a no strings type thing and don't beat yourself up over it

Gide Wed 15-Jun-16 22:25:14

You want no strings, he's wanting to do more with you. No strings=no control. He or you could go off and do whatever, because there's no emotional attachment, so saying neither of you can see others is not a good rule to have when in this kind of relationship. Are you strong enough to cope?

And as he wants to help with other stuff and asked to come for dinner, why not make this a proper DP?

funnylittlefloozie Wed 15-Jun-16 22:50:52

Why do you FEEL that he is still on the dating sites and that you can't trust him? Is there anything in his behaviour that is making you feel like this, or is it jsut a holdover from your last relationship? If he wants to do stuff with you, go for dinner, etc, then maybe he wants to have more of a relationship than jsut a casual sex thing. Why not try it and see how you like it?

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 11:59:24

Thanks for the replies. He's said he's not saying he won't have a relationship with me he is saying he doesn't want one with anyone right now. The reason I'm suspicious is because on social media there's been a few new women added to his profile. I didn't mention it but just said if he's actively dating then let's not bother because it will cause both of us pain at some point. He swears he isn't and he won't be sleeping with anyone either. He had asked me for exclusivity and he likes the fact I don't sleep around. Since then the social media has gone a bit quiet and it seems he only logs on to speak to me or like my posts. I just can't help thinking he's communicating on another site as clearly he isn't happy just talking to one person. I find it all so confusing because maybe he's doing things for me because of the friendship thing but then shouldn't he keep as much distance as possible to avoid becoming attached?

adora1 Thu 16-Jun-16 13:48:04

Without generalising I'd very much doubt he is excusive to you, especially if he is online dating so I'd assume he is seeing other women.

Even if he is not, are you really happen to continue having seedy meet ups in Hotels for sex and not even being taken out or pampered a bit or basically treated like a lady - I think FWB are ok for a little while but they must become demoralising if not slightly degrading but that's just my opinion, suppose we are all different.

merville Thu 16-Jun-16 14:25:29

To me fwb is the biggest fallacy & scam of recent history (!) I think they suit many men, but do not suit many women.
Women often get attached and then get hurt (blame the oxytocin).
A few things cause me to advise you to not do it;
> I don't mean to be patronising but you are probably quite vulnerable after your previous abusive relationship, he is sort of taking advantage of that.
> Being "open to a relationship in future but not now" is a well used line. How many men in those situations who use that line ever do get into proper relationships with the women?
>Our instincts are rarely wrong - if you feel he is still in contact with others, 'needs' attention from multiple people, you feel you can't trust him etc. ... you are probably right. You will be risking std's, hurt feelings etc. How come he is single at this time, what happened is his last relationship?
> Friends who have sex is an oxymoron to me; friendship excludes the complications, feelings and obligations of sex. 'Friendship' can be used by many people to cover up some distinctly un-friendlike (not in the other person's true best interests) behaviour.

Quite honestly I think men are on a pig's back with this one; sex without any of the responsibilities & ties (or cost if it's paid sex) they've traditionally had to meet.

It seems to me you need some time etc. to recover from your last relationship without this potential predator taking advantage, then hopefully when you are ready you can get into a good (real) relationship.

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 14:33:22

Thank you. I am over my previous relationship as I purposely stayed single until I was. I've worked a lot on myself and am ready for a committed relationship and I think from reading all your comments that is my problem. I'm feeling insecure because of the set up as this is not how I imagined my next relationship to be. Well it's not even a relationship is it? I don't know what to do next. Do I tell him all this? Or do I just call it off? God this is driving me mad and not making me happy

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 14:34:44

Like I said he was a friend before and Obviously don't want to fall out. I'm not in love with him so that's good I just think I should end it in spite of friends saying just go with the flow

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-Jun-16 14:51:19

I had a FWB for a very short time.
I realised it just wasn't for me.
I'm just not someone who can shag and not get emotionally involved.
If it's not for you then stop doing it.

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 15:22:21

Yeah I have no love feelings right now but they will develop because I care about him as a person

merville Thu 16-Jun-16 17:43:38

Just tell him you have decided it's not for you, you are looking for a real relationship. You are 100% within your rights to turn down or pull out of his (frankly, to me, somewhat disrespectful & cynical) proposition.
Don't let him persuade to go ahead re. him coming around to a real relationship in future. He probably won't; to be a bit base would you start paying for a service you previously got for free? Only if it was utterly essential and you couldn't get it for free elsewhere ... which he probably can. Plus there's the "once you're categorised, you ain't getting out of that box" factor.

If he's a friend then he won't fall out with you, but (sorry to say) just be prepared that it may end the friendship sooner or later.
In my experience few people can truly be friends with the opposite sex and often they are just keeping someone on the long arm (!) for future relationship/sex - suspect that is the case with him to some extent.

I hope you meet someone lovely soon x

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 19:22:37

I agree with you. I've penned something by text but too chicken to send it. I haven't said anything about not being able to trust him just that as I done sleep around its unfamiliar territory and I can't cope with the uncertainty. Told him enjoyed his company etc but I don't want my feelings to deepen because I'd rather have him as a friend seen as he doesn't want a relationship. I think that sounds ok. Obviously there's more to it than that

merville Thu 16-Jun-16 21:21:07

Yeah if you say you don't trust him, it'll just go round in panto circles ("I think you're seeing other people", "No, I'm not"...) but you'd never know unless you caught him. If your instincts are going off, I'd go with them.
What matters anyway is that seems like fwb is not for you (as it really would not be for me & many other women I know).

If you were my sister and a guy came in the friendship "back door" with "I'm not ready for a relationship but we can have 'fun' in a hotel every now and then and I'll come around to yours for dinner once in a while, and I swear I'm not seeing anyone else etc." ... I'd have a really low opinion of him.

Dating & meeting someone genuine is hard but sooner or later you will meet someone good, I know plenty of women who have in the 30's, 40's and beyond ... you just have to sidestep the time & emotion wasters (unfortunately it seems like he is one) very sharply and not entertain them.

If he's all that, he can come back to you when he's ready for a decent relationship.

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 22:31:37

Thank you so much your words have really helped me today.

toolonginthetooth Thu 16-Jun-16 22:42:21

An I've sent it and feel so sad now but still think it's right thing to protect myself

MidnightLullaby Fri 17-Jun-16 06:21:14

You have done the right thing.

I disagree with Merville. I think that many women who want a relationship with someone mistakenly enter a fwb arrangement with a friend, or someone they've only just met which kind of negates the 'f' element of it, in the hope that it will become a relationship. In the hope that the man will realise how much they really like her and that love will grow.

That's the absolute opposite of what a fwb is about. I've had 3 over the past couple of years.

The whole point is that there is no exclusivity, there are no promises about whether the other person is chatting to others, or dating, there is no anxiety and insecurity about it, because there are no feelings involved.

I stopped the 'b' elements of my friendships, but am still really good friends with two of the men. One of them tries on occasion to resume it, but I'm not interested currently and the other, it's like it never happened.

I don't understand this whole "women get emotionally attached after sex" thing. It's never happened for me. It's just sex. But I would absolutely not agree to enter into a fwb situation with someone I wanted more from because that's not what it's about. It's a friendship with extras, not the beginning of a road towards romance.

A proper fwb is as respectful as any friendship. It's not one person using the other for sex. It's someone you trust and enjoy spending time with, as with any other friendship. It's a real friendship. But with someone you sometimes have sex with. If it's not that, it's not a fwb.

Desmondo2016 Fri 17-Jun-16 07:15:46

I think it sounds like you've taken a really sensible approach. Let us know how he responds xx

toolonginthetooth Fri 17-Jun-16 08:44:33

Thank you I will. Because my ex basically lied out whole relationship an fwb is never going to work for me. This guy treats me right so it's not just sex and it's inevitable I will fall in love I so why break my own heart when I know it's not what he wants. Woke up this morning and it's still the right decision

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